Could be my best yet?

Well, let's just same this is my first Christmas without family (neither mine or my partner's) and it's wonderful!

I am just going to sit here and drink in the freedom! No bullshit straight men preaching stories. No downgrading opinions, bigotry, poor advice, agreeing when I don't want to or thoughts given by straight white men and close-minded women.

No role playing this year and I can BLOG and speak my mind. I certainly could not on holidays past. Here, at home alone, I am free to write what I damn well please.

God, and I hated holidays has a child. Well, I just wasn't too crazy about my childhood, period. The church thing; how I hated it. The priest demanding money and coming to school and telling us kids we were going to go to hell for touching ourselves. What an asshole! As a child I would think that I could die and go straight to hell and burn for all eternity for calling a priest an asshole; yes, for speaking the truth. I certainly, would have gotten slapped in the face by anyone standing close by.

As a kid, I had no rights! As a kid I learned all too soon to keep my mouth shut or possibly end up in an asylum, on psychic drugs prescribed by a doctor or shamed to death. There were many times as a kid I wished I was dead.

To escape the tortures of life, most of my time was spent daydreaming. I dreamed of being loved by a beautiful warm loving woman, who would hold me and love me. I fell in love with every sweet woman that I would happen to see on TV, at a funeral home, church picnic or any older girl at school who was sweet to me. I lived in a dream world, it was the only way I could survive.

My mother was stern, demanding, hard, manipulating and cold; as was my grandmothers and all aunts. My father cruel when he wasn't ignoring me. My brother abused me with threats and punches. My half-sister cold ready to slap, spoiled and boy crazy. She lived in town with my grandmother for 14 years of my life I thought she was my aunt. Every family has a secret.

I lived on a farm in isolation with these people; you bet I walked the line! There were no neighbors to run to; no social services. The church? You have got to be kidding; they were the cruelest of all.

Girls were meant to be docile and want to get married and have children. Not me! Girls were supposed to love boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to play with dolls. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to be teased by boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to wear dresses. Not me!

Girls were supposed to be docile, if not they were broken down, belittled into being docile and obedient. Kids in general were supposed to be seen and not heard. Kids did not have an opinion; ate everything served on their plate, got spankings if they disobeyed. Boys were favored over girls; it was quite obvious. Hugs and kissed were not given because they would spoil the child. Babies were left to cry and not picked up so they wouldn't be spoiled.

I was raised in isolation on a farm; it was lonely. I had a void in my heart; I still do. I didn't know what to call it, I just felt it. It was like a sense of hopelessness and sadness and pending dome. I was supposed to get married; that is what I had to look forward to; I recoiled and revolted secretly because I would rather be dead. I never wanted children, why put them through this?

But, in the 70's liberation came along - well somewhat. The pill came around in the sixties and there was free sex. I felt men just made fools of women. I would have no part of it. I was in love with a girl. She didn't know it. The story of my life. It is very easy for me to keep secrets. I hurt silently, I always have, I am very practiced at it.

I was the only one of my kind; I knew no others. I could not tell anyone much less the girl that I loved; I would for sure be ostracized. It was too shameful.

But, although angonizing, the love I felt lightened my heart and gave me a sense of hope. No matter, I loved women secretly while dating men. I had sex with men alot. I didn't care, it was expected and I was taught to please. I ate them up and spit them out; I just didn't care!

This is my truly first Christmas without family, even though when I was alone and living on my own (I never lived with a man) there was always my family or the family of the guy I dated. But, secretly I loved her; I was awfully painful. She dated. I smoked and drank - a lot.

Finally, after many years of misery I just plain wanted to die. I prayed to die. but still way in side I kept hope. I loved myself. I was attractive; no man's fool, I was independent and planned on staying that way.

I came out when I was 40. I decided to show the world a lesbian couple could stay together and be just like any couple and make it work. I went with my partner to all her family functions, even out of town. I now, not only had to deal with my family but her family too! But, her's was at least a little more civilized and treated each other somewhat better; although the men were know- it-all typical males; some things never change. After a few years I come to realize that my now ex was a lot like her father and a lot like my mother. Ours was a platonic relationship. After all the meaningless sex with men; it didn't matter much.

I was buried in my work. We had lesbian friends who were mostly butch; that didn't turn me on. And the fem were in couples. So, I just turned that part of me off. My ex is a good person, basically - really.

Then one day my ex had surgery. Her doctor was so shy, kind, loving and sweet. Yes, I fell so in love with her; that part of me that was dead came alive. I dreamed of her all the time. By this time I was 20 pounds over weight and dressed butch. Yes! Then I got to thinking; you know I just might see her again, you never know. I actually felt it in my heart that I would see her again.

So, I dropped the weight, let my hair grow and became exercising even more. I dressed differently. When I weighted 117 I wore a size 6; I was HOT! Men were even looking at me again, not that I wanted them to. Then one day, I saw the doctor again; somehow, it came out how I felt, when she hugged me. I kissed her cheek. She was very sweet, actually, kissed my cheek. She handled very well; and by doing that - she saved my life. I will never forget her and love her forever. She gave me a lifetime of love in that one hug. She was wonderful. I was so at rock bottm. Well, needless to say, I can't see her anymore; but I'll never forget her.

I still love her and always will because she was a turning point for me; a catalyst for change. She saved my life. Soon after I cleared my life of my ex, my family, my home and moved to another state. I met a girl too and she brought me back to life! Yes, all in one year!

Yes, I'm alone this Christmas eve but I'm happy because I'm free to be me - finally. And I know a new love is just around the corner; someone who is very affectionate and loving. I will be fine! She will love me and make love to me.

Her and I will have fun doing things together and I will be free to be me. I will allow myself to be loved and remain being my own person..this will be something new for me; but I will be able to do it! We will respect each other and most of all love each other. We will have affectionate, loving, hungry sex together; it will be wonderful. We'll be like giggling girls. I will be fine!

I know this will happen, because I know now that I have the will and therefore the power to make it happen. I'm scared! I'm afraid of losing my freedom; just talking about it scares me, but I need love very badly so I'll take the chance. She and I will be able to talk about the things we need from each other and being able to talk like that will make our relationship work.

I will be fine! The universe if smiling down on me - I can feel it! I had to make the changes; I had to take control of my life and make it work for me and I'm in the process of doing that now..