Breaks My Heart...

Life is so painful. I hate hurting her. I suggested we take a step back. I had included her in with my activities and friends. I feel very bad. I don't think she had any lesbian friends - anymore.

I feel really bad. She was hinting at another trip next summer towards fall. I can't do it. She's married. She's 61 but she is married. Not that age has really anything to do with it. We got together initially for sex. She hinted and I took her up on it...pretty much like that.

I broke her heart and I made her very sad and that makes me feel like crap! I wish I could make everybody happy. (I think I made my ex happy - I'm very glad she is happy and is still my closest friend). God I hate hurting people.

I'm not only crying for her I'm crying a bit for me too. It just wasn't a good fit from the get go. Okay, I was a little sexual deprived then (as she). It started out as an afternoon delight. But then before I knew it..she was talking and then before I knew it, we were planning a vacation.. that was last July when we planned a vacation for this past February, 08. Which we took.

I feel for her. I really do. It went okay. We are just not a good match. Well, I guess she thinks so. I broke her heart. She told me she loves me. I hurt her and she just got up got dressed and left. (Oh, she never stays the night...not that she was planning on it). It's a wonder she could be gone for a week. Oh he knew. She says he knew, anyway.

Well, Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette please help her; and please help me! It would be nice if I had someone I could hold all night. A good fit. Someone just like the good doctor. Please?

God, I may never had sex again....you know that's a real worry. I might go crazy. But, part of the deal, I asked M if we could take the relationship back to where it was - an afternoon delight. and for about a year it worked out fine. I was fine. But then in June I invited her along to an outing with my friends. And in July she initiated and we began and planned the February trip. So I invited her to a thing in September, and other little things in between. But the vacation was hard.

Even if I did really care about her..she's married. Let's just say there wasn't enough love there to support that. Now if she was someone like the good doctor.. an after noon delight would be worth it and just fine. But M is butch and I don't do butch. (that's true about butch in the street and fem in the sheets - really). I know this is much to much information. Sorry!

Just be glad you are straight! At least you don't have to feel bad about that too! I just feel bad all the way around. I was raised Catholic..that's an automatic guilt trip from day one. And pleasing others is more important than pleasing yourself. Life is hard here!

And people are afraid of dying? This is where hell is!

I hurt her and I am terribly sorry for that. I feel horrible! I broke her heart. She had to have seen the signs. And I feel bad for me too. I lost a traveling companion before I even had one. I like traveling companions that I can have sex with. We just didn't connect and I am so sorry. I know she was really reaching...because I wasn't very warm. And I am so sorry for that.

Will I ever stop hurting the woman I get involved with. It's hard to be me. In love with fanthom lovers. Daydreaming of woman totalling out of reach. Am I just freigning nuts? At this age I should have my brians in place. All my friends are in relationships. I messed mine up.

Maybe some day. I'll meet her. Oh why was I born too soon? All these wonderful younger women out there.. so sweet and so feminine. It's the older "nun" crowd. The "flannel" crowd that I can't digest. (I probably just made a bunch of enemies) but that is all there is out there in the lesbian crowd - close to my age. I'm not kidding. It's the younger ones 40 and younger that allow themselves to be out and be themselves and more fem. I think the more fem of the older lesbians just stayed married and miserable. No, really! They live in unhappy denial I think. It's sad.

So, I'm very much alone. Guess I better suck it up. It's going to be a long dry spell probably. Oh god, universe, Ezekiel, Edy, and Gorgette please help me. And Ezekiel, why did you tell M that I would be there for her for a very long time? Why? Well, that was last August and I guess I hadn't incorporated her into my world as much. I don't know. But I'm worried and scared and sad.

Another kick in the gut to over come. Please help me. I tried! I tried! I tried! I feel as if I have just given up everything... like I did in fall of 04 when I ended my 15 year relationship. It gets harder and harder.

I'm sorry but M is just not for me. Please help me. I meant to help her and make her happy (will, and me too - so I thought). Please help her too. I'm so sorry!

I told her it wasn't her situation at all... I just don't do relationships. That we need to back this up to an afernoon delight. And that is where I left it. I did hurt her because she liked my friends. She liked hanging out with me. It's me I changed my mind. I don't want us to be a "couple".