Keeping You Secret..

Where I had just blogged a least over a thousand words and then I did something that said. "are you sure you want to move away from this page?" I said. "No!" and the whole thing disappeared anyway!

So, you know, you just can't get the moments back..and I was writing so well and pouring out thoughts on endless streams..now too the environment has changed. My butt got sour from sitting on that hard dining room chair.. the emotion moved on.. my teas got cold and those little sugar bear crackers are all gone!

So, I'll tried to get it back.. somewhat. "Keeping you Secret" is a movie DVD I saw at Amazon about two high school girls falling in love and trying to keep it secret. I didn't watch it. I don't want to because it would be too depressing. Because, I had secret crushes on girls too in high school but even secret to them. God, my heart ached. And I was so shy when I spoke to them and my brian was numb.

Well, life didn't change much for me in that department until I was forty something; early forties. I came out and hook up with a woman at work and neither one of us could say the "L" word (lesbian) for the longest time. Our friends were butch! I wasn't ready for that. You see for years I had had crushes on cute, feminine striaght girls. Or we thought we were straight; anyway, none of us explored to fine out. We really never talked about it. Or if we did it was a general discussing put down of those low lifes.

So I moved from the straight feminine world to the lesbian heavy butch world and that was secretly a little disturbing to me. I think I was born before my time. I was born way too soon. I love the young women now who dress and look like everyone else but they are lesbians. It's fabulous. I think I love them all. It makes me want to die before too long so I can come back and get what I missed out on. And no I do not want to come back heterosexual! No way! I want to come back a lesbian only live my crushes next time and for sure not keep her secret to her or anyone else.

I'm trying to remember what I was writing about before I accidently deleted it all. Oh, all my loves maybe? My ex's one year long distance girlfriend is finally going to move up here and live with her. I was a little sad when I heard that thinking it pushes me down the rungs of the ladder. But, I know she and I will always be close. I like her girlfriend so it will be cool and trust me my ex is the domineering factor. She will be herself and be true to herself.

I have many loves, my ex, my lover, my very young woman friend whom I adore. She is like the high light of my life. She is precious to me. I hope we get to spend some one on one time together soon. Maybe we will be able to run together tomorrow evening.. just she and I. I miss our one on one time together. One evening she and I talked for nearly an hour on the phone... my pay per call phone bill - rather high! Talking to my young love for nearly an hour.. just her and I...priceless! Absolutely priceless! She has a girlfriend now which I think makes things more comfortable between us... Or is it all just me? No, she and I click! She so much reminds me of myself at her age..just the things that stand out to her..like the vacuum cleaner trail left on carpets. God, I love her.. that use to be a thing with me too... don't ask me why? Tell was something else too that escapes me at the moment.. but she so reminds me of myself. Oh, wanting to be somewhere on time. Cutting loose and dancing and drinking and having fun. Sometimes I wonder if she misses her independence. She and I are ourselves when we are together....running or chatting.. talking a mile a minute.

Anyway, she is priceless. Is she priceless because I can't have her...no ....she is just priceless! Real loving of someone is loving them even though you know in your heart they will never or may never love you like you love them. People never love equally...do they? See, I guess I judge love by always thinking of the other person.. always considering the other person's feelings and needs and being openly affectionate. When I'm with her sometimes I just have to casually put my arms around her and draw her close and kiss her head. My heart makes me do that.

The other day when my lover was here she was getting dressed and looked so good in the black..she really has a nice shape... very nice. I had to put my arms around her and told her that I could just lay her back down on the bed again..we had to go.. she had to go though. Things are limited there.. and in a way very good that they are. Now if only I could tie the two together - sex and love and put them into the same woman....hello universe! This is a request!!! I want to be in love, very much so and have sex with her too! Sex and heart aching love that I feel need to be in one and same person in one and the same relationship...I guess I have to spell everything out. Either the young woman or the good doctor are in my heart.. most of the time... both are out of reach. Now, see how I just created my future. I love them both but then I just told the universe that both are out of reach. Personally, neither or out of reach.... do I limit myself? Do I race the engines and then slam the brakes on? Stop! Go! Yes! No! No wonder the universe doesn't know what to do with me.

You have to have an open mind.. there is no age to love only social norms (and they must be consenting adults).. and it takes an abnormal action to create social change... so I read in "abnormal psychology" class. There is no change without activist moving out of the realm of the norm.

But, I do know that there was something about my lover before she and I ever got together.. it was like last summer I knew already in the slance of an eye.. she was with her ex at the parade...later than month I met her ex on line and we got together. She sure did not try to woo me. It seemed her friends were more determined than she to hook us up. She's attractive.. but she didn't strike me right. She was surely not into me. I think by photos I had my expectations set totally differently. No clickes there. I like her and felt she was troubled somehow.. I learned that evening who her ex was.. .. now my lover.

So, I guess the universe knew that I would be hooking up with her ex about four months later and we did. Sometimes I have to attend things by myself even when no one else is making plans to join me. And that is how it was for the event. It was magical! The whole day was magical and she and I hooking up just make it that more magical! It was a beautiful day... most of my universal created magical days are on beautiful clear days.. after I had prayed to make them magical.

I want this weekend to be magical with my young friend. I want it to feel very magical, mystical and truly special. Just her and I and our hearts filled with love.