Hey? Am I Brianless?

Well, you would think that I just crawled out from under a rock. It appears either she wants to incorporate me into her family, rub it in, or is just proud of them. What am I some side show. Yes, a group picture, one even including her husband. Big picture - it filled the whole laptop screen. Hello! Husband here - over here. Well, she brought two CD's supposedly with lesbians on both of them, of us, and friends and some of our vacation (she and I - AZ). Anyway, the beginning of both was I thought - confidently with lots of (her) family members.

It's the first time I've seen her after our vacation. She's been sick. And then she brings "the" pictures - with the big, round face, husband. Think I went to high school with him? This is too much for me.

What am I doing? Am I crazy? Why should she have the best of both worlds? It's odd isn't it. They never had kids together - both had two of their own. The kids are in their thirties now.

Have I been under a rock. No wonder I'm having problems coming (but not on vacation). She tried. I guess she'll never put two and two together. You think? That the pictures just might have had their effects?

Well, I always had it in my mind that I would continue this until vacation. I've never been to AZ. Guess I could have gone alone or with someone else. But, adding sex to the itinerary makes it all the more exciting. It was great there...especially after the run on Sunday. Well, I guess I had the run on my mind. I think I am being "very used" and it's catching up with me emotionally and mentally in a subconscious way. Really, I don't care. It just makes me sad to think that's it all - going away and that I am so rotten in relationships.

First of all I'm ill suited to anyone. I'm not your typical mid aged lesbian. I'm just not. I must say that I know a hot, near fifty, lesbian. She looks straight - totally fem. Hot! It gives me hope. I tend to fall in love with the unobtainable. So, I'm not really looking forward to do without. I will simply go crazy and lose my mind. I need help. It's how I met up with her. It was my idea, the afternoon delight thing. For all this time it was fine. Our relationship is limited, very limited.

If I was very in love with her, it wouldn't matter. It would hurt; but I would go on seeing her because love being what it it - I could I help it.

Life is easier when you are not in love when you are with someone. I think the one who loves the less has more power and control in the relationship.

Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's late. I should go to sleep. Guess I am a little upset. I've been eating popcorn, drinking soda and now coffee. All the above will be bothering me when I even think of lying down.

Oh well, I'll think of someone else. This one I do love. So magically! Dreaming of her comforts me! She comforts me....just the thought of her. Oh well!

I won't be sleeping long anyway tonight. The acid in this coffee will work on my stomach after about two hours and I'll be up. Think I'll draw tomorrow with the art groups instead of running with another "run" group. I need my solitude to sort things out right now.

Yes, I'm getting sleepy. I ran for an hour this morning..so probably ran close to six miles. I really needed to run. My mind was jumping all over the place. Running settles me down. I love it. It puts all in prespective. Oh, I'm not fast by any means. If I could knot off a few pounds (five) between now and April 6th for the downtown city - half marathon. Wish me luck. Oh, I'll be fine.

I'd like to take the time now to thank the universe for all of my many blessings. I know they
are watching out for my best interest. I thank the universe for my youthfulness, good health, flexibility... and so much more.. my safety too.