Nice Day!

I was just thinking about how bold (well bold for me) I'm getting. Well, this is about my third time in a spirituality type class where there are about up to fifteen people and in the past I never really felt comfortable speaking to a group 0f people; but recently I have been. It even easier when I have just met the group and don't really know any of thing personally. I was a little surprised at myself.

I am becoming a little more bold with people on an individual level too. Recently I ran into a person whom I met once who just sort of attached herself to me. Sometimes an act of kindness is taken the wrong way; and misinterpretated as flirting or they think you like them. This particular person always had her hands on me - a real turn-off. She is butch. I can't do that! It's a real turn off for me in such a way that I have to move away. I have to flee!

I'm been like that more so in the past few years. Sorry, to say, I got that way with my mother. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. Do events and ominus effects of certain people accumulate over time?

Anyway, the butch ended up leaving and I fleed from the state where my mother resides. Surprisingly enough, I no longer feel guilt.

How odd, the thought and vision of Teresa just came to mind while I was talking about my despiteous mother. Teresa is an angel; well, to me anyway! She saved my life; she brought me back to life, anyway. I miss her holding me. I felt safe when he held me. She gave me hope, love and brought me out of my despair. I have been looking for a word to describe the feeling at the time; and that's it: safe! She made me feel whole for a moment and safe.

I can't believe how good I feel! A burden has been lifted. I am FREE to be ME! Wonderful me! Fabulous me! Who cares if no one else thinks so? My opinion of myself is the most important!

It only took a lot of therapy to get to this point; but, I here and I'm staying. Now, away from past loves and my mother. I'm FREE to be who I am for a change. When I was a kid my mother told me what to say, when to say, what to do ...well you get the idea. I felt her love was conditional, so I tried my very best to please her. Please her and she'll love me, right? It never happened! I gave and gave and gave and gave and nothing was given to me.

I did the same with the church, men, women friends, society and the rest of the family. So, I had learned too to fall for unobtainable people; like my mother. My mother pushed me away when I was a toddler. I raised my arms indicating I wanted her to pick me up and hold me. I stood at her knee, lap level, it looked like there was room there for me. My dad sat in another chair near by. I was always afraid of him. She said. "You're too big to hold." I looked at her and then at my dad, nothing! God, I was broken hearted! I guess I just walked away with this hole in my heart; this little ache that never went away. There were no hugs from them ever when I was a kid or a young adult.

I think I carried that pain around in my heart for years. Prehaps, I choose distant, unobtainable people to fall in love with out of familiarity; and I guess I thought it was better to be held at bay when to fall and be rejected. I don't know? I think that is why I have an intuitive nature and can see pain in someone's eyes. I love deeply and with a lot of leeway for those kinds of eyes.

But, therapist do say we tend for fall for people like our mothers. I have always had crushes on girls then women from the time I was very small. I dated boys in high school and men as an adult; that magical moment that would set me straight when I finally had sex with a man, never took place. Well, the sex did, but not the change; I was never set "straight".

I missed my 30's, still trying to please society, family, and men. Still trying to be the good kid. The little ache remained in my heart.

When I reached 40, I couldn't take it anymore. Besides all my straight friends were married and went on with their lives. I met someone at work; we became good friends. It was the first same-sex relationship of commitment for both of us. How did I live all those years without passion. I loved her don't get me wrong and she is a wonderful person, we remain friends to this day. We were just too broken people who had come together and we just didn't quit fit.

Through the relationship, my mother and family continued to be a thorn in my side. I was terribly troubled. I decided on therapy. It took three therapist to break though the brainwashing of the church, family and society. Finally, I got the message; I did not owe anybody, neither my father, mother, brother or half-sister nothing. I didn't have to associate with them. Finally, I got the message!

Push came to shove when I fell in ove with Teresa. I was at the end; just barely hanging on. I wanted to die! She gave me life; a reason to care about myself once again. A reason to stop trying to please in order to receive a crumb of emotion. I was 56 then, and I wanted to live life; so, I got in shape, dressed better and began feeling good about myself. Sexual!

I decided to ditch everybody! My partner of fifteen years and the whole family! I moved and didn't tell my family or offer an address. Of course, they found out! I'm still friends with my ex, but it's nothing like it was; there are unspoken boundaries now accompanied by feelings of mutual respect.

I never got with Teresa anymore in anyway. But, she's right here in my heart. I saw her one sunny fall day just like that first day. I smiled big and she looked at me and she knew who I was. We didn't need words actually, she saw I was okay; that I was still okay! I had been the one that the doctor thought she couldn't fix; couldn't heal. But, she did heal me; she healed my heart. I smiled at her and she smiled knowingly. It brings tears to my eyes, just thinking about her.

I had wanted to see her that day; I need to. Timing is everything isn't it? My spirit guides and the powers of the universe had a hand in it. It was magical!

A love not long ago for me was magical too and healing. People just don't know the blessed effect they have on you. But they do have an effect. This one, she healed my heart. She gave me back something I never got in the first place, when I should have gotten it. She gave me passion, love and desire. A second chance! She was and still is a precious gift. She'll never realize that; or come to know it, but she should. Funny, how the universe puts two people together to help heal each other then a little piece, a little part, is left behind of the other in each. It's a wonderful thing! I will always love her for what and who she is and for "us" when we had that. She is truly a gift! She would never believe that! I will love her unconditionally forever.

It's funny that in retrospect, I can connect the dots from childhood to now that brought me to who and where I am. I'm still traveling down that road of life and enjoying the journey by adding many loves to my heart. Oh, I still feel the ache! I need her and miss her! It wil happen again. I have too much love in my heart for it not too. But, it's at times like this when I would love to just hold her close to my heart for a long time the way I use to; it felt so good! You now like that "hold" I never got as a little toddler; I don't think she did either.

She's gone and the ache is here; but, it will be fixed again. I only had those feelings for two wonderful people; her and Teresa. Those feelings were so pure, special, deep and a little bit like heaven. Teresa will come back and be there when I die; she'll hold me for as long as I need and take me through to the other side.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I just think when I do many years from now; it would be nice if it felt like that; and since I'm in charge, it's already written.