Christmas Day 5:00PM

So far so good!

By now the family has had their big discussion regarding me; or maybe I flatter myself, maybe they didn't.

Well, there isn't much they can do? I don't really think they would bother with a surprise visit. If they are smart; they'll leave me alone. I just want to go away. Janet knows; maybe she hinted at the real reasons today. Oh, I bet they could just kick my ass for bailing. Of course, they probably do not think of it as bailing; but, I certainly do and did.

I don't miss them; actually, I'm rather joyous basing in my feeling of freedom. That is their world and this is my world - two separate things that cannot interact.

Things were okay at Deb's. Her two kids and her mom was there along with neighbors: Tom, Darla, Steve and Jeri. We had great food and lots of sweet and played games.

Deb said she saw my sister dancing at Harry's East Friday evening. I just said "Really?" and that was it! End of topic! No one there asked about my family; not even Jeri. No one asked where I was going next. I think that there was some discussion earlier probably amongst themselves before I got there.

Deb and I use to have good conversations on our patios before I moved away. We had good personal conversations about family and love lives. Today I thought about those conversations and missed them; although a times they were painful. Sometimes it helps to talk to people; sometimes it doesn't. Journaling really helps me. I have at least fourteen journal books mostly filled with painful thoughts concerning my relationship with my mother. I'm not the type to confront her; to me that is senseless because there is no fix; I don't want it fixed! Period! I just want out! My negative feelings do not surround one situation or mishaps; my negative feelings cover a continuum spanning a life time. Who she is, is who she is, the same with me; like oil and water, we don't mix. In their mind I'm probably just a sick-o and that is fine with me. I don't want to fight, I just want out! Go away Arlene!

I'm home enjoying the warmth of a fire in the fireplace and drinking hot coffee and relaxing, reflexing and looking foward at the same time.

I took Emma on a long walk to wear off all the sugar I have had recently. God, I need to go to the gym. I will run tomorrow for sure. I'm going to try to read a little of "Same Soul Many Bodies" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. and I want to read "Past Lives Future Lives" by Dr. Bruce Goldberg. I am going to participate in Pioneers to the Future: Exploring Future Life Progression a workshop and class for four weeks on Monday evenings beginning January 23, 2006. The choices we make now can affect our future. The seeds we plant in this life will contribute to our future lives.

I love a the snap, popping sights and sounds of a wood fire. I am so glad that I bought this condo and moved here. I enjoy living on the second floor, it's so cozy! I also really like the patio doors and decks front and back and the wider view of things below and beyond.

I really knew that I made a great move when I was back at my old condo building today. I no longer had a good feeling; it didn't feel like it was ever home at all. Surprisingly, it didn't feel like I lived there for all those years. Amazing! One day, I just left my old life behind and started all over again. I think I'm beginning to understand you better now my love; a little bit better perhaps.

Here is another amazing thing! The minute my condo went up for sale there were people wanting to buy it; I had it sold within four days! Mine is a townhouse and really, the most popular, so people say, or the garden units which are one-story. Well, there are two garden units available now and none of the present residents there: Jeri, Deb, or Darla knew if anyone was interested in buying them. I found this bit of news very surprising! I realize that interest rates were low this past June; but I thought more people would want their buddies living in the neighborhood. This bit of news tells me that I was very lucky! It's all karma isn't it?

Everything that has happened to me in the past eighteen months has been karma and it all started with falling in a love with a doctor. Love was the catalyst that put me on the path of my purpose here in this lifetime. I thought you were my purpose. I guess I was all wrong. But, I did learn many things from being with you, even though it was a very short time.

But see, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose in this lifetime. I learned not to feel as guilty as I would have felt ignoring my family; of course, three therapist helped too with that guilt stuff. But, you taught me so much and one of those things was to be free to be who I am.

In life we make connections and touch hearts and we take those connections along on our journey. And the people we meet who have made a connection with us, rather physically with us or not, are in our hearts and minds. Our souls make connections, lasting connections sometimes; anyway they do with me? I'm thinking about you this day and I miss you. For some reason, I am a little surprise that I do still care this much. I know, its because of the intimacy that we shared. I meant very much to me!

Still, I'm very excited about the new year and I am wondering what dust I can kick up. I'm free you know to explore every lovely face that passed before me and I plan on doing just that. I want to touch as many hearts and faces as I can. But, I wish I had you back in my life!

Funny, the path that life puts us on. Funny, the paths in life that we take ourselves on - that is why I have to be careful and think things through. I want to have love and fun but not live with anyone. I want a lot of sex; I have to make up for lost time, you know.

I would like to go out with my summer love once in a while for a good time; but she is so angry. When did we get to the point where things got to be so tough and angry. I'm not mad or upset about anything; should I be? I would like to take you out for dinner and casual fun sex. Did I say that? What ever you want, you got it!

I was rather surprised by the every night thing. I thought we would date once, twice, three times a week? But, as it was, it was wonderful and I did love what we had. Maybe we should have set up a program up-front to follow, I don't know; I was so out of circulation, I don't know which end is up. I'm learning. I don't care if it was just for fun and sex - that was all I wanted. Actually, I thought you were quit wonderful. It was a wonderful summer and thanks for helping me with all the things that you did for me.

See, you taught me a lot. I have no regrets. I would; however, like to see you once in a while. Just try not to hate me.

You may think that I interact well with people, but I really don't. I buy presents and bake things for people for different ocassions, not just holiday, but then I don't follow through, I don't actually give the gifts. I think I'm afraid I'll appear foolish or the gifts won't get good enough. I have good intentions but not the confidence; I'm such a mess. The more I can, the worse my confidence level gets. I just thought I'd throw that in...it's my journal, I can ramble on if I want to.

Life is so scary at times and all these chances we have to take and all the fears. of rejection. Oh well! You know I don't know how to date. I'm very afraid of offending someone or creeping them out. Oh what the hell! I'm good at it anyway - making a fool of myself so why not! Actually, all I have to do is read this paragraph about five times and I am no longer worried about making an impression. I know what I am and I really don't need anyone!

Well, I have to put another log on the fire...reminds me of a country western song.

Okay, time to stoke the fire and get to the books I want to read.

Do you know a woman who might want some sex? I want to make her very happy. She doesn't even have to reciprocate.