What a Life

I rode bicycle this morning again with my 32 year old friend. God love her! I had to hug her..she's not at all happy with her job.

Well, she was headed to work, that is after she works on her project for her master's class. She was sad because she had to go; and when thinking of dealing with difficult people at work, became even more sad.

Her sister's career is on board; but, my friend is still struggling with her life career, so she was having a tough time today. I felt for her. I've been there.. Some people just fall into it and some people have the hardest time getting a start on it all. I wish her the best and if wishing can make it happen, then it will soon.

I was thirty myself and those 26 years went very fast..well in retrospect. (So save, save, save! Only Bush as let big corporations mess up the economy, that the middle class has already shrunk) I told her she was merely in transition and that her time will happen soon..get that resume out there. I wouldn't even wait until I finished my master's degree - just get it out there. Her sister has been offering her suggestions and checking things out for her. Her "younger" sister, who happens to be doing quit well for young self....and you know that adds to the pain.

My friend is wonderfully mature for her age. We are "friends". Sometimes that is painful for me...being the "intimate" person that I am. But, it's good one of us has sense. Actually, she and I are way past that questionable point and we'll never go there again because we already had the talk.

When we first met she kept saying I was "hot" and "quit the catch" . We hit it right off. She had dated much older women in the past. So, naturally, I wondered...but there really were no signs of sexual interest.. When brought it up there was a definite "No, what we have is priceless and I don't want to mess it up". She said.

Wow! very good way to put it! I was impressed. See she is quit cool! So, we are good friends. She said. "Besides I'm on med's and I don't even have the desire". Damn I' thinking what a waste... I didn't really mean for me; but, why miss out on that wonderful part of life which I am beginning to appreciate more and more ....

But you know, I think things mean much more to me at this point in my life. I cherish life. I have finally learned to cherish precious moments and enjoy the gifts of life and all the gifts in life we experience. I appreciate someone loving me; when I was much younger, I didn't "get" love. I didn't understand it and pushed it away. I ran from it. Funny, I wanted and needed love so bad, yet I ran from it...well, love form boys. If a woman was even the lease bit nice to me, or paid attention to me, I fell immediately. I was very shy. I must have looked like an idiot. I longed for sweet affection never received.

Frankly, I can't wait to die and come back and do it again. Only, I wish we could remember more..from past lives experiences. Oh I think we do to a degree but not enough. It sure would save of lot of time wasted on sorting things out, wouldn't it? Damn! I'm first beginning to live my life FOR ME; first now. I'm living for me and not society, my parents, the ignorant church and government. But, it's very hard to be gay. I envy "straight" people. It just seems so much easier...but, I'm a lesbian...it is where my heart and desires are..sex with men was NOTHING compared to my summer love of last year. She brought me to life, and what a precious gift! I miss her!

But here I am. ......for one thing there is practically no one out there for me. I'm 58, fit and feminine...that right there shoots my changes tremendously. There are no women for me out there....that are gay. Well, my ex last summer (34) and my friend say the same thing for their age category. Besides, if you are fem, how do you find each other. I mean if you blend in with the rest of the population and are not the obvious butch. Sorry, I just can't do butch..

I had and still have wonderful people in my life, but I am craving the sweet affection and intimacy of a woman. I so miss the loving touch of a woman..I had her last summer, but she is gone, out of my life now. I miss her so very much..I'm ancient history..trust me I know this even though our parting was not angry..only sorrowful and sad. I guess our time together was just meant to end..

I am a loving sensual sexual human being and there just isn't any denying it...and I've always been this way (well, except for a few years, when I turned that part of me off).

I hope nobody reads this that I know. I just like the feeling that someone somewhere might read it. Well, it's like talking to someone...always the possibly of being heard is out there; not like journaling off line and waiting for someone to find your back-up CD's or book journal to finally know what you were all about...

Namaste! I had a great work out rides this week and wonderful empowering yoga..I'm flying high!