I Love You!

Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me!

Nah, don't bother, I know you don't. I think you only felt bad because you hurt me.

I need someone who is very loving and not afraid to love. I backed away when I sensed it was no longer happening with you. A part of my heart will always love you; but I think I have written enough BLOG enteries to get past this. Well, I'm getting very close anyway.

I know! It takes me a long time and many enteries. But, I'll know true love when I find it.

When it gets into the upper 30's maybe I'll go out at night and find out what out there. I hate the thought, but I'll do it. I live in a fantasy world and I know it. Most of my life has been spent dreaming; it's not very physical (not at all - the painful, empty part) but it is safe.

I am so free and subconsciously I am rejoicing and celebrating my well deserved freedom. I ditched the family, the whole lot of them. I don't have to answer to anyone. God, I must have been numb for the past 15 years.

Actually, I thought there were no feminine lesbians; I was depressed and disheartened. I was numb, I merely existed. Don't get me wrong, my ex is good people and we did have good happy times; only without passionate sex. We just didn't match that way. I hope she is happier now; she has a girlfriend out of state.

I want to passionately love someone; but, someone who can love me back just as passionately. She will have to move me. Hopefully, there is someone out there like that because I need to feel the passion and give with affection.

I just finished watching the second half of "Fingersmith" on LOGO, a movie based on the novel by Sara Waters who also wrote "Tipping the Velvet." The movie was fabulous with edge of the seat suspense. I was so afraid that they weren't going to end up together. You know, in movies of the past, brought to you by MEN, they wouldn't have. The lesbians would have ended up with men. How depressed was I?

You know I should be estactic that cable and society has advanced in acceptance. You know, my situation, is not unique; many homosexuals have and still have many difficulties that they experience with narrow minded bigoted idiots who are probably latent homosexuals themselves only don't have the guts to face the truth.

I was raised catholic and god what a horrible experience that was. Between the church, traditional sexual/gendar rolls, and society as a whole it's a wonder I didn't end it all back in the 80's when I seriously thought about it. Yes, I wanted god to take me. Even today there are days when I think I would like to end this life and get started on the next; because in my next life I am not putting up with this fucking bullshit.

In my next life I will choose tender loving and compassionate parents who love each other and are intelligent with doctorate degrees. My mother will adore me (so will my dad. My own dad ignored me except to harrass, abuse, and belittle me, or beat my dog to death and make me watch (I thought I was next in line).

I yearned to be loved. This is the first time I am getting to the point where I admit that. In the past, I would never admit to need of any kind; and like my summer love, I strived with pride on doing everything myself. I needed no one! My life was painful! I secretly loved women and dated and screwed men. I ate them up and spit them out. I didn't love them, so what difference did it make. I couldn't have what I wanted, so why should you have what you want.

Actually, that is not the way is really was, but close. My whole life was a mistake and a lie. I was never true to myself, never!

I loved in constant heart ache and pain. I have watched too many women that I was in love with walk away with her boyfriends and know that I could never have them intimately; never make love to them. Social abuse such as I experience needs personal retribution. Where's my fucking million bucks? Hell, the church, the government, the media, the publishers, and every man on earth owes me.

No wonder I hate men! They must preach, rule, dominate and control everything, between men, social norms and my mother, no wonder I wanted to end it all. No wonder I do not speak to my family and don't care if I ever do again.

From a very young age, I got the message that I better not expect anything from my family. Never have I asked for anything. When I was 18 I worked and paid for my own car. When I was 21 I moved out. I should have moved further away, but there was that psychological, catholic guilt hold. My mother wanted to keep me down at her level. She wanted to keep me around to take care of her every need. After fifty painful years, I finally caught on. I'm out of here emotionally, mentally, and physically. She has two other children and they can do it. They are just like you anyway so you can be one big happy hypocritical family.

Well, I'm done for now. I want to read a little then go to bed. The fire has burned down in the fireplace and I am becoming a little chilled. Emma is down for the count and I'm getting very sleepy myself.

I'll dream about love tonight. At times, I wish that I was heartless and cold; I think life who be so much easier. Maybe it isn't love I feel, maybe its' yearning for love.

God and spirit guides thank you for all of my many blessings. I am truly thankful for my good health, safe and pain free life. I know that I am extremely blessed inspite of my loveless life! I do have good friends and I love myself so I really have nothing to complain about. And I had a wonderful summer love who was beautiful and adorable. So, I have truly no complaints.

My spirit guides have taken care of me where it counts. I know they have a plan for me and a change is coming soon, I can feel it. I know something exciting is about to happen and I'll have wonderful love.

Thoughts, I have haunt me. I only hope to god, that I didn't push her away. I hate the thought of hurting her and I know that is why I hurt so much now. She, my summer love, deserves so much love and there is so much here in my heart for her. Please god, you have to love her for me, she won't look to me, much less talk to me. Once more, she is truly out of my life now, I know I'll never see her again. She won't come around and if she does I won't be there. It's the way she wants it. Love 'em and leave them crying, it's the way I used to be with men. They didn't matter to me!

So, please god love her and take care of her and please I don't want her to hate me! If she needs my love; it is here waiting for her - I want her to know that! I just don't want her to hurt; she has had enough hurt for one lifetime; more than enough! Please love her for me? See, that is what holds me to her! The pain cements us together.

Enough already, send me some love!