I'm off for a run

but the longer I hesitate the more windy and cloudy it is getting out there and it's only 32 degrees. Do I dare venture out! I need too!

So, I'm writing just a few words. It's ten already I need to get going. But, I had to write. The woman I am seeing is married plus now off to another state for a very short vacation to an event, with her old girlfriend of ten years.

I'm sure the former girlfriends' friends are livid; because they tired to fix her up with me. But, there was no chemistry and I do believe the former girlfriend still had her mind on the one I'm seeing now - it's an arrangement, we have. A usually weekly arrangement.

I need to not hang around my ex, because I feel tied to the group when I'm out with them. I need to go out on my own in the evenings and try to meet someone. The universe will fix me up. Oh, I just waster fifty bucks on the tangle wire joke. I don't think any of those women actually exist or when their three month membership runs out, tangle wire never takes them off..they these women are not checking or getting smiles that you send them. Or they just are too rude and not response. The last woman was my age and even looked about like me..guess she had no manners.

So, I will venture out of my own and see what happens. Meeting people through people doesn't work. They say they will introduce you; But most people are only looking out for themselves and soon forget about making that effort to match you up with some. Or, I just have minimum faith in people.

I miss the good doctor from two years back. I miss the love I felt that moment when she held me close and I needed that so much. I know she was just being kind and felt my pain. But, it felt so much like love to me; well, as much as I know love. Sometimes, I just don't get the whole process. Sometimes my heart just aches. Sometimes I think if only I would have received loved and felt loved as a kid then I could have went about all of this better. I just don't get it!

I only know that I love the sex my occasional lover (this is not the doctor) and I have and I desperately need the closeness when we are together. But, I feel that I don't want to date her.

Sometimes I dream about the good doctor and just want to escape back into her arms. I guess I just don't know what I want. I want the good doctor to hold me - forever! And just be in that loving state - forever. Comforted and warm; protected and loved. It was wonderful! It was as if the whole universe of spirit guides were holding me close and safe and they actually loved me. It was amazing! Sometimes I wonder why I let her know that I loved her..why? I blew it for myself. But, my spirit guide at the time strongly urged me to let her know by indicating that it was okay to let her know. It was a definite positive message that I got.

I had strong feelings when I signed up for the race and made an effort by myself to see and meet up again with the woman that I see occasionally now, usually once a week. So, I know that too was meant to be. I felt it coming months before hand. Now, I need more signs from the universe about an up and coming sweet relationship; because I know if I want it bad enough it will happen (it's the power of intention - we all have the power).

Because I think I am ready for a loving, sweet, warm relationship. But, she must be very warm and loving and affectionate and very sexual. She must be - it's what I need!

Recently, the universe sent me a love but she was much too young (because in my heart I wanted my youth (that I never lived as a lesbian - back). So for the longest time I loved her and had sex with someone else (my occasional lover). Not good! So, now I need both together.. So, universe, keep trying! And I need her to be cute and desirable. Keep trying! Feminine! Don't forget feminine! You know not butch.. I can't take butch! And she needs to want me and love me too. I don't think I have ever prayed for someone to actually "love" me. I only prayed for someone for me to love.

Okay universe, you go on now, and set something up and I'll just sit back and wait for that strong urge to move me on. The last few times magical moments happened in my life the weather was beautiful. But, it's winter now, so I don't necessarily need the weather to be beautiful but I know that it will be when it happens. I will know because I will have power feelings and not be afraid to talk to her or be with her and I will happen soon I know.

I need love and have too much love to give to be sitting on the sidelines. At the zero point level or quantum point level we are all connected. I think that is why I am having this longing. I miss my other part...my soul mate. I guess they say that for some reason.

Well, off I go for my run; I better run, I just had two Accel Gel's and I need to work them off somehow. Wish me luck! I plan to run to the gym , swim, work-out and then run back home.

It's later in the evening now about 8:00 PM. I did run to the gym, swam for 45 minutes then ran another way home by two stops that I had to make. I feel good! Energized. Was it the workout or the total of three Accel Gel packs I had. And it was all I had until 3:00 PM when I finally got around to eating real food today.

Hey, I look good and I am getting younger every day..remember we are in control of our experiences while we are here on earth, visiting. I can' t wait until September when I turn 60. I will be at my best! I will be better than every physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually and very youthful without plastic surgery! Just watch me!

I do the research and I take the supplements and vitamins recommended for youthfulness and longevity! I will be working extra hard to eat healthy this year so I will be my best!