I think I know why I feel that way.

I feel empty inside at times. I feel like I'm searching for something. I can't quite figure out what. But I have felt this way pretty much my whole life.

I remember feeling empty, and lonely when I was very little. I felt rejected! So, very once in a while I guess, those feeling emerge again and I have to deal with them.

I don't know what I want. Well, I do know what I want. But whenever I come across it I find it is out of reach. "She" is out of reach. Can't have her. Just like my mother. I couldn't have her love either. I couldn't put a word to it, or a description, or a particular feeling that I could express. But, it was there - the emptyness. The pain. A little kid. I felt pushed away. There was no love there to give.

I think as early has a toddler I was told I was too big to hold. Laughed at. Not held. My dad was worse. But, men were expected to be cold..and women..then. To show love and affection was a sign of weakness. I was never hugged or held. I had to kiss them good night though during a period of time but then that ended. I got kissed, I remember, when I graduated from high school and then my mom made my dad to it too.

And girl friends didn't hug. I remember in my 20's needing to be held so bad. A slow dance helped. One night a guy walked me to my car and for some reason hugged me..it was unbelievable. I think I cried as I drove home. He hugged me and didn't want sex. Just a hug. Nice.

But, I know my legacy now and have to deal with it. It comes and goes. It's been bothering me lately. Things just aren't right. I'll be fine in a few days. Can't make decisions. But, I don't really need to. I'll just see how it all pans out. I'm lost. I'm a little lonely. But, I've been there before.

Oh well. I'm taking a deep sigh. I'm here for me..always have.. always will be. Just me and that's okay. I'm good to myself and I can control the TV and eat what I want, or don't want.

I want a warm, lovely, feminine, soft, caring, afternoon delight. I could be an escape for her for a few hours. Actually, it's all I could handle anyway. I don't want to incorporate her into my life. Our afternoon meeting would be a secret meeting of the hearts. To meet certain needs we both have.

And that's what I want. Okay I'm placing my specific order (The Secret) and now I"ll forget about it.