Wish I had a lover

on this cold wintery day. I'm loney and depressed. Well, I just had the wind knocked out of me and a severe touch of reality. I'll never have my 20's or 30's. I'll never have fun, carefree, love. Of course she loves someone closer to her age...am I fucking nuts. I live in a fucking dream world. Well, I just woke up!

And reality hurts very badly. I missed out on so much. I am so depressed I could flat out die and be grateful for the break. Then before I come back I would reconsider very carefully.

This was not a good life for receiving love. I longed to be loved sinced I was a "good for nothing" so I heard, kid. I was so lonely then and now...nothing new.

My heart hurts. I had hope for sweet love and now I have given up on that idea. Why would anyone want to date up when they can date down in age....

And why would anyone want someone to merely loves them..like T the doctor, or D the 05SL I fucked up, or this last one I have a crush on. Am I fucking nuts. Am I fucking nuts to think anyone of them would even consider wanting me. I don't fucking know how to love or be loved..hello. Maybe if I would have been shown as a kid? There was NO love in my family of continuous arguments and hatefulness. Coldness prevailed. My mother never held me. There were no hugs, no kisses. My father was there but totally NOT there except to belittle, berate, or teach me a lesson. I hate the fucking son of a bitch! There were no words of encouragement from anyone in the family only ridicule. So you wonder why I love inappropriately? When I was a kid if a "older" girl was sweet to me, even for a second, I loved her for life. I fell madly in love. I was so shy I couldn't speak, much less thing of something audible to speak. There were no words for how I felt; I just knew I had a constant craving; an endless ache and that was an ache to be loved. I grew to hate my family and not trust anyone. All I can do now, that it's too late, is pray. Fucking prayers...I haven't seen any results? And the church fucked up my life to begin with.....lesbians being evil and all. Assholes! I have prayed all of my life for help. In the 80's when I was so in love with her (she didn't have a clue) and she was getting married; my heart ached. I kicked the couch. I begged and pleaded then to die. "Please take me". I begged. I'm begging again. I have had enough! GET ME THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF HERE!

I'm crying inside. Everyone is paired up and happy. I expected something more out of life. I just can't understand why I have this capacity to fall so in love - for nothing. Why do I fall and why do I fall for younger women. I am so out of the race; I'm not even seen.

I know why I fall for younger women; it's because I never got the chance to love them physically (only in my fucking dreams) when I was younger. THANKS ALOT ASSHOLES.

I think I have had enough of this lifetime and I want OUT! There is nothing here for me. I out OUT! And I want my death to be swift; very swift and as painless and fearless as possible. I want it to be sudden...even a surprise to me. I am serious here. Get me out of here...I want to go back to the other side for awhile.

I WANT OUT! I'm tired..so tired. Please? Please help me..get me out of here. I'm screwed up emotionally. Hey fuck-head I'm pushing fucky sexy.. I want OUT Hey a Freudian slip.. I meant to say sixty....but said sexy. Maybe there is a ray of hope somewhere in this useless pointless existence. Most women my age don't even want sex. I crave SEX! Fuckheads! Most women my age have one fucking foot in the grave already...I can run circles around women half my fucking age! But, look where I am? It just pissed me off! Half of me wants to fucking die and the other half wants me to puff up and beat the shit out of these stupid ass people! But, who gives a fuck! I don't even care anymore? The least is up!