Today

The sun is shinning brightly, but the wind, from the North, is very cold and bone chilling. Still, I have the urge to break out into a run; to work my heart, my legs, my body in an effort to heal my heart!

I have no desire to be around the friends we made together; it reminds me of her and it hurts! She doesn't come around and has a new love; yet, I look for her amongst those friends; I long to see her but know I never will.

I long to have a love in my life; someone who drives my heart wild with desire and passion. Someone feminine and warm, loving and caring. I feel in my heart that soon it will happen. The sun is shinning brightly through my patio door it warms my heart and lends it hope.

I trust in my spirit guides, I trust in god and the universe; but most of all I trust in my heart. I know I have a lot to give, also a lot I need to receive. Love will happen.

And to the one I loved last summer and still love, there will always be a place for you there, in my heart. I don't just have this image of you in my head; I know you better than what you may think; and I love what I see. I admire and sometimes envy you. No one ever changed your heart. You had to be strong and you were. I love you for that! You always knew what you wanted; what you expected from life and people. Maybe nothing? I read somewhere, where you don't get people; sometimes I don't either. But, I get you and I love you. I saw so much in your eyes; more than you'll ever know. I saw things that first night when we sat together. I saw it all! I knew so much before you ever told me; you had my heart already than; even before than, when I first saw you, when we met. You know why - it was ME I was looking at. I saw my PAIN in your eyes. How you captured my heart! It's hard for you to give yourself totally, I wanted you to love me and yet, I walked out of you. Well, I left because I knew the end was coming, or I thought it was coming. I pushed you away and I regret it and I'm sorry now that I did.

Recently, when I was pacing up my "tin", you stood in the shadows watching me; why, you have to tell me why? Do you feel bad? Confused? Do you hate me? Do you love me?

Why can't we talk to one another; we can barely look at one another. All my hope is gone; I have no party, no special event to look forward to knowing I'll see you then. God, my heart hurts. I miss you, terribly! I heart aches to hold you close to me, remember how I had to hold you close. Secretly, then, I wanted to heal your heart, you see I knew. I knew it all before you even told me.

No more Oscar performances for me. I did it for you; I know you don't want me any longer. I guess she'll better for you - some how.

God, the universe, the spirit world, us, what we do to ourselves. The spirit world is not good on "time", doesn't know "gender", and certainly doesn't know "age" like us humans do. The universe put us together to love and help heal one another. I humanized it with MY issues. I should have not done that; and that is my regret. You were always very kind to me; I was not so kind to myself.

My heart did not desert you; that was always a big concern to me. Although, I know I can't and could never, I somehow wanted to help heal your heart. I wanted to right all the wrongs, because I love you so. I think I just messed things up more.

I'm so messed up, see I can't really say for certain if I'm hurting for you or hurting for me. I once heard, we cannot love anyone any more than as much as we love ourselves. I must really love myself; I'm so in love with you. Remember, I'm here for you 24/7. Try not to hate me!