I miss Teresa

I have a nice cozy warm day ahead of me. I'll light a fire in the fireplace, burn incense, drink hot coffee and tea. I have no appetite; I guess that is good, maybe I'll lose a few pounds. I have barely a conscious desire to exercise; of course, I have that feeling everyday. I think all that I can muster today will be a few sit- ups and push-ups. I'll pass on running; I ran yesterday.

I'm running for my life you know! I don't think that I can be helped! My therapists have not helped me. Hell, I could buy a bum a pack a cigarettes or a few beers from a bartender and cry my sorrows to them for what I get from therapists! I can't be helped! Besides, I'm tired of trying!

So, I believe that only the grace of god, the universe and my spirit guides can help this aching heart. They say the power is within us; in our hearts! I say bullshit! "You can create your day!" And I say to that " bullshit".

You know I'm reaching the end of my wits. I don't care anymore! Don't tae kwon do kick me in the gut and then step back and look at me in wonder as to why I'm not bend over pucking my guts out!

And barely saying "good-bye" to me; what was that all about? Can you not stand the sight of me? Were you glad to see me go? Were you sad? Discussed? I don't understand the language and gestures and how they change from one to the next so fast. I know you love me; you just don't know what to do about it! Maybe that is why I love you so damn much and you tear at my heart! And you drive me crazy with wanting you; wanting to hold you, but afraid I'll push you so far away that I'll never ever see you again.

You don't understand; it's all right, I've been kicked in the gut many times. I've had years of conditioning! I have many permanent bruises from kicks to the guts...you are not the only one! I just never spoke of mine! I had no neighbors to run to or social services. There was no such thing as social services living in the sticks in an undisputed authoritarian society filled with like minded cruelty.

I need Teresa's intuitive warmth. She came to me; she sensed I needed to be held. She knew! I wish Teresa could put her arms around me now and hold me! She loved me! I need her to take me in her arms and hold me for as long as I need like she did! I thought I died! When I die, I want it to be like that; I want to be wrapped in the safe warm loving comfort of her embrace forever!