Happy New Year's Eve!

Well, I don't know about you but I'm having a great, quiet, intimate, cozy New Year's Eve. And I am in control of everything that is going on this evening! I can select what I listen to, or watch; the incense I burn and the fire I lite.

"You don't know me" by Ray Charles and Diana Krall - so cool! That's a song I sang my whole life; both in the straight life and lesbian life!

It cracks me up! The songs are so romantic and oh so unrealistic! Like Hallmark! No wonder I live in a dream world; I expect life to be romantic and magical and once more, I won't settle for less! Life should be magical, a mystery, and heavenly!

I think if I could have felt okay wearing comfortable shoes; I might have gone tonight; now, I'm a little sorry that I didn't go. Actually, oscillating like this is typical of me. I would have known lots of people there. Oh well!

There was nothing stopping me from going. I had a blast last night at N's and this evening would have been non-smoking. I think I didn't like the commitment to midnight. You know feeling like to had to stay until the new year rang in. Also, I felt.. oh I don't know two nights in a roll is not typical of me.

I kissed someone last night! It scared her off! I think it's funny - it scared me too. Right after I did it, I didn't want the responsbility that went along with intimately committing to someone. And with sex, yes there is committment. Because, with me anyone, I think I would have loved her. Well, as it was, she wasn't ready either.

We both weren't ready, really! Ironically, we are extremely compatible or so it sounds. She as a lot of nice friends and that is wonderful. A couple of times this week she was taken out to dinner. I met for a drink. I only talked to her again last Tuesday. She a hugger - I like that!

I should see her next weekend, as friends. Today we spoke for ninety minutes and discussed things we wanted and expected. I expressed desire for a special relationship where intimacy was included but no serious commitment. Well, for example, only seeing one another once a week, or when either one felt like calling the other; but, the other is not obligated to reciprocate if she doesn't feel like it at the time.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with a relationship like that; why not enjoy each other's intimacy. Care, even love one another but not see each other on a daily basis. This way we are free to be ourselves and get the necessary work done with ourselves; but, still be there for each other.

Nothing complicated, just loving each other. Then we would have things to talk about, things to share.

I'm not finished yet! I still think, I have things to offer - love for one. But, truthfully, it's getting too hard. So, I really don't care. I have all that I need - myself and many good friends. We'll see what 2006 has in store.

Oh, the hell, with it, I'm in it for myself. I don't need the intimacy - it's not worth the emotional roller coaster ride.