A Walk Around the Lake

I was walking with my friend today around the lake. She was in a good mood; the first time after her breakup of a seven year relationship. She said. "You now I think I like being alone. I can come and go when I want and I can be myself without worrying about how it affects the other person. And I no longer had to worry about 'the look' from across the room like why are you do that?"

Yes, there are certain advantages about being single. I loved alone until I was about forty and then I was in a fifteen year relationship. Which really was okay; but, the time we needed to be together had just come to an end.

So, I'm making my own decision and I'm keeping into myself. I'm a little afraid of another relationship; afraid I'll lose myself.

The long term relationship was my first. I was trying to fine my niche in life. It was time! Soon after we got together I cropped my hair and start buying men's clothes? I have no idea what came over me. I still exercise soon. I felt "out of my element". Just like a kid, or being with men, I gave away my power. I thought love meant assimilation and leaving the authentic me behind.

I was uncomfortable in my own skin. When I look at pictures of me, balded, heavier, and in men's loose fitting clothes. I think. "Who is that?"

Now I'm back to being me. I'm slender, more feminine, much longer hair. and sporting women's boots. I even keep my toe nails painted. Nothing but women's clothes for me. I'm back! And I'm cute. With all the running, working-out, yoga, bicycling and dancing.. I'm very slender and I think pretty dang nice!

Anyway, I'm home! I care about my ex and all my friends. I am amazed at the young group of lesbians that I meet. They are feminine! It makes my heart ache to think how much I have missed throughout the years. It makes me sad. I'm grateful that young people have so much more social support in their communities and families. A lesbian need not be butch in men's clothes and over weight. It is just not necessary! Don't ask me why for years lesbians thought they have to roll play. This would make Bush happy: One man and one woman in every marriage! It kills me when I see a suite and a dress in a lesbian wedding picture. Jesus, I just spent how many years dating men? If I still wanted a man I would have married one of them. I want a woman! A warm, loving, sweet, with nothing to proud, no super ego to sport, woman. A feminine woman. A natural!

I know they exist because my younger friends are just like that and I love it! I do realize that there are "degrees" of homosexuality. It's a spectrum; and I understand that clearly. I don't care about the spectrum I want a woman.

They say there is power in intention. Well, I asked (actually begged) the universe for help me have sex. So, that worked out.

Now, I wouldn't mind falling head-over-heels in love with a warm, loving, sweet, giving and feminine woman like the "good doctor" - oh how I miss her so much at times and her arms around me.

So let's see what the power of intention has in store for me now. Because, yes, I am ready for a relationship of mutual respect and love; yet I can keep on running, swimming and whatever I enjoy doing during the day. Writing. I want to write more. I don't need to be alone in life to to these things; I just need a wonderful person whom I love and she loves me and honors my abilities and things I love to do as I will her. I will love her so very much and love to make love to her. I want her to be very easy to be with. She will be someone who let's me be me. She won't be bossy or demanding. She'll be thoughtful and loving and nurturing. I can't wait! Actually, I think I met her the other evening and I think I'll see her again this weekend with the L-word preview coming up. Too cool! I'm excited.

Life is fun! Be careful what you wish for; because wishing is "power of intention" and you may just get what you want and actually, really need. I believe the universe wants to help us and make us happy. We just have to free our minds and allow happiness and love to happen. I firmly believe this..