Matters of the Heart

Before I forget I want to make a note to watch "Fingersmith" at 9 Central, this evening on LOGO. Its a story of two women; need I say more. The previews alone drive me wild. It is set in 1800's England. In the preview scene there are two women in long dresses, one hiking up the long skirt of the other as she gently pushing her onto the bed. Whew!

My ex came to visit today; just stopped by and was a little sad with the up and coming holidays. In years past, when she was sad or unhappy, I always felt bad and even today I'm feeling a little guilty and a little responsible just as in the past. Maybe that is the look my summer love was sporting near the end, when it was over. I don't know; I certainly, hope not!

Anyway, my ex came to visit for awhile; she was out walking and stopped by to walk Emma, so the three of us went for a walk. I was glad to see her get out to walk; she needs to get healthy. She wouldn't need blood pressure medicine if she got her act together. Oh, sounds like I could be lecturing. I had not preached for years and so I didn't today either; she knows what she needs to do to stay healthy. She is feeling rather depressed this Christmas season; she always did during the fifteen years we were together. And just as I was with my mother; if she was unhappy or sad I always felt responsible or guilty. For some reason their happiness had priority over my happiness. I guess as a kid I began programmed that way!

I left the whole family, my old life and I moved to another state. I had to get out and find love; the void in my heart was consuming my very existence. I hurt people along the way by doing that. I hurt my ex; even though our relationship was platonic and I know she was unhappy; I pulled the rug out from under her. After she moved, one day she had to abandon her grocery cart and leave the store because she began to cry. When she told me this I felt very bad; but my heart had to be free to love. In my heart I truly felt that someone out there, really needed my love; all the love that I had to offer. But, maybe that someone out there, was really me. Maybe it's me searching to be unconditionally loved; maybe it's me who needs to be unconditionally loved.

I need to free my heart. I don't know what I need?

And now I'm feeling a little suspicious! Why did my ex say "she'll stay as long as she wants at her relatives then leave." She has brought this topic up several times; so of course, my defense mechanisms are turned on to "alert" mode. I don't trust anyone at this point. Is there a set up in store; a confrontation? Please God just make my family go away! I need my life! I need my love to turn me around. I need your help!

I was wonderfully in love this past summer. My heart was full and happy with her! Hey you! No wonder I cherish the time we had together. I think you are precious; I hope you didn't feel bad toward the end of what we had. I think you are adorable, don't ever feel bad! It was so wonderful to love you; an honor and a privilege! And, NO I'm not out of my mind! I will always love you!

You know if the universe is truly up to snuff, I will soon love again with the same intensitive; will not the same, but it will be closely different? I have too big a heart to just have all these warm loving feelings just float about in the air, above our heads. I want to hold someone close to my heart and kiss her her head, her face..you get the idea. I think it is possible to love with intensivity yet still keep a lovely physical distance in order to keep the sparks alive and flying. So, we miss each other and can't wait to see each other. We will have our time for ourselves just to be alone together; to lie together and love each other. Maybe we'll just see each other ocassionally. I guess I"ll wonder about that detail later; first I have to win her heart.

Love is a wonderful thing! There is nothing like I would do anything for you love! Someone who takes your breath away. And they mean so much to you, that you can't speak.

I already have my eye on someone; she is loving and kind with wonderfully talented hands. She's alone I know. I don't know where her heart is; I don't even know what side of the fense she lives on, but I have an idea. At first I wasn't aware that she saw the rainbow sticker in my wallet; but I know that she did. So, she knows what team I'm playing on. I can tell and I sense certain things about people; I'm intuitive you know. I think she would be very affectionate in her love making.

I'm not only writing, I'm watching an English movie on LOGO "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit." And this young girl, about thirteen, just met another young girl and there was an instant attraction. Watching this makes me very sad, I missed out on so much. I didn't come out until I was 40 and then I went into long mostly platonic relationship for many years. A relationship with someone somewhat like my mother; says the therapist. God, how sad is that? Don't get me wrong I don't want to demean the long term relationship that I had, it was meaningful and offered security; we just didn't have the passion.

God, how I want to die and come back a Lesbian in today's world where society is more accepting. In my next life I will be born to a beautiful, loving, affectionate mother. She will nurture and support me. She will hold me and love me! She will encourage me to be to be my own person and to get the most education possible. She will love me for who I am and give me the loving support I will need to go out into the world to explore. I will be a loving lesbian tottally out with extreme self-esteem and I will embrace life, and a special woman and love her with all my heart. Love is a wonderful thing and we shouldn't have to live without it.

Now at this time in my life, I think relationships should have lots of passionate sex. Love and sex should be high priority. If the love and sex is good, I can look beyond just about anything. Love is the tie that binds us!

Note: Per a LOGO survey 1 in 16 are gay in England. So, that is the survey, in actuality the ratio is probably higher.

I'm beginning to make sense of it all love! I put a lot on you; I realize that now! You were the first love where I got to express my love. I am not only mourning the lost of you love; but the lost of all past loves that I NEVER got to express sexually. They were all wrapped up in you. All those past unexpresses loves were bundled up inside my heart. I understand my feelings better now. I can let it go and move on now! In a way, you were my first real love and I will always love you.