Symptoms: My response is very, very slow and I can not connect to Microsoft Internet Explorer...at home.. here at Panera's I can just fine. It's not my laptop. Really it's not my Iphone because I have it on my belt and I just used it too while logged in here at the Bread Co.,
I'll see. I'll keep checking. I'm scattered today. What else is new? I've lost weight..I like that. But I'm undecided feeling. In a way I miss M. In a way I don't. Face it. I miss the touch of a woman. I'm depressed.
Oh I'll see her tomorrow. But there's no mystery, no fire, no super longing. She's a little too "butch" for me. Not only in appearance. (it's true about butch in the street, fem in the sheets though - which makes things even more confusing - be glad you're straight!)
Conversations are hard. She says little - only to talk about what she does and her life experiences. There is really no fun, sweet interaction. She's not engaging or I"m not. I have no idea. But sometimes being with someone when you feel that way can be easier.
Oh I don't know. I miss the good doctor - or I think I do. She's my grounding point. I think and dream of her - she warms my heart. Odd isn't it! I"m odd!
Hey, it's the way I was raised. All the love I received then was in daydreams....my escape. staring out the window - in another world. Or the otherside - the one I left behind. Or I was missing something I couldn't get - or never had....warmth and love. Just to be held - close.....so enters the good doctor into my life. She saved my life. I was slipping out of a relationship and slipping out of life. I angered her I know. That's common for gay people...we anger people...because we don't understand ourselves...much less someone else. She was insulted I'm sure. I hurt her heart! Mine was bleeding out onto the floor..rupturing. I think spiritually now, she and I, are bonded together by heartache. Or I"m really losing my mind. I feel her. I actually have the audacity to say I think she feels me at times....my spirit. I think we have a spiritual connection somehow. Sometimes magical moments can last for life times. So maybe!
I know at one point several months ago, in the fall. She and a freind were talking about me...during that time; around that time. I don't know the exact dates, because I was not aware my friend was meeting with the good doctor. But, I heard later... that I came up in the casual converations. And after hearing this... no wonder I thought. That I keep thinking about her...she's on my mind when I wake up, during the day, when I go to sleep. No wonder...I guess I was on her mind.. You know in the spirit world there is no age, gender, time...only being. Only a spiritual presence.
But, I can tell you right now that I"m not on a spiriutal mission at the moment. I don't feel that I am. No missions going on right now. I could use one. I could use some distractions. At least a path towards sex, love and adventure. Confidence. I need all the confidence that I can get.
When I was on "that" mission. You know, the one, that hooked me up with M, so I could get her to go to EZekeil, to reunite passed spirits Edy and Georgette. Believe me..we help them and they help us. It was magical. The events (in retrospect) leading up to and on my mission were so magical.
Did the good doctor really fly her airplane over my east condo? And Wow! Low. It had to be her.. she flew very low. If only the glare wasn't on the windshield I know I would have seen those deep brown eyes. Now that people is MAGICAL! I heard the airplane and knew it was her...flying low. No one has ever flown that low over my condo. It was another bright, clear, beautiful day about a month after our 9/20/04 appointment.
The day was beautiful of course. Most extraordinary magical days are very bright, brisk, clear and beautiful. I miss her. I heard the plane. I rushed out back onto the patio.. to the far edge.....looking out down the right-of-way forwards the train tracks.. here she comes....blue stripped and low. She banks towards the northeast at the last minutes...right over my rooftop. It makes me want her....if only for a moment..now. I want her now. I dream of flying with her..a plane ride. Hey, see me, ask me. Just ask me.
I take a deep breath. Here I go again living in dreams. If it were to happen I would have to take a picture. Ask her "Did I die?". Because I wouldn't believe it was happening.
Was I crazy? It was my imagination, I know, I want, my need, that conversation went easy for us. Guess I was crazy. A mid-life crisis. She was merely doing her job. She's good at it. Healing! She has a warm, caring, healing heart. I miss her.
