I don't get it!

I don't get my life. All my life, since I was a kid, I longed to be loved; to love and be loved. And then I finally gave up and lived in a dream world of make believe love.

And guess what? Living in a make believe dream world, is still the way I love. In the 80's I loved her so much. In a straight world I loved her so much and ached for her; but knew I couldn't have her in my life as a lover. She did not have a clue!

Some nights after a few drinks, I would come home alone and kick the furniture and knelt down because my heart ached so much I could stand up and pleaded to die. And asked the universe? "Why do I have to live like this?" And asked. "Can't I just die?" and I meant it and still do when I come home half crocked!

It seems the whole world of love goes on without me. I'm on the outside looking in! I loved Nancy in the 80's and could not have her because of religious and social laws. I gave up in the 90's and did have someone. I still love her as my best friend. So now I am lost again. Something was missing about three years ago when I ended the long term relationship. I had to end it because I fell in love with a wonderful person.

And I loved her so much. But, I couldn't have her either. But she held me in her arms in the fall of 2004 I felt so loved. It felt wonderful! But then I couldn't have her either.

I had a summer love in 2005. I loved her and felt loved it was wonderful. But when I got comfortable in the relationship it was sour.

Maybe it's me. I never felt loved as a kid either. Is that it? Do you have to feel loved as a kid in order to receive love and go about getting loved as an adult. I don't know because I don't understand why everyone around me has love and I don't. I don't get it! I don't want to live anymore in fact I beg to die. I get like this after I have about four fast margaritas. But, it is sickening..everyone with partner and me alone. Have you seen women my age? And no younger woman will ever date up in age.. why? So, I'm doomed and destined to be alone.

But, I'm so good at living on nothing and above it all. Last night I knew just when to leave the bar after so many drinks and the weather growing progressively worse. I have a built in survival kit I think. Kick me in the gut and knock me down and I'll get up stronger and better than before!

I take care of my body and it takes care of me. My strong, I'm hot and I'm above a lot. I'm better than most and I won't come down. I have honor and intregity and I'm a very decent person.

But it doesn't matter! It seems love is not for me. In the 80's a young woman named Nancy was straight but I fell in love with her. In retrospect - thank god she was straight; because, she was bossy just like my mother! I was her good friend. She loved me as a friend. I was in agony. I came home at night drunk and kicked the furniture and asked god to take me. I don't want to live like this anymore.

Now in 2007 I see that nothing has changed. I fall in love with the wrong people. All of my friends are in relationships and I want to die. I'm cute and I don't get it. (It's the next day) actually, I don't want to die. Maybe I am happy alone? But, a sweet, feminine, loving lover would be wonderful. I don't mean extreme feminine. I just mean women who walk like and wear men's clothing.. need not apply.

In summary. In the 80's I dated men. Boy, did they get cheated because I could only received but had nothing to give. Then in the fall of 2004, I fell in love with my partner's doctor and I couldn't have her. My partner and I are good friends but not lovers. I fell so in love with a 35 year old in the summer of 2005 who I think loved me.. but I think from the start she meant for the relationship to be temporary so I always expect the other shoe to drop.

I miss the good doctor. She loved me. And I needed that love so much. I miss her terribly. I wish she could hold me because I am confused about what is going on in my life. Sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I don't want a relationship. Or, do I want it very badly. Either way, I'm screwed.

I wonder why I love a very young woman so much. I love her! Another one I can't have. And she has someone anyway.

I don't understand why I am always; all my life on the outside looking in. I don't get it? I beg for god to help me. I beg for god to end my life. I can't take this anymore. I'm a good person. I'm a kind person. Is it that I don't know how to approach someone, or how to love someone, or how to receove love. I don't know. It's all confusing to me.

All I know is that I don't want to live anymore. I cried on the way driving home in the snowy weather down the snow packed highway. But, I knew that I and my car would make it home just fine. I always have a strength of survival. I am so strong that I hate it. Why can't I just be loved?

I never complain and suffer in silence. My heart aches for love yet I don't know how to go about it. I never complain. I learned from an early age no one wants to hear complaints. So I keep silent. My heart hurts.

All I want is for the good doctor to hold me in her arms like she did that one time. If only she could hold me I would feel better.

I don't get love. I'm so lost. I never meant to be lost and it's probably why I put on a good face. I see couples who are kind and sweet and talk to each other and love each other and hold each other. I never had that in my fifteen year relationship. We were more like friends. I love her still.. as a friend. She is my family. We are close but we were never affectionate.

