Remembering

I now recall that my best years were the years in my mid-thirties that I finally got into my self and began exercising and bicycling. You see, I had finally given up on loving women and dating men. Life in that department was miserable for me. And my mother always taught me to "live my life for others; that others were more important than me. And that if I did what others wanted they would love me". Yes, I was a confused mess! So in love with a woman and yet dating men. I loved women and I wanted women. But, not until my forties did any of that ever come about.

So, my best moments were those in my thirties when I finally did for myself and actually, didn't break my neck to be loved - by anyone. By then I thought "fuck 'em" and that none of that shit was going to work out anyway so I'll just be alone and into myself.

Many people admired me for the wonderful physical shape I was in then.. and I must say "now". I look very good now - for pushing 60. And I love it! I can't wait until next September 24th when I turn 60. I will be the best I can be. This is my year to really work on myself in the way of health and nutrition and working out. Speaking of which, it is 6:00 AM and in the 50's. Not bad for January 5th., so I think I'll rest for a bit and let the slice of pizza I just ate settle then get up and run to the gym, swim and work out then run back.

Yes, I am alone now in my life. I do have a lover and surprisingly it is what I wanted, and of course, due to the power of intention, I got her in my life. The relationship works for both of us. We see each other maybe once a week and other times go our own way. I have many friends I hang with so I'm liking this arrangement. Well, maybe (but not really) I would like a real relationship but right now this is working for me and the sex is wonderful and regular. And once more, no on really need know. Well you all do now; but, then I don't really know you - do I?

Yes, I do believe that this could be the best time of my life! I am free to be me and it doesn't get any better than that! Well, I was in a relationship for fifteen years and she was a little like my mother - only in the relationship. Not now! Now we are great friends. And I need to call her because in all honesty after a few days I miss her. She is one person whom I know will be totally honest with me and admired my singing and guitar playing (which I need to practice today - since I skipped yesterday). I think we all need someone in my life who can tell it to us as it is and she does. She is happy too now and very active socially. She has a long distance girlfriend whom she talks to every day.

I have a dear sweet friend whom I guess is at the right "tight relationship" stage. Or maybe she always will be. Maybe she won't lose herself in a relationship like I did. I totally lost myself and became more like my partner in appearance and sex within myself, was turned off.

After fifteen years and quiting my stressful job I had more time to think and feel and therefore fell in love with the most wonderful doctor, my partner's doctor. Yes, I made a big ass of myself but she was wonderfully sweet about it and I felt so loved - she saved my life! I will always love here!

She was my vessel to freedom and a new exciting wonderful "myself" life. I am so into me and so excited about life now. It's wonderful! So, I keep telling my "coupled" friends that I want to meet someone and yes, maybe I do but, she and I will have to be very separate unless we are extremely alike and I am head-over-heels in love with her.

New Year's even I asked a girl to dance and I'm sure now that I think about her, she is thinking about me. You see, she didn't dance with me at the time because she was busy and said get back with me later. But, I've used that line too. Anyway, she answered rather quickly like a reflect. I have a funny feeling I will see her at the usual place this Sunday. Or maybe I'll go Friday evening? But I doubt it. I need to save money. It's not pass me to go alone to the bar..hell they're all family right? Actually, most women there are actually pretty cool and casual and feminine. I love feminine! And I love the new dance music! I love it!

So, back to bed I go just for awhile then, I'll get up and do my running, swimming and working out thing.. before I meet up with my wonderful friends this evening.

Life is good! And yes, sometimes filled with jerks. Like this one woman who just turned 50 and it must have messed her up because she kept dragging me into her misery by making comments about my age all the time. Fuck you I thought and keep me out of your weak emotional problems. It got sickening. I'm glad I don't see her much anymore. What an emotional drag! And keep me out of your misery attack. One thing about belonging to a social group the "natives" come and go. There is always a new rollover in personalities. Most people just sign up "to meet" someone then you never see them again. Well, I think personally, that is insulting! I feel so used! Well, you cares... on with my day!