A New Year

What lovely weather for January 1st, 2006. It is 50 degrees; so why am I sitting here? Well, I ran six miles yesterday without nutrition packs and after three glasses of wine the night before. I would say that that was quite an accomplishment.

I just had quite an atonishing awakening! My ex is my mother; well only in certain ways. My ex is positive and very extroverts and people minded unlike my mother. But, like my mother my ex makes me feel incompetent, daunted, and over-powered. Wow, no wonder I sat in the passenger seat all those years. She always makes me feel like crying with guilt; she makes me sad. When I am around her I do feel the underlying control of her personality.

Don't get me wrong, she is a good person and everyone likes her; but she drains the life out of me. I lose my confidenece in her presence. She is truly back to her old self and I am glad for that; really! I'm glad that she is happy. I think what makes me sad is too, with my ex, it is my fault we split up. She hopes 2006 is a better year for me.

Why can't someone just love me for who I am? Why can't I have unconditional love? Why can't someone just be affectionate, want me and just love me? I'm not demanding, complaining, whinning, angry or a pitiful mess. And I'm cute! I am nice looking; you should see my body? I'm damn cute? I'm very independent and really don't need anything from anyone except sex and love. But, I am little picky I guess, myself. I don't want a complainer or someone who has to analyze everything; just love and be happy. I wish my summer love could be more like this. Why the all or nothing at all? Why not just the ocassional getting together? Why love so surfacing, so intensely, than pitch that love away like a serving of fast food drive through. Are all lovers considered the same?

I am pretty screwed, its true. I can't just call friends up and chit chat or gossip or complain or tell them about my heartache. I just can't do it. Because then I know it makes the local broadcast sytsem and I think that is so unfair to anyone.

I think maybe my new friend is someone I can call and talk too. We were talking yesterday. I said my ideal relationship would be that we get together when either of us wants to and the other person is free (not to feel obligated) to say no, not today. We get together we go out, or just hang out. We are there for each other and then we part company until either one of us wants to talk, visit or see each other again intimately.

This is my ideal situation because so many people have so many things going on with their careers and don't want someone around all the time. Why do people feel like they have to be together constantly or live together. I think a certain amount of longing is good for the heart; but still in the back of your mind she is there and you know you will see her again. Just knowing that, is enough for me. I don't even care if she are seeing someone else. As long as they give me their full attention; like I'm a precious piece of merchantise, when they are with me. Make me feel special and I will please you to no end; well, to a good end.

Let me love you, cook for you, cuddle with you, love you and listen to the problems of your day or the problems of your past. I'm a caring listener if you capture my heart.

Well, the sun, went away, it's getting dark out and the rain will come soon. I love the rain. I have a whole weeks worth of newspapers to read and a Rottweiler to walk so I guess I'll get to it.

Note: I have to do my daily prayer first: God, Universe, my spirit guides please bless, protect and keep safe the special loves in my life and all my friends. Help to keep them stay healthy, wealthy, and wise, safe and prosperous in the new year. Please make sure you protect the young Internet girl. Please keep her safe from abuse, harm, ill health, injury and please let her be independent, but loved deeply; she is this precious and perfect little thing, I hope she knows that.