A Quiet Evening..and weekend

Looks like rain! So I'm a little gloomy myself matching the weather conditions; and I don't know why though. I rode bicycle this morning with my friend. I am emailing a nice person, we are pen pals. I suspect that will go no-where. I am not very optimistic lately.

I'm depressed, but don't even care that I am depressed. Now, that's weird! I could have gone out with a social group every night this weekend; but my heart is not in it. I can't connect. I'm a one person, person. Besides I have trouble communicating with people..so it seems. It's just noise, empty noise and senseless words. Bullshit - in other words. I prefer one-on-one conversation not one-upness.

Don't you know..most of my life has been empty noise..so what was the point? The 80's were bullshit! Pointless and meaningless gargle..I could have been on drugs for as much as I got out of it. Oh, I guess I had drunken fun...I don't know. I did have a lot of sex..that was good! I guess. There was no love connected to the sex...again..pointless and with men! Ugh! Oh my god! Some men are good lovers however. I least you know where you stand with men...you know they want SEX.

My best love...last summer! A high point! That was with a woman!

Oh have you heard? Rosie is supposed to replace Meredith on "The View"? You must be kidding? I wouldn't sit her right next to Star. Cat fight! God, this will be better then women's roller derby. If it's true, I can hardly wait! Oh my god! Now Joy and Rosie...maybe? But Elizabeth, Star and Rosie..getting along....NO WAY! September should be exciting! And just what has Star done to herself? Is she still trying to turn that gay man straight by turning herself into Diana Ross? Her eyes? What happened to her eyes?

My rottweiler is content, lying and looking out the patio doors and I am so happy. So what if she barks at people and dogs passing..

I'm feeling better now that I took my third S.A.M.E...it's a supplement to improve mood and joints and connetive tissue. I took more today, because I have been a little depressed. But, I have been depressed most of my life.. so it's no big thing anymore. I just keep, keeping on...

Maybe I'll play my guitar. I should get my ass out and run in the morning. I have not ran for over a week....Oh, I rode 85 miles last Sunday and 107 yesterday.. I guess that's enough. I like the upper body workout, that comes with riding my roadbike. But, I think I get a better high running 13.1 miles. See, I am depressed and a little nuts. No, "I am just trying to kill myself one feature at a time"...to borrow a line from ....tell me the movie.. Is it "Lunch on the Green"?...Marsha Mason and Nathan Lane, playing a screaming queen. Marsha is an ex-drunk..an actress, she gets beat up and goes to meet her ex for lunch with a black eye. Her daughter is more mature than she is...her daughter is .... and they have lunch at "On the Green" in Central Park at the end with her ex-husband. And Marsha wants to be like her daughter when she grows up... What's the daughter name? She was in the TV show "Family". She's a little dyke in real life, something Nichols.......come on what is it? What's the name of the girl who plays the daughter and what is the name of the movie...Is it "Lunch in the Park?" I think it's "Lunch in the Park". Is it Christy McNichols? And the name of the movie? I keep wanting to say "The Good-bye Girl" but that 's not it. Hmm.

I can't figure out why I am so depressed. Oh, I know why! I just don't want to talk about it! I'm better now anyway.

I don't get people at times. I do care for my friends.. but I need a lover..why is that so hard to find? Jesus god, it's only freak'n sex...people act like they would be committed for life...what the hell is wrong with people? And why do I want it so bad.... I'm talking lesbian sex here.....make no mistake. But, truth be told, I am particular...I want it either with .....I'm not saying and I'm not saying.

And why do people really think they are hot shit when they are getting it...it's so sickening to see. People like to rub it in. I can't stand it. So, just for that, I'm staying in this weekend...