Merry Christmas

It's 2:00 PM on Christmas Eve, so far I'm having a great Christmas. No Really! I saw my true "family" at Frontrunners this morning, despite the inclimate weather there was quite of few of us there. I had nice one-on-one conversation while running. It was nice! We talked a little about relationships and love. We didn't talk about family; I don't have much input on that subject. They surprised me because I guess I wasn't expecting it; but they said they were going to M's on Tuesday and I was extremely happy to hear that.

There is one person who warms my heart that I would love to see there at M's too. I would love to hug her and kiss her forehead. I might just reach over kiss her forehead if the moment presents itself no matter what her expression. I think she should know that I love her; that I'm "solid" in her life. My ex is a "solid" in my life and damn sometimes that is a wonderful thing to have; just to know someone is there and cares about you. Someone you can call when times are tough; someone you know loves you. My ex's and mine was mostly a platonic relationship for all those years, yet when push comes to shove I think we can depend on each other for health care power of attorney etc., you have to have that. You need a solid base in your life. Someone who loves you unconditionally and will be there for you and will never take advantage of you. I'm here for you my summer love, if you need me - unconditionally (which means I do not expect anything in return).

You see, I loved you as soon as I saw you and when you shared things with me, it only deepened my love for you. Personally, I think the universe sent me to care about you. I know you don't agree and right now, I think you don't like me very much. Actually, I don't care if you come up to me and punch me in the gut; I can see through all of that stuff.

Then again, I might be totally wrong; anyway, I hope you are happy! Are you sick of her yet? Is she a little too happy, too perfect, and assuming?

Okay, okay, hey it's Christmas and I'm happy and strung out on caffeine. I'm proud of myself today. I'll explain. I woke up to water pouring up out of the pavement on to the street front of my condo. So, before I left to go to Frontrunners, I filled two buckets of water, a little pale, jugs etc. It's now after 2:00 in the afternoon and well, all I can say is that they are out here working on it still and my water is off and I haven't touch my reserves yet. I'll be fine! The poor neighbors around the corner and down the street didn't see it coming, so I guess I'm lucky in planning ahead.

This afternoon I have things I want to write, read and I want to watch "Tiping the Velet" and maybe "Fingersmith" again. Both movie are by Sarah Waters and are terrifically done. Oh, I may play my guitar and/or key board first but whatever, I'm ready to get a fire going, incense, burning, coffee brewing and celebrate my freedom.

I got a Xmas card from my mother; she is worried that I am sick and I should let her know how I am. Evidently my sister-in-law has not told her the ture contents of the email that I sent this past summer; which included adjectives such as manipulating, self-serving, controlling, and demanding - you get the idea!

I don't trust any of them! She is baiting me; she has always done this, how dumb does she think I am as to not have caught on by now? She has already had my nephew bait me too. "I need to talk to you about something, call me" Yeah right! I cannot stand to be in the presence of my mother or even stand to talk to her; this has been going on for a long time. I'm trying to be half-way civil here and just keep my distance. If I speak to them, sharp words will be sprewed; I wouldn't really care, but it's not my style. Why give them more food for fodder - turning me into the "bad" guy. As it is, I"m the "sick" guy now - I think it's funnier than hell; it has never been anything she, or they may have done. There is no way in hell I'm going back; I'm passed the catholic guilt phase. I know she and they want to reel me back in to manipulate me into doing their bidding. I have learned at an early age never to ask or expect anything from them; quite frankly, I do not want to owe them anything so I have never asked for anything - not since I was a young kid. I have nothing to give them. I don't trust them. I just can't get over my egoistic mother, thinking I'm sick and just not telling her. It makes me want to laugh! The woman cannot take a hint - never could. I'm not a daughter, I'm property to her; just something you can beat about the head, stump upon my honor and heart and think I'm going to love you unconditionally. It just doesn't work that way. If she or anyone treats me like shit and the love fads away; end of story. Same with my dad. When I was a little kid he beat my dog to death, made me watch and lead me to believe I was next; that more than did it for me. There was nothing left after that. I just put my time in and left that concentration camp when I got to be 21 and legal. But still those idiots had a catholic guilt hold on me, but years of therapy and I'm better, much better but the hole in my heart is still there and I don't know how or where to find the warm affectionate love I never got. I did once though (the good doctor) and I think I will again - soon. I think the universe and my spirit guides are within (amazing, that was a typo, I meant to say with me). I think it will be soon.

I met someone. I hope she's not straight! She is very affectionate and warm and touches me. Damn, I wish I would have hugged her the other night. Anyway, I'm praying about it. I need that (former) perpetual ache in my heart to go away, like it did this past summer although briefly. I think the universe is with me finally. Because finally I can admit that I NEED love; I would never admit that before now. I also think that I have learned that I can love and be loved and not turn myself completely over to them; that I can still be an individual. My mother's love was conditional and she certainly let me know it. She never held up for me, she wanted to keep me under her thumb, she ignored my lifestyle. When I was very little I HAD to ask her. "Why did you have kids?" Her reply. "To help me work; to be a helper." Right about then she stopped holding me. I was too big to hold. So, no more hugs - ever. For years I wondered why I never felt anything for her and yet I could love my friends, etc. I finally figured it out; my friends were nice to me and cared about me.

Life is so weird. I tried so hard to be straight. I think I broke a lot of hearts. I was so docile yet could never love in return. Women? All they had to do was smile at me, and I was in love. If they were sweet to me or touched me, or god forbid hold me, I loved them forever (the doctor).

I can't wait for my next life! I am going to be born to a wonderfully warm, loving, caring and most affectionate mother. She will hold me and love me and I will love her in return. She will be the wind beneath my wings and nurture and push me onward and prepare me for the world with encouragement. I will be a lesbian too the next time, I will love from a very young age and treasure all the loves that I missed out on. In this lifetime which was wasted trying to be straight to please my family, society, the government and the church. They will never ever rob me of my life and loves again. Never! As God and the universe as my witness - never again! There will never be another hole in my heart - ever!

I still have time in this lifetime, I think and I hope. You see I'm stuck too, time moved on when I was still trying to straighten the mess all out. So, god, the universe and my spirit guides, I need your help! Let's speed things up a little. You know what I want and what kind of person I want; so see what you can do! You know, I missed out on a lot of loving affectionate lesbian sex - I'm way overdue. So, I need someone desirable and who wants me and it!

No matter what happens or doesn't happen in 2006 I do love myself; I really do. I've done damn good for myself and I look good. No matter what, I thank god, the universe, my spirit guides for all of my wonderful blessings of many friends, good health, common sense, safe and pain free days and lots of prosperty. My wonderful friends! I have been very fortunate just within the past year I have met so many wonderful people through the two groups I belong too. And I have my friends I have also known for years. And I have special loves that own a corner of my heart; I will cherish them always!