A good day.

I had a great day.. it took me a while but I finally got my butt out doors.. to run the five miles to the gym; then swim for about forty minutes. It was fun. I just wish they had more swim lanes. If I was extremely good at swimming I won't care so much..but I'm not and I feel I'm going to get in the way of a good swimmer when I share the lane.

Well, I'll just have to get better at it. Today I was watching the "professionals" and they make it look so easy. .. I mean the breathing technique that goes along with free style swimming. When I turn my head back and open my mouth and breath in.. I don't really breath in.. I don't think. I need to work on this. Because after three strokes I have to roll a bit and do the side stroke untill I breath through my mouth good four or five times. So, I know I don't inhale when I turn my head to the side..I'm afraid I ask of inhaling water. So, I need to work on this.

Here is my goal: To be able to swim and look good at it; oh, and do that flip thing at the end and continue swimming.. it looks so cool. Especially when women do it. I can't help it.. I so love women.

I'm looking at older women in a different light as time goes on... and since (much to my surprise) I'm one of them. But, I'm not really! I guess I'm like the old lady who is 90 and lives on her on and is active and when she speaks of someone her age who is sickly she refers to them as "old". And says. "I don't like hanging out those old people". and it makes you chuckle.

I also knew a women who was in her 80's and volunteered at the hospital carting sick people back and forth in wheel chairs who were younger than her. I just thought of another couple well into their 80's who still do meals on wheels twice a week.

So far I am not doing any volunteer stuff; but, I well probably in time. I just need to take of myself right now. Besides it's nice but it's not a requirement. We are here to be happy and take care of ourselves. Didn't you know that! It's ignorant religion that makes us think we have to sacrifice ourselves for everyone else's happiness.

Can't you tell that I was rised Catholic. Oh my god! My happiness wasn't to come until I died and went to heaven; but, first I had to sacrifice my happiness and worth here on earth. Anyway, it was the idea I got from the church and my mother. Life was hell! And it really was.. my childhood was very painful! God, these people were unhappy, and cold, and angry and just down right mean.. and they tried to verbally, (mostly) ripe you apart every chance they got. It was awful.

And this crap tarnished you for life.. everyone else was better. I was meant to serve. I knew for sure I was meant to make my date (boy) look good, good wiser, appear smarter and he got to drive the damn car. I said "yes" to every idea and made it sound like it was a great one.

Do you know how many times I was glad the date was over? Why did I even go? I was programmed to be flattered when a boy asked me out. Of all people to ask out.. the one who is least interested. I never flirted.. I didn't care! I must have been some sort of challenge or something. Oh how my heart ached for her.... I was always so in love with some girl.. ...damn my heart ached..... most of my life.. because I knew in my heart it could never be.

I thought that too, I was the only one like this... I never ever discussed my strong feelings for women.. ever. Not with her! Not with anyone else. My brother put a lid on that when I was a kid....and corrected me! "Boy, talk like that, not girls"! When I exclaimed that "she was so cute". I was crushed.. doomed from the very start! God, life hurt.. so bad!

I was depressed. So I settled. I loved her.. she never knew. Things got more tough when I began to have sex with men. I wanted to touch her like he touched me. There was nothing in it for me.. with a boy.. he had everything.. I had nothing. I could only receive.. not give! Of course, guys caught on got bored I guess.... and moved on.

I could only be her best friend. And things were good when she dated jerks.. and I knew they were jerks.. but then she needed me more.. for a shoulder to cry on.. my heart ached.

But, sooner or later all my girlfriends paired off. I was getting sick of them talking about "him" all the time anyway. What really hurt real bad was when they were finally in a good relationship (or so they thought.. well some were for them) they would say. "Gee, we wish you would fine someone.. we want you to be happy too!"

Do you know that I know a young lesbian couple.. who about expressed the same sentiments. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship.. okay, it was two years or more ago. But, I never had my 20's or 30's with young women... and those wonderful, beautiful bodies. Makes my heart ache. Of course I got crushes on younger, way younger women. Don't worry and used my head and didn't make a total ass of myself. Well, two times.. I was in my fifties, they were in their thirties! You know .. sometimes .. the runner stumbles!

But, I'm getting my head screwed on "more" correctly now I think. I have a lover who is a year older than I am.... and it's very nice... Very!

I can't help but wonder and miss the good doctor from time to time. For some reason I have been thinking a lot about her lately. I wish she could just wrap her arms around me and heal my heart (even if just for a minute) like she did that beautiful sunny fall day in September in 2004. I so felt her love that day. She saved my life! I miss her! I wish I had that feeling back once again.. that connected heart-to-heart feeling when she held me.. I can't explain it. I think the universe sent an angel that day to heal me.. to love me. God I miss her!

Did you ever think something or someone in your life was totally impossible? But, remember that when you were with her..she was very easy to be with. I ended her sentences and helped her think of things.. that I knew she wanted to mention. I know it sounds very strange. It just might have been my imagination or my desperation that made we think we connected somehow.. maybe spiritually? I don't know.

All I know is that I can't shake this. But, when I watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" I see that we can perpetuate a thought or feeling because when we think of something the synapses (electrical message firing between cells) remembers... that path gets built and in order for me to stop the pattern from repeating over and over again. I need to "change the subject" so to speak whenever I have thoughts of her. It's tough, especially when thoughts of her are a comfort to me.. it's very tough.

Like it was when I was a kid; daydreaming about "her" a wonderful woman in my life.. someone who was kind to me usually; or cute, was comforting to me and gave me a sense of hope.. it was the love for me that I created for myself. I know that wonderful woman in my dreams loved me.. and wanted to hug and comfort me... I knew that.. because.. they had been nice to me.

So, I know exactly why I fell so in love with the doctor.. she was cute and very kind and had a wonderful sweet way about her...he loved me.. if only for that moment.. she loved me.. and that day when I needed to be loved so much.. I felt her love.

I had been thinking about her for months.. all summer. Hard as I tried, I couldn't shake thoughts of her.

Bottom line.. something was wrong with my life and I wasn't getting my needs met. My family was driving me insane.. I hide that I was retired for a whole year. And truth be told, for the first time in my life.. I have time to relax and think and daydream. I felt sexual once again, that the stress from working such a hectic job was gone now.

So bottom line my life took on a major change... some people get sick for change.. I fell in love. But, I ended the long term relationship, moved to another state, found a 34 year old to date and have sex with and ditched my so-called family. Yes, major changes! I was head-over-heels for that 34 year old too. Oh god it was magical.. pure magic! And I guess what happened to me was that I allowed myself to be myself and not allow other people to influence me.. Oh yes, I was in therapy once again.. I had been through the years because of the Catholic guilt thing and feeling that I had to please everyone but myself. It took me three therapist and many years to come to the point where I just ditched them all... I am important now!

I think everyone should go off the deep end once in a while.. not just mid life crisis.. maybe on a regular basis.. life is to explore.. everything in it and about yourself.

Now, I'm back to being me.. totally.