Eureka

Eureka! Is all I can say! Wow! I'm flying high or am I content as can be! Finally, I let myself go!

I do think that I was molested as a child....I'm working with it! I'm doing better! Even with the slight flashbacks! Today I saw in my mind a little dress. I looked down while he was there, a big old grayed hair man of authority. I looked down, it was lifted up this little plaided dress. Plaided..more like the colors of a kilt! The material feels rough. the colors red, mostly with a little gold. I might have had my picture taken in that dress. White socks with little line of ruffles at the ankle. Black pat-ton leather shoes. Shiny! It's a priest. The little room is dark with little lights near the floor that shine on his dark clothes and the white around his neck stands out as he leads slightly forward and over. Hands down..moving. The priest says in catechism class that it's a sin to touch yourself down there! And later in the darkened room talks about this.. further. Is it fact or fiction? Does it matter - do I? I'm working through it! Now, it's just a matter of trust!

I trust her! She's very kind; very sweet. She is easy to be with and is very loving.

I tell her my regret that I missed my 20's and 30's; that I should have been with women then. I missed so much. "There's a reason for everything; you've learned so much". She says. She doesn't really realize that my heart first sang last year. I was 57. I missed so much I realized then!

"But, I still have crushes on young women!" I say. And it hurts..I continue on saying inside silently. "Well, you look young" She compliments me. It's just an emotional burden I carry inside...these little crushes.

Nothing mattered back then. There was too much cruelty and abuse. Kids should be seen and not heard is what I was taught. Be quiet and listen.

Is it a matter of trust? This utopia! This high. This release! She's very kind. I trust her. She is very loving. She is very easy to be with...a blessing.

The universe put us together...one day. I had this urge to be in this place at this particular time and she was there. She some how let me know how she felt...what she was missing. Me too! I was missing the same thing. In fact, I had only a few moments earlier urgently prayed for the same thing. Within 24 hours we were together again...and it works for us. What we have...it works for us.

We don't put a name, a title, a time, a time limit to it. We just take it a week at a time.. and see where it leads us. I'm committed to being alone....I have to be...maybe forever. We both have our unique situations. And for some reason this works for us.