I Need to Have a Change of Heart

Let's just think about this logically! Who needs this? I don't! She is just not into me!

I need to hang with the one that is into me!

But, god with all due respect, she doesn't move my heart and soul and the other one does..the young who is much too young.

What is wrong with me? Am I totally out of my mind? I need to get my head screws on correctly!

I feel my problem is that I did not have my youth to love whom I wanted and needed to love. I was denied a lesbian life style. There were no lesbians anywhere! Well, on the extreme butch who scared me and so I knew I could ot be a lesbian. In my youth, I thought I was the only woman with strong feelings for other woman. Oh god, why couldn't I have lived my life the way it was meant to be lived. Oh god, I missed out on so much and it can never be relived.

Life is so cruel. If I wouldn't have broken away two years ago I still would have been in the trap. At least now, I am free to be me. I just can't help that I fall in love with younger women. I wish this crush who go away. I need to get rid of these feelings for her.

Is it just because I can't have her that I want her so much? It doesn't matter what the reason is; I need to get over it and move on and fall in love with someone else.

I'm in limbo. I can't love someone of my own age.

I guess I'm in search for life. Truth be told, I think that I am in search for days gone by; days that were never lived.

I was born way too soon. I want to die and come back again as a lesbian to the most loving mother in the world. She'll love me and she'll enjoy me and hold me no matter how big or old I get. She'll encourage me. I won't be afraid of anything. I'll be out going and successful. I'll be loved and loving. I'll be a lesbian who is out at the age of at least thirteen..with other girls my age. Love will be so sweet and fullfilling. My heart will never ache. I will be truly happy and content and so comfortable in my own skin. My mind will be clear to think and remember every word I heard and everything I see. I will have a photographic memory for audio and vision. I will do wonderful things in life. I will be loved and loving. Life will be so happy and full. I can't wait until my next life!

I don't fit well in this life. This life was too hard emotionally. My heart hurt me for most of my life. It aches even now for someone.

I truly hope seeing my life escape loving person tomorrow helps me. She seems older than me. A mother figure almost. She holds me and heals my heart. I pray to god I don't break down in her presence..it would ruin the whole relationship.

Right now, I'm too depressed to even worry about tomorrow. I think I'll take two S.A.M.E before I go to my yoga class. I hope I don't cry there. I cried while running today. It's very hard to cry and run; I couldn't breath with that huge lump in my throat and actually, I didn't care if I breathed or not.

I'm tired. I want so much to be in love; to be giggely happy and estastic with love, touch and laugher. I need so to be happy. I need a fucking miracle!

I couldn't have the good doctor (oh yeah, she's coming alright? What a forest, Ezekiel!). I could keep D, my 05 summer love. And here it is again about the same time of the time and my heart is hurting again.

I just need to make up my mind that to give a flying fuck about anyone and then my heart wouldn't hurt. I'll work on that!

I'm tired of wasting my life away; I want to be head over heels in love and have that love returned. I want her to be special, fun and beautiful and love me in return. No on has ever pursued me. I have had always to do the leg work. What's the fucking deal with that! I'm quite the catch..I'm getting younger every day in action, appearance, physically and attitude. I am reborn every day. Fuck those old days of emotional pain.

Today, this moment, I began a new life of fearlessness and self-love and beautiful younger women will fight over me. They will want to make love with me and even tell me that they do. I will be on great demand. I am in great demand at this very moment. Younger attractive women will let me know that they want me.

You see if only I could have lived as a lesbian in my 20's, 30'd and beyond, I would have most of these desires out of my sytem. But, as it was, I had to pretend that I didn't love women. I had to pretend that I was straight. Sex with men, was oh such a waste of time now that I can compare it to sex with a woman who's very breath of passion turns me on so much and I want to please her so much. It's wonderful! I never felt that way at all with men - never. Sex with men: A fucking waste of time! And all that preaching and teaching they do - I hate it! They think they fucking know women. Men think they fucking know everything and think they are smarter, stronger and better than women; they are so fucking wrong. Yet I see women, still think men are god's gift. Wrong! They are so wrong! Straight women would agree with me in a heartbeat. I just can't see it!

I have watched "The Secret". The power lies with me. I have learned that now. I guess my mission is to show the world that I can grow younger not older in every way. Just watch me! Step aside - you haven't seen anything yet. You want attitude.. I have attitude! Plenty of it! I will not be left behind. I will have "knock-in-me-the-head" love in my life very soon