The Best I Can Be! I'm Blessed!

...and filled with gratitude. I am so grateful! Thank you! I feel good!

Sunday I ran a half marathon (13.1 miles in 2:12 ). Monday I rested. Tuesday I had worked out with K on the weight machines and swam a few laps then went to yoga class in the afternoon. Wednesday, I swam and went to yoga in the evening. Today, Thursday, I ran close to 12 miles I think, anyway, twice around the park. I had a blast running and listening to my MP3 player. I rocked! I had one Accel Gel before I started. I ran strong!

I look good! I'm solid like a rock! Of course I'm in love with myself! I deserve to be..besides there is absolutely nothing wrong with having pride and loving yourself..no matter (as a kid) how "fresh" my mother thought I was getting.

I'm 58 and flying high and very grateful I can be very active and without pain. I keep a positive attitude. I should love myself! I'm a minority in my own age group!

Do you know that most the women my age are on medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or have diabetes and most never exercise or have ever exercised. No, thanks that is not for me. I've worked to hard and have come too far.

See that is my problem, I want a younger athletic woman. Actually, I'm more like 48, but mentally and physically, 38. Bring 'em on baby, I'll run you around the park any day..

So, dating is very slim, in fact, non-existent. I will not settle for less. Besides I want my summer love back again.

I want someone who is self-disciplined, determined, energetic, non-complaining. And will take their vitamins, eat correctly, exercise and do what is necessary to gain and maintain good health and youthfulness.

The younger gals can get away with it for now, but if they don't take care of themselves their poor habits will catch up with them. Trust me on this, I have watched my friends' health deteriorate.

But, I do realize I cannot change anyone. I have been trying to teach by example all my active life! Look at me, I'm youthful, painfree, slim and trim and most importantly I'm medication free! Most of my friends have never helped themselves to better their health. They are sedentary with poor food choices and over weight. One of my friends in her fifties was so surprised she became diabetic! That is amazing to me? So much denial! I can't believe it?

Where did I learn the correct way? Am I just observant! Wise? My friends might think that I am nuts, or weird, or lucky, or they don't want to think about it at all. They cannot relate! I am sort of an outsider. They have more excuses than I could ever imagine.

I started in my mid 30's to exercise again (on as a kid I rode my coaster brake bicycle all over on country roads) but as a teenager and young adult I was hanging out in the bars and lying by the pools smoking cigarettes. Yes, me! And getting flabby.

I got tried of living like that when a friend of mine told me how he rode his bicycle and played tennis. I was envious. I was gay, there was nothing in those bars for me anyway. I ditched them for tennis, running and bicycling. And started taking vitamines and supplements. I joined a gym. I looked good! I decided I wanted to be the best I could be at 40.. and baby I was. Then I thought I was so good all I needed was someone to share my life..a slight mistake...Well, not really, we did have many good years together.. but I lost myself in them. I went her way! I always had to go my mother's way..her love was conditional. Of course, I think, that now too with relationships.

At 50, I was the worse! By then I had turned over my life into my new found lesbian lifestyle and went her (and their way) fat and inactive. Little did I know I was depressed. I just turned all sexual feelings off and gave up. I thought I had enough sex with men before 40 to last a lifetime I guess? I don't know.. maybe I was depressed then already.

I looked bad between about 48 and 56. Then a light came on. What happened to me? I thought I could change people to a healthier life style but they changed me to a less attractive, and less healthier lifetstyle. I looked a mess. Fifteen pounds over weight (more like 20) and my hair cropped. I even wore men's clothes. God help me! I will never lose myself in a relationship again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. I had come "out" when I was 40, and then buried my own true self for the next 15 years.

During that time I spent a lot of hours daydreaming; like I did when I was a kid. Someone loved me and held me and kissed me..that was my dream. It's been a life long dream for the love and affection I never received as a kid; in fact, I was pushed away. Affection spoiled the child! These people were nuts and as cold as a Nazi officer!

Then one day when I was 56 and taking care of my then partner before, during and after her surgery, I fell in love! I fell deeply, for the first time in many years, for a straight woman, a doctor. When I even let her know, I knew it was time to change my life and I did.

I cleaned house! I did what I had to do. I divorced my ex and my family! I had to do both; just had to. My ex is/was very family orientated and wasn't helping me to separate from my family. We had no passion, but really were good friends (and still remain friends, for which I am grateful). I hate to end on a bad note..besides it always wasn't bad..we had many happy times..truly.

I live alone now and I am very happy to be myself. You see I can't be in a relationship. As much as I loved the one last summer; I totally went her way, so as not to lose her. I was losing myself in the process. I still love her very much; and would like to have a relationship. But, I don't want to be with her all the time. I miss her! I would love to date her once in a while and be intimate. I wish she could do that; just her and I. I don't even want mutual friends to know.

Some "friends" are annoying. Frankly, my personal intimate life is no ones business and I do not want to discuss any details like some of those M people do.

I'm about done with the group at M's. I like T, J, K, & C..but E is annoying. My K, whom I swim with and run with during the week, said she will do anything possible to avoid E. M's will be seeing less and less of me. Yes, I must.

I want to see my summer love; I will really miss her when the weather is nice and we run, then sit outside, and bicycle. Please come around again.

I wish we could have a relationship. A loving one! I wish you could be loving to me....

Anyway, enough of that.....I don't think she does repeat performances. She done with me and I know it.

So, I have a new love planned in my head and she' beautiful, warm, golden lovely and she is on her way....

I'm working with my spirit guides and the universe. I do have a lot of love to give. I'll be damn if it will go to waste; so someone very deserving will come along and she will be able to receive and give love. She will be perfect for me. We'll date and be intimate; but we won't live together ever..and I'll maintain my own life and space that is perfect for me. It will be easy to be myself when I am with her. She will love me unconditionally, just for me and I her.

I think my lesson to learn in this life is to always be myself and no one is better than I am; and if my object of affection won't let me be myself or makes me feel ignorant...then I'm out of there... don't need ya!

I had gotten to the point with my ex that I was afraid to speak; either she would correct me or look at me in a inpatient way that I couldn't think; I couldn't put my thoughts together. Her personality changed; she had become my mother.

The doctor saved my life; falling in love with her (god, she was so sweet and loving) saved my life.

And in my life now, I want someone who is very sweet and loving to love me. To just come to me and, kiss me, my head (cheek), and just love me. Put her arms around me, hold me, and love me and she'll be here soon...she is on her way.....

So, I've come a long way baby! I don't know why I want someone to love me so much...I'm better than half of 'em out there. I take care of myself as best I can. I am grateful. It's very important to be grateful. I have always been grateful for my many blessings, loves, good health, accident/pain free life. My wisdom, good fortune and happiness. I'm the best I can be - right now and that makes me very happy. I'm flying high!