I'm so confused I want to die and beg to die. I begged in the 80's, in my forced straight days, and I begged in 2004 and now I beg in 2007 to die. Hey! I've had fucking enought!

I don't understand? Is it me? Do I not know how to go about getting love into my life.. everyone fucking does.. why not me? I want to get off of this fucking merry-go-round that is not doing me any good! When is god and the universe going to get the message that I have had fucking enough of this life. My childhood was shit. My young adulthood was shit because I was a lesbian having to act like a fucking straight woman. Oh yes I could recieve but I could never give. And finally in my fucking 50's I have sweet sex with a woman and then fucking discover the wonderful fucking miracle I missed out on. How do you think that made me feel! It's wonderful to make love to a woman. It turns me on to make love to a woman. It never turned me on to make love to a man... I only received. Why "she" get turned on I get so turned on.. not with men. And to think I discovered this in my fucking 50's. I'm pissed! Of course I"m pissed. You would be too if you wasted half your life pretending to be something you are not. Damn, church! Damn Media! Damn Republicans!

But, oh let's make sure we please the church and everyone else like my manipulating, controlling mother. I was taught everyone else is more important than myself. Every other person's thought is more important than mine. Every other person's life is more important than mine.

Life sucks and I'm ready to get off this merry to round! You live it! You stay here! I want out!

I had four margaritas in a lesbian bar with male cross dressers on stage. Does that make sense to you! What the do I care about male cross dressers with breast implants? Why aren't they at a gay bar? One visual swipe around the joint and I knew there was no one there for me. Just what planet have I come from? I have pride! Besides no one approches me anyway!

I think it was time to get out of the long term relationship when I did. I am glad she and I remain friends. I don't understand what happened to me.. somehow or another I wasn't getting the love I needed otherwise I wouldn't have fallen head-over-heels in love with her OB/GYN and once more I still love the doctor.. or my loving memories of the doctor! And once more I love that young woman I have no right to love.

Do you know how much that is killing me? Why do I love so inappropriately? Why? I don't understand. All I know is that I want to get off this merry-go-round.

And this evening a woman whom I haven't seen for a while and I liked her and she and I could talk easily. And in the course of a conversation I told her she was my type about ten months ago. But, she is with a woman now who holds no candle to me. Truth be told, I am much cuter! But, hey, I'm not butch! Maybe half the lesbians in the world love butch woman. I don't! I have had enough men in my life to last forever! I don't need a woman who looks and acts like a man.

So, I have had enough. I do not speak to my family; none of my relatives. Trust me, I would rather die! Through the course of my life they have at one time or another treated me like shit. So, without a word or a dispute, I disappeared and I hope I never see them again. I would rather die! They caused me most of my mistery through my life.. so good riddance to them!

All I know is that it is hard to have so much common sense and so much intuition as to know when to leave and what good route to take and just want to do and the confidence to always get along! And it's always when I want to die the most.

So you see I am conflected. I'm strong, I'm like this wonderful powerful spirit yet I cannot find love? And sometimes I just want to be held so bad... or I want to hold that sweet lovable, darling creature and I can't. Why do I fall in love with women that are so far out of reach for me? Tell me?

I guess I just don't know love? I never felt loved at home when I was a kid.. so I do I know how to go about showing affection and going after someone and telling them how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I'm afraid of rejection. Oh, let's just be realistic.. my time has passed. I don't know what I might have intended for myself or just what the universe might have intended for me..certainly not love. Anyway, it's too late.

I gues this lifeteime was meant to be one with out love and I have no control over it. They said we control our realities; our environments.. not so. Trust me I would have been an acting lesbians since 14 if that were the case. Why has the unvierse chosen to hurt my heart so and all of my life.

I would rather be dead...yet the universe keeps me around. I say don't piss me off.. at least help me to understand the plan you have in store for me. Why do you make my heart hurt so. I want off this fucking merry-go-round.....please! I have had enought! You dangle love in front of me. I have had enough! I have good pure love in my heart.. yet my fucking life with my fucking family has been so fucking screwed up that I have no trust.. I wouldn't know how to go about loving someone or receiving love from someone... I am fucking fucked! Thanks alot! Asshole! Mother fuckers, I hope you all are mother fucking happy@!