How sweet they are....

I have wonderful friends to care about me just because I'm me. I have to tell myself that. That there are no "buts" or "alterior motives". I am lovable as they are. There is a range between our ages that isn't apparent. So, in some ways I didn't really miss out on all of my thirties living in the straight world as I did. Oh, I'm not physically involved now just as then, but our hearts are connected.

My heart is connected still to the good doctor. She, I need physically. The love is very strong...there are no borders between love and affection where my heart is concerned. I feel so strongly. Odd how life is.

I feel it's been written up, the script, way ahead of time. Maybe I wrote it myself before I decded to come visit the great planet earth, once again. I think maybe I loved the good doctor in a past life. They say certain groups of souls then to hange together, in different forms of course, from life time to life time. In one life time I may be male, anothe female. The spirit world knows no age or gender. I do believe to a degree that we plan our lives before we come so past, present and future maybe according all at the same time.

This morning as I ran I got the same feelings as I did was I was a little kid unable to see out the car windows and my feet stuck straight out from the car seat. I remember listening to "Brokenhearted Melody" by Sara Vaughn and feeling the exact way today as I did then. A magical feeling of life, hope, love and a unexplainable connection with a higher power, the universe. I still still the same way when I listened to the disco songs of the 80's on my Apple shuffle. Volumn up - I was having a wonderful magical time. I ran with a smile on my face. I was filled with energy, love, and trust in the universe. Grateful as I ran for my abilities to run, smile, love, give, be youthful and powerful feeling. I believe music is the life of the universe and the world. The universe and life itself in rythmatic, magical eight notes symphanies. The beat, the rythm of the tide, our heart beats.. come to life with music. I come to life with music. A bad day isn't a bad day when the music begins. It saved my life as a child when I listened and dreamed of happier times I knew would come. Thinking of her lift my spirits and my heart - whoever "she" was back then, at the time.

Life is a journey. I can't wait to meet (meet again, I hope) my next adventure. I pray, desire, dream, she is magical....like the good doctor. I just want to hold the good doctor and look into her eyes. Oh why do I feel like this about her - and it doesn't fade. Something is going on here..something bigger than the both of us.

When I split with my ex (whom I still love dearly - our love is very special - I can't imagine her not in my life. She is very happy with her new partner and she are so suited for each other. It was time for me to move onto a new path she too - four years ago already when we split in the fall of 04, well nearly four...the last time too. I saw the good doctor) I told her that "it's bigger then the both of us. And it is.

I've already done did a favor the two women on the otherside. Okay, I quickly tell you the story - again. I believe I was meant to split with L so I would eventually hook up with M, so I could get M to speak with Ezekiel - to re-unite two decease women who were not speaking on the otherside. Believe it or not - it's true. I heard the tape..they are re-connected now. My job was to get M there. But Edy, I believe ( she died in 03, while her partner G died in 02 - and M had a fling with E sometime during Edy's and G's thirty year relationship). Are you following along okay so far?

Here's my question. I understand all of that. But why do I still love the good doctor so much? She and I are going to reconnect on a non-professional basis aren't we? Because I realize she was a catlyist to my change in my life..but the job has been completed - why do the feeling linger - ever so strong as the days I first saw her. I remember how she stood. Our my heart felt. How my eyes were glued to hers. I loved everything about her. Two therapist told me it was infatuation, a crush. Okay I go along with that. This is some long crush - it sure hasn't faded. And I've been lucky to catch her on different TV appearances. Now why is that? To prolong my useless, unfortuate, love angony? My punish me. Or is there another reason outside of I cycling of emotions because I myself do not concentrate on ending that particular cycle of emotions. The "secret" would say - it's because, the more I think of her the more I perpetuate the thinking - myself. Now that hurts. .. because I dreamed just by chance - just for some reason. Her heart and my heart were actually connected somehow since we embraced and our heart were so very close. I can still feel it. I wanted to hold her back - so much. But, I was afraid I would hard on too hard. Music, magic, dreaming, loving keeps her in my heart now. I'm amazed.

I'm not wasting my time... I'm out there looking and praying and hoping soon, very soon, the universe will help me. Hey, Edy and Georgette - you all "owe" me - if you want to get right down to it.

Of course my fifteen year relatinship wasn't very sexual at all...that in itself might have caught up with me. But, I had felt that maybe I had had enough sex with enough men to clear up that ache in my heart - that constant ache. But it never happened. I ache for a woman's touch - the softness - the tenderness - the love.

I so want to make love to her, sweet, soft, slow and precious - it's exactly how she would be because she cherishes every moment - she's just that way - like me. I would feel the same - that our time together was wonderfully magical and that we should never question the reason why or the how to's - but just treasure the moment, the wonderful, magical, loving moment. I can almost feel her cheek. This I'll go to bed and be warm and dream of her.

Universe - till I get to hold her for real....please take care of her..spiritually, magically, mystically send her my love - let her feel it - feel my presence and me hers. I think I feel when she thinks of me...I feel her when I think of her. Her heart! Our moments together wouild be magical and treaures... and, let's face it, a MIRACLE. It is just a dream?

I know she flew over my condo on the east side - low. She flew very low and bank at the last minute. It was her. She came in may that U-turn after she saw me and was gone. My heart pounding. No, damn, I couldn't see past the sun glare of the windshield, but I wanted to so badly. Oh how I want her!

Then there was that sighting - in the fall of 05 when I need to see her so badly. Another magical day. The universe told me right where to reverse my run - to turn around and head back on the bouvlevard and head back home...where the street light and cross walk light timing was perfect. Our eyes met. I want her so badly.

I just want to hold her close to my heart. My eyes are closing, I need to go to bed now.

Thank you universe for all of my many blessings of youth, wellness, safety, loving friends, painless days, my wonderful old car, my wonderful old appliances and fixtures that keep on, keeping on. Thanks. The rising stock market and general over all economy. Things need to change "now" not eight months from now!! I'm very grateful for the things I'm forgetting to mention to be grateful for and thanks for my friends blessings less they themselves forget to thank you. Please help make the good doctor's life - magical and may all her cases be textbook and very successful.
Send her my love - let her feel it in his heart! My too! Good night!

Thanks for the artistic abilities. Thanks! And wonderful loving friends - and my life as it is now...I want to hold in my arms, the good doctor, I want her to feel the same about me. You know, when she looked at me - I could feel her eyes on me.

Good night! I'll have to edit this later....