I like spaces.msn.com/zimzoomz/

it's better I think. Anyway check it out.

I'm spending a quiet evening. I could have gone out tonight. I chose to be at home, hurting a little. I was with a happy couple last night...their mutual love was very apparent. It was very nice to see. In all reality, I'll never see that, because I'm too messed up; if someone is sweet to me and loving I'll mess it up and push them away; thinking they can do better and thinking I don't deserve it. I'm telling you, I am totally messed up. Is it just me, or is everyone else all messed up in their heads too? I think it's just me! I don't know love.

I always want something I can't have it seems and feels like I'm longing for something. I'm a mess.

I wouldn't be good in a relationship, if it bit me in the ass. Because I don't know good relationships. I do not know what makes a good relationship. I expect bad things and then they happen. I pushed her away because I loved her so much. I'll never get her back. It's done and she's gone. And nothing has changed since I was a kid. Amazing! So, I haven't learned what I put myself here to learn...whatever that is?

And my deepest loves have been with married straight women with children. Because they were sweet. I know that's why; because they were loving and sweet. I never knew that. I saw them, and I wanted them to hold me and love me. I'm lonely ever where I go..but you won't notice. Besides I have had years of practice. I just have to figure this out? I have to get past this and I will, it's just taking me a little longer then I thought it would.

My parents were strangers - angry strangers at that! I'll never forget when I was about nineteen I doubled dated with a married couple...my gosh! They were nice to each other! Polite and carried on nice conversations! And they had been married for a at least three years. I was amazed and envious. Envious because he had her and I didn't and never could. Envious because they had each other and I knew that would never happen for me. Envious because they were happy and not confused and lost and unloved. I just plain ole couldn't relate to the guy I was with. He must have thought I was from another planet. I just gave'm what they wanted...I knew it was just sex, not love but I got arms around me. I wished she could have given me love. I longed for her love. I have longed for that sweet, giving affectionate love all my life.... I don't think it's coming... besides time is running out.

I can't wait to come back and try it again. My mother will love me and I won't have this empty space where my heart should be.

Funny, how ya never get pass that....I keep trying... but it ain't happening... I don't look for it too much anymore; but that ache won't go away. I have since given up....it's just life. It's a fact of life. It ain't gotta happen for me in this lifetime. It's passed, the time is passed and it's done.

I have friends that I do things with.. I mean social things... and that will be the extent of it....because I know that if I didn't get that love when I needed it then, when I was little....it's too late now.

Funny, when I was very little, I pretended the nice ladies liked me and took care of me and held me. I daydreamed - all the time.

Funny how I still fall for the sweet straight ones... I must be out of my ever lov'n head. All the amount of therapy in the world isn't going to to fix this one.

I have since given up. I know that I need something that no one can give me... love and nurturing...it just ain't gonna happen - that loving, nurturing straight woman is married with children.

I've done good so far and I'll be fine... it's just a little hurdle I am in the process of clearing. Piece of cake!

I hear guys and gals talk of their loving relationships with their fathers and it's foreign to me. I mean foreign. I can't even imagine.

I am so envious.

I'm learning about other people, I think. I just don't feel the love.. I just don't get it. Because the only love I know is what I make up in my head, like I always did. I am so messed up!

Maybe if someone just held me for a long while... maybe? The doctor - just came up to me and held me....that never happened before. I felt her love. Of course, I was in love with her anyway....she was one of those loving sweet affectionate married straight women with children. But, she made me feel loved and it was very nice. I wished I could have stayed there forever...

I am such a mess!