If only I wasn't born too soon. If I were younger. No. can't do the "If" things. Can't do it. I should be grateful and I am for my youthfulness. I'm hot at sixty. Hot! I am my own person. Blonde, green eyed. Hot smile. Got some of that left over confidence - and it's apparent isn't it.
I'm at my neighborhood Bread Co., at the edge of my complex. I am so treasuring the wi fi, since I've confused mine at home somehow. Wonder what I did? More coffee with Sweet and Low. My chiropractor friend told me it's bad it kills rats. I'm not a rat. I love Sweet and Low and it makes me write. Or does sitting in noisy public places stir my creative juices. Ackerman Toyota does too. I love that place. Or is it the idea that I am taking care of my car. I don't care.. just fix it.. take your time. Keep it running I love my '98 Rav 4. It's as good as the day I bought it. I kid you not! Inside and out! I love it! I work on my lesbian novel there as I sit in the waiting room, with TV on, and people and kids chatting... creative juices flowing. Fun! Magical!
I asked for a magical moment today. I think this is it! Writing. Got to run. Got to write. I better run tomorrow morning or bust! Can't wait until Saturday morning.....besides I would love to draw. Why does everything occur at once?
Time for a coffee refill. right back. Spirit guides...keep my laptop safe! Decafe..better drink decafe. Note. remember that I found a silly correlation between caffeine and orgasm. Yes, I said the "O" word. Yes, the vacation was good! The half marathon went well too. My time could have been better. But I was sedated. Bonine does still slow you down it's the meclizine!
Anyway, did more research on meclizine. Nothing big. guess I"ll go now. I know there is nothing wrong with my laptop. Guess I'll go home and see what the problem is between my laptop and my wireless. Laptop to wireless here at the Bread Co., is fast and perfect! Wish me luck.
Hey, you spirits on the otherside ...take care of my loves ones..the good doctor, my ex.,and the rest...and my car.. Thanks. Keep us all brilliant and safe! And youthful and healthy. Me too!
Place is getting busy.. anyway.. dinner people coming in and I'm not very thrilled about "fast" I'm in a hurry jazz.
Hey, it's 6:00 PM I'm back home now. Damn should have brought some Sweet and Low home with me. I love the stuff. Anyway. I remembered that while I was had the Bread Co., that Microsoft went through a downloading process...at the bottom of the screen saw reverse sequence..items 6, items 5 etc., So I felt it was updating something. When I got home I kept my fingers crossed and fired it up. I located my wireless network, put in the key code and yippee..there it was. Microsoft Internet Exploder came up fast. I'm here. I'm home and happy once again...because I'm writing. Must write - have to write.
Funny it's so satisfying for me to write, blog, on line. It's that feeling that someone is actually reading this crap and listening. More importantly - getting my messages. I do a lot of political campaigning here - for Hillary I must admit. She won the popular primary vote in Texas but Obama got the delegates - not good! He needs to get kick around a bit first and not just fall into the pile of shit of presidency. It's can't be that easy. That's just now right! He needs to pay his dues first! Only in the Senate for one year before declaring himself presidential potential. I don't think so! Hillary's been through the mill. The woman has tenacity, brain, brilliance, and she's the perfect type and "age". My age! Go Hillary! Actually, I feel quite secure and confident that she will be a great president. This is her time! This is her one shot. Obama has many presidental targets ahead of him. He would make a great vice-president! So, I'm praying it works out for her...Madame President!
I have an income tax appointment in exactly two hours. I sure hope I have gotten all my stuff together. She's on the other side of the river. I dread driving back over there. That was another time; a different world. A world I left behind back over there; for good, for ever. Never to be relived! I hope I never lay eyes on any of them again - ever! My spirit guides - please hear me on this! So it's in and out of there and back home!
Watching the weather now. Oh, oh, the last time we had this much snow was in 1993. The year of the great flood. The ground is saturated. The ground cannot take any more rain fall. So far, however, the weather department does not see lots of rain in our near future. So, we'll keep our fingers crossed.
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