Artsy

It's Saturday morning and in a few minutes I need to leave and drive about 20 minutes to a nearby college to meet with an art group of mostly older people.

Why do they seem so much older than me? My thinking I guess, or theirs. I feel in my forties and hopefully look it good. (Hm..just saw a runner go by..that could have been me if I would have gotten up and out sooner. Well, too late now. I did do some yoga poses). Anyway, it is their mind set I believe that makes them appear older. Old, married, straight, grandkids, the men are kidders and joke around like I'm sure they have all their lives. Entertaining.

They probably don't have a clue about me...gay as can be. I've never really shared my life or feelings generally speaking. Well, I'm different. I'm an abolination. A sinner of the church.

Religion and the church has made my life miserable! So my life explodes in bursts. I tell a doctor I love her and make an ass of myself. Worse than that, I still love her. I just want to hold her heart close to mind.

Sounds sick? Any religion commends it; but war is okay to gain more religious, political, economic, territory, or oil. Then war and the murdering, dismembering, and rape is okay in the name of the church.

And I'm ashamed for loving her? Couldn't look her in the eye. I knew it was so wrong. If I wouldn't be gay I could have handled it differly. While. I never should have done what I did. I never bothers; it never occured to me to check out her status. I was dying. I never should have done that to her. She hurt for me (cause I'm an idiot!).

I (don't say pray) send powerful spiritual energy her way and my love. I believe that at the time I was on so kind of spiritual mission for another reason in 2004-2005 (that time frame) coming to a peak in 2006-2007. And now I linger. My love for her lingers and I have no idea why.

Oh and again to appease me or drive me more crazy I see tib bits on her on TV...just recently. And I never watch the evening news at five on five. But I looked up and there she was. But more serious and more worn. Her eyes lost some shine. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. I still love her. I my head I picture her - when I picture her - see her - and that is often I see her the way she is now. And my heart aches. Odd how that feeling lingers long after the mission that I was on was, I believe, accomplished.

I'm going to tell the story one more time. I believe that since I went and spoke with a channeled spirit, Ezekiel, that a deceased soul saw that and took opportunity of that to try to be reunited with her also deceased partner of 30 years (on earth