Do You Read Me?

What a dark overcasted cloudy cold day. Hey, FedEx just pulled up..damn not for me. That would have brightened my day. I have three little packages coming: Prempro (love the stuff), small rainbow wallet, and the the book by Sarah Waters, or maybe it isn't so new? "Affinity" is the title.

I think I love the action of buying the book more than reading it, since I have several laying around that are not getting read. I just can't get into sitting and reading for long periods of time - my mind is everywhere and needed to express itself rather than read about somebody's elses thoughts and actions.

Now I am just going to babbler on today so forgive me in advance. Tomorrow evening I told someone that I would meet her to buy her a birthday drink; I'm a little excited about that but cautious.

I'm actually pretty much of an introvert; I could be very content being at home alone most of the time. If only my hormones and heart wouldn't have a mind of their own. I guess that is what separates me from the christmas cactus plant that is setting on my coffee table.

My dog Emma is great company, I meet lots of fine people when I am out walking her. She is a great companions and a guaranty that I will get up and out at least four times a day.

Last night I had my Yoga class and I always enjoy that. Too bad, the instructor is straight. In fact, I think all who participate are straight. But, do you every really know? You know, married one day and living with a partner the next? One in ten?

Where I guess I'll head to the new big Target store to look for a inexpensive top for Saturday evening. I went through this before, and I hate the tops that I have. Actually, I think it is pre-dressing up ocassion jiggers. There, now that I have admitted it; maybe it will be better. Ever notice how things go so much better on those ocassions where you really don't care or give a shit. You know? You know just what to expect and it is all familiar so you are comfortable.

Will with this thing Saturday (and Friday), I'm a little uneasy, but curious! So, I'll go! I think I will be find, I just have to learn not to care what people think of me; or is it even that? Yes, I think it is - it's a childhood thing.

Speaking of childhoods. My ex and I were talking about her girlfriend in Fl. Seems her parents were alcoholics and she went to bed many a night hungry. Now, that just tears my heart out! So, she vowed that she would do everything possible so no child has to go to bed hungry. But, that's not the worse of it, has a yound adult missionary she went to middle America region to built schools with nuns. She was raped repeatedly and left for dead. Yes, the scars are there on the outside and on the inside.

So, our time that we were meant to be together had come to an end and we both are on different paths; perhaps, to fulfil our life destinies and purposes. My ex may have found hers; I don't know about mine? I had thought for a time that I did find her. I still love and care about her. I pray for her; you knows, maybe that is all that is required of me. I wanted to give her more and be more for her. I wanted to hold her more and listen more and be there for her. Damn, I miss her. Oh well, I guess I wasn't what she needed. Maybe, I made things to painful for her. Maybe that new person in her life is more fun and keeps things light in her life. I hope she is happy. I would love to see her.

It's a test of my strength, but I can do it. Sooner or later, I have a way of putting things in perspective. Wow, I am so scared. You know life is very scary. I'm a little sad and semimental because I'm choose not to go to safe poker this evening but to venture out into the unknown.

Wow, I wish I could see her. She can even bring whats-her-face along, I don't care. I would just like to see her. I think that they was a bond build between us; this lasting invisible bond. I don't know?

I know what will help - I'll go out and buy something. Actually, I want to stop by Target then take my laptop in to the Bread co near there and write. Man, the last time I was at a busy, noisy, Bread Co., I could wirte like crazy - non stop for a couple of hours. I only stopped because I felt guilty after awhile about taking up space for so long; I can only eat and drink so much.

Well, here I go! I'll check in later. Usually, I write like I am talking directly to her don't I? Anyway! I wonder if she reads me; at one time she did. This is like being able to talk to her - in a way. Blogging is something that I just have to do right now, because my heart still thinks it's connected to hers and it keeps crying out to her. So, heart, this is the best that I can do right now for you!