In the moment

I can't sit still to read "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Or his "The Power of Now". But, I promise I will try to not think about anything but only remain in the present.

We need to send out positive energy. There is too much negativity in the world. And speaking of that I'm feeling rather schattered, and lost. Very lost!

I'm along now. There is no one. There is no one to look forward to holding. I believe we hit our match (for me) in January? I don't know? I tried. I guess why I moved emotionally away she did too. When I was happy, she was happy. She was happy that I had my own life to keep me occupied. She hoped I would never change as she kissed my head. I was a side show. Something she had to do because she couldn't help - the way she was.

Well, I offered my services. I made the first move after she complained of being what? With out for so long. Well, me too but I don't usually publically complain. But on hearing her pour her soul I, like a good Catholic, volunteered, I guess you could say my services. We met up regulary for about a year and a half. This is going to near kill me. How in the hell can I live without "affection".

I finally after so many years...have an affectionate relationship. Well had, I mean. It's gone now. It's going to be hard...very hard.

I don't know what to do. I should stop this. I'm nuts. Completely nuts. I don't feel alive or connected with life...unless I can touch someone - be with some one. I'm a feeling human beings.

I just have the damnest time trying to connect with people. I always want what I can't have. I always some - what is out of reach. I don't know why.

I dumped everything the end of 04.

So anyway - here I go again.

Think, I'll try to read now. I hate hurting people. I need love. It's very hard being around couples...very hard.

But it always seems that if I don't put it out there first - I nevr get it. No one has ever come "to" me. I always had to reach out to others. Well, with Women anyway. Men came to me...but I wasn't interested in men - must have been the chase (the convincing) with them.