but I'm not sure I want to go out and spend probably thirty bucks Friday evening. I can only pay a little bit on my credit card balance because I owe lots on income tax.
So, I'll feel better if I can just stay at home. Besides, I'll see the same people on Saturday morning. I can see M on Saturday evening I guess.
I saw some other friends last Sunday. Man, this week is going fast. I'm hearing a noise in my bedroom and think I will investigate. Here I go. Hope I come back.
I'm back.. don't know what it was though. It's dark out now. Anyway. Just a few more words and I am going to play my guitar for a while. I haven't played for a week. I've gained weight though.
See, I know I was gaining weight. I still hear that. I hope it's not a leak or anything. Be right back.
I'm back didn't see again. Yes, I need to stop eating dinner. Well, I have eaten for three hours. First soup, then turkey sauage and cheese, then just now popcorn. My belly is bulging and according to the scale I have gained ten pounds. See I must be hungry in the evenings so lose weight. This morning I had a total of 8 ounces of coffee and two scoups of oatmeal and a cup of water (to cook it). I had two diet cheap lemon/lime soda. Okay now! That's it.
Tomorrow I will have my morning coffee and oatmeal and then I should go for a bike ride around the lake and more. Today I ran over 12 miles. I had a good pace, even faster at times, but if I lose ten pounds before April 9th when the half marathon is I'll do much better. I hope to have a time of 2:15 (that's my personal best).
So, I need to keep my hands busy in the evenings. That is way I type, play guitar, play scrabble, or draw while I watch CNN and recorded shows. I could watch CNN all day. And I like The View, Medium, sometimes Oprah, SNL, Birth Day (yes I like to watch them...I look for local hospitals and favorite doctors). I usually breeze through them if they are not filmed in my local area. Recently I saw a favorite doctor on the local news. Very favorite. I believe the universe treats me every once in a while with a view of her. I appreciate that! I know one day I really, just really needed to see her..and I did. I was running in one direction and something told me "it's time now to turn and go back" and in so doing that, I got to see her. Was that before or after that airplane flew low over my east side condo.. I think a year later. I know a year later.
Okay, I got side tracked there for a moment. I'm not in love with M. I am truly not. I don't know where this is all going. I don't know if it's me or Spring. But in a way I want to be free of it all together. I don't know if I can. The pictures sneaked in of her husband - certainly did not set the mood for a romantic evening. Is she just an idiot? or What? She is just that proud to have it both ways.
Now with the good doctor there would be no question - in a heart beat. Because we have a heart connection. That would be very secret - just between her and I - for us.
I guess I made the mistake of incorporating M into my social life. Besides being mistaken for my mother - which is no biggie actually. I can live with that. It's the butchness that I'm not in too. I am NOT impressed when a woman (butch) insisted upon taking and carrying the cooler to a back yard gathering. In fact, I detest it! I am feminine and I want feminine. But they are so hard to find. And so many perfer butch. You never see real butch with butch do you. I see older and fat together..same hair cut, same flannel, same size pants, but not usually real butch with real butch. That would like to gay men. Hey, and I'm a lesbian. People - it's a wide spectrum!
One of my nearest friends is forty, feminine and attractive with children. she's quite cool. Her partner is a little butch. And then I know another couple about the same combination. Like I said - it's a wide spectrum. I'm not criticizing or ridiculing. Like the saying: For every pot there's a lid.
I think I'm the pot nd I need a lid. No, I'm a pot and I need a pot. I want to just be with her and see her eyes and hear her voice and watch her move. I love everything about the good doctor. I miss her. I think of her often.
But then loving someone "out of reach" has been going on with me since I was a small child. It was the way I got my love. I'd listen to music while riding in the back seat and look out the window and day dream about being loved by a wonderful woman.
TOday while running the almost 13 miles I listened to the same songs - as a kid and some disco from the 80's. In my head I'm a wonderful swing dancer. In my head she loves me. In my head we are very close - and see each other. And I listen to her voice and see her eyes - and I'm lost in them. My heart bursting. I loved the way she walked, stood there, leaned against the wall. Her heart, her softness.
Am I crazy? But, I'm reasonably happy - in my own space. M loves it that I like my space and time and TV things that I watch. Of course she does. She loves to come visit me once a week. I need to back step and un-incorporate her out of the group..not that she's realy there. I just won't mention certain activities to her. Oh I care about her. I liked the sex to a certain point..but since vacation - nothing really is striking me. I'm not fulfilled. I need to be touched - I'm human for christ sake. She no longer moves me! Not that she ever really did. She is frail. Little. She is more like she is going away - disappearing. I think she's done too much and she doesn't eat. She nibbles. I could stand to do a little nibbling myself. I need to lose ten pounds by Friday evening - if I decide to go out. Ten pounds. Time starts now. Tomorrow is Wedesday. Dare me? Damn my guts big!
I really never have to weigh myself. All I need to do is stop dieting (watching, consciously all the time my food intake. I need to feel hungry more of the time..especially in the evening. And soda is no good - it retains water).
It's 8:00 PM. I'm done with food and drink for the day. Tomorrow morning I'll do yoga poses first then either swim and work out, or bike, swim and work out.
Wish me luck. Hey, universe, help me along won't you? And thank you so much for all of my many blessings, safety, painfree days. I am very fortunate and I know it. I'm thankful for my youthfulness and agility. I'm thankful for my many friends. I thank you for them for their blessings less they forget to thank you themselves. Please take care of my ex... I can't imagine my life without her. Take care of the good doctor too. She healed my heart. She touched my heart. I felt her love.
Hillary and Obama each have 48% and only 7% of the votes are in from Mississippi - yet they (CNN - why are they all so slanted?) already declared Obama the winner. Well, I guess Wolf Biltzer show was coming to an end....so..
Come on Hillary please win PA and gain 156 delegates...you need them. That primary is April 22. And by June John King on CNN says Florida and Michigan should get things straighten out. See Hillary won in both states - Obama did a no show - so of course to put Hillary in 2nd place.. they (the Democrats) will try to elimate those two states. Florida it seems always have to mess something up. Well, their governor I think wants to be McCain's VP. We'll see.
Just remember the Super Delegates have the final say.. the popular vote in the Democratic party doesn't necessary get you a presidental candidate.
Bill Nelson, Democratic from Florida wants a mail in re-vote and the government of Florida will not hear of it. Nelson needs to get the rules and by-laws in order. congressional demorcrats are worried about security with mail ins..they have trouble four years ago with vote counting.
Anyway. Thank you universe for all of my many blessings. Thanks for taking care of my car and home too. You're leading me on this journey; I'm merely following your lead. Andy Edy, remember, you owe me. I've watched out for M havn't I. Didn't I send her to see (well talk) to you? Thanks for the artistic ability and rythm. I believe having rythm puts us on a higher plane don't you?
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