Well, I call the process of thinking back and seeing what things and/or events connected one person or one situation to another. When I do that, I get a fairly clear message of my purpose. Trust me, the purpose is only known to me and only lies within me although I think I'm "here" for another; but, I'm probably not.
The "free well" factor interfers, however, in the process. And not my free well, her's. Maybe she is not my "reason" although I feel so sure that it is; I can't be myself around her. I walk on egg shells; so, why would I want that?
And why do I feel such love for her? It is because I can relate to her pain? Is it because I recognize the pain in her eyes? Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel this way; but, sometimes more than not I embrace it. I want to hold her close; so close that the pain in my heart heals her empty heart.
But, I don't think her heart is so empty. I think she loves me. I think we love each other.
I remember wanting life to be normal too, going through the motions. Ideally everything was wonderful. I loved entertaining, cleaning, cooking and in my head it was fun and warm and good. But, when the love wasn't there it was empty. Sometimes the love was so strong for another, I stumbled over every word, I was brain dead, an idiot. But, what a glorious feeling to be able to love like that!
I miss holding her and loving her. I just wanted.....oh well, it's done now.
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