Especially women are raised to be care givers; that is there lot in life says the church (who rules society and government). In the bible women are secondary and servants with no rights. I found and kept a prayer book that specifically tell young girls how to be docile and obedient.
You get to at least vote on government issues but not on religious issues. So, I fear religion more than government.
And people are so typically brainwashed by priests and preachers...well by politicians too, and the media that they own much of!
You can't fight the system so you might as well join it.. and believe in the stuff they tell you to believe.
Of course, if I were a man, I would probably feel different.
Religion can beat us down and depress us..why, because we are taught that we are intrinsically evil and sinners doomed for hell if we don't strictly follow the rules. And even if we do follow the rules...we are never okay in the eyes of the church. They did you keep you beat down so you don't get any fancy ideas. I know! I was raised Catholic and it was the worse thing that ever happened to me.
There is no freedom...I was never okay. I could never do enough or be enough for others. I lost all drive and interest. I was never encouraged to follow my dreams. I had no dreams. I was numb to all emotion. I had no life I only pretended to like guys. I dated because I was supposed to and expected to go out with guys who had asked me out.
And that's another thing. A docile obedient female just sat there looking pretty and waiting for her prince charming to ask her out. She couldn't ask for it was not lady like. She was expected to sit on the side lines and cheer him on..in all his glory. She was expected to let him win and make him think he was smart. I can't tell you how many times I sacrificed my dignity and individualism by "letting" him win and making him think he was smarter. Oh yes, guys like me. My best answer was "sure", "okay", " I would love to" and "what a wonderful idea" or "oh, you are so smart" or "is that right?"
god, such bullshit, I had to pamper these pompous ignorant asses. Yeah, that was the first fucking forty years of my life. It sucked!
By the time I got to the "helping others" age of adulthood I was totally fed up with it. By the time I turned 50 I thought - fuck 'em all!
My mother tried to condition me to serve her all her years...it didn't take! I ended up fiercely resented her. I haven't spoken to her in about two years... I hope I never do!
Am I bitter? Do I feel robbed of my youth and my young adulthood? You bet! Am I resentful - for sure.
They say we all have a purpose? Maybe not. They also say in the spirit world that we plan our lives ahead of time before we come to earth. I'm still wondering why I would plane a life like the one I had. The only thing good about my life is that I am a lesbian.
I love women; a sweet woman who holds me in her arms and kisses my head after she makes love to me; and I to her before that..and then again. I am fulfilled.
I very much regret that I missed out so much on my youth. I was so in love with so many women and couldn't tell them. I thought I was the only one, the only lesbian. Even after I finally came out, I couldn't say the word for years. Yes, I thought I was the only lesbian in my county; well, at least a feminine one. The obvious butch dyke's were around. So sad some women still think they have to fit gender roles. Lesbian today are more middle of the road and dress very cute and are so adorable... I have crushed on women in late 20's and even 30's. It truly breaks my heart because I can never love them...I should have loved when my age matched their age. It makes me very sad.
I try so hold to hang on to my youth...I'm not ready to let go yet... I never got to have it.... and realizing that makes me so sad.
It breaks my heart. But, I came close last year in 05 when I dated a young woman who was mid thirties. I loved her very dearly. She brought life to my heart; however, the lovemaking was bitter sweet. Oh, it was wonderful but too, it reminded me of the wonderful things that I missed. It saddens my heart and makes me want to cry. But, it's gone now.. I can't get it back.
I can only plan my next life so much more efficient and better and make sure I get all my needs fulfilled and I swear I will never bend to anyone Else's wishes and rules and bullshit. The end result: I hate the church and have nothing to do with my family. I hate most men and think they are about as stupid (many of them) as they come. They can't multi-task and they think they know every fucking thing..my father and brother were like that. Like they fucking really now something. And always ready to preach and teach. It makes me want to puke.
My father was always belittling me and my mother never said for him not too. But, she would argue profusely with him on any of her issues such as monetary and social issues. She always insisted he do something that he didn't want to do. Of course, most times, he won out.
Life was no hard. I should not even think about it. I have sexual issues due to my childhood. Suddenly in the dept of lovemaking.. visions of a little girl, me dressed in a dress I had a picture taken in, pops into my mental vision. a little girl, me looking, down as a big old man with gray hair and red face sits very close and is nearing the hem of my dress. He wear a white collar and a black priest suit.
It's time to go to sleep, I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. I wish she was here to hold me; but, I can't tell her. If I break down, she won't want anything to do with me; a little something I have learned from the past. Don't get emotional or share your feelings.
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