I'll Be A Winner!

It's a sunny day and I have great friends..what more can I ask for. No the matching is not panning out; well, not so far...but that's okay. Besides the only plus is the sex (sometimes that's good; sometimes - who knows?) and I would probably love her more than she loves me and I would have to do the things she wanted and give up at least 50% (more like 80%) of my freedom. Sounds cold? Sounds sensible to me. I'm not meant to be in a relationshp anyway.

I'm not good in relationships anyway. I have found that poeple only love you best when they are in complete control of me.

I just made a discovery! I believe we learn how to love by the way our mothers have loved us. Is that interesting or what? My mother was cold and self-serving. My father was there but not there and only there to punish and ridicule.

So for me, I believe love is conditional. If I do things your way, then you will love me; if I don't then you won't love me. It's exactly how it was with my mother. The woman controlled me by manipulated and used me to serve her own needs.

I was mostly alone as a kid. We lived way out in the country with no close neighbors. So, relating to friends is hard at times. Sometimes I worry more than I need to. I know deep within I'm a little too sensitive. I'm not needy; however, but find comfort in my aloneness. I can control my surroundings when I'm alone. It's safe! But sometimes I need to be held...I fight that feeling off...but my heart aches on.

I wasn't going to go out tonight because of the half marathon tomorrow morning. Staying home is safe. But, now I am going. I hope it takes my mind off the run.

I know that I will be find tonight and tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning I will be flying high....spirituality. My spiritual guides will glide me along. They will be the wind that is slightly pushing at my back. I'll fly around the muny circlepass the spectators and K's camera. My spirit guides will left me up and carry me toward the west bound hills.

I'll fly high like I did when I was a kid. My body almost moving faster then my feet.

I will look good; feel good, be fast and smooth without pain with my spirit guides gently pushing me. I'll be a winner! I'll be a winner in my own class.

Hey with great friends surrounding me and cheering for me...I'm already a winner!

I'll be a winner in my own class because truly there is no one else like me. I'll be fine, I'm beautiful..

I'm a winner already!