Plans vs Being Alone!

Well, seems I got confused on the running scheduled for this weekend and thought the long training run was on Sunday, instead of Saturday.

I ran 13.1 in 2.22 on Friday (today, odd it seems long ago). Weird what running 13.1 miles can do to your mind! I played poker this evening. I guess I was a little tired or bad karma..anyway.

So, I could try to force myself to run the nine miles in the morning with J&T, but I would slow them down and possibly add injury to my already tired and sore legs. My knees are fine. My toes are injured and have been for awhile. My friend, the sweet thing, wanted to rub my feet the other day in the hot hub but I was embarassed by them. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. Now, I wish I would have let her. Sometimes I think I do some dumb regretful things around people who are special to me. I wish I didn't. But, you can never take those silly moments back and redo the scene; it's not a Hollywood script.

I'm thinking maybe I need the day tomorrow to relax, reflect, do a little yoga at home, play my guitar and sing - for some reason I find that very comforting. I need to just be me tomorrow and get into myself. Maybe watch a little recorded XOMI TV on cable that I am paying over one hundred a month for and hardly watch. My TV is still hanging in there acting weird going off and on when I frist turn it on. I have a tax date on Monday. Here's hoping all goes well and cheap, because one of these days I will need both a hotwater heater and a TV.

Poker was fine this evening. Sometimes a little difficult being with my X. Sometimes we are back to where we were. It's weird! But old habits even if a little negative have solidarity and comfort to them and even if not very happy we cline to it like static never wanting to let go of the familiar. It's sort of life the way my childhood was like; I was depressed.

I don't really know where I am emotionally or mentally sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just meet someone and start all over again. Sometimes, I just need to be alone with myself, enjoying my solidtude. Sometimes I think I am alot like my summer love. I miss her.

I understand her, my summer love. In some ways we might be a little a like. I don't know. I know that I am more of a one on one person not a group person. I like comfortable conversation and intimacy. Well, once in a while I get the nice comfortable conversation.

Ezekiel and my tarot cards reader said more big changes are coming for me soon. Anyway by May many things will be different. I need to move on.. I miss her too much... I need to move on...it's hard!

I need to meet someone very sweet and warm and who can love me. I need warmth. I don't know what I need. I emailed a woman in another state, another Libra. She has a pontoon boat on a lake.

Funny, after I emailed her I remembered Ezekiel saying that I won't be relocating around the corner or down the street but to another locale. Then he made it sound like I would be vacationing, taking a holiday near water. It will be sunny and I will be happy and have fun. Odd! I thought of what he said after I sent the email.

It's all scary to me, but I have an emptyness to fill. Funny, if I wouldn't feel, I would problem be perfectly happy.

I enjoy K, she's 32 and very sweet. I enjoy caring about her. For some reason I feel strong for her and I like it. Just like last summer..I loved loving her and caring for her. At times I felt needed and I loved it. Too bad at other times, I upset her. I love her heart and always will. I saw past the surface way down deep and that is what I wanted to hold close to me.

It's safe at home, I can be myself. No one to impress, to one to agree with, no one to change my plans or ways for. Sometimes I just need this. I was wonderfully happy today running, my best pace at an 8.something at the ten mile mark. My GPS actually said "slow down". I was thrilled! Of course the terrain was flat with a wind at my back. I guess I was high; I got that runner's high so I trudged on. The last mile and half is always the hardest. I tell myself it's because I know that I am nearing my goal of 13.1 miles so I try to think that I'm just crusing along at the sixth or eighth miles. My mind drifts and before I I know it I see 13.1 on my GPS. It's been two hours and 22 minutes. I'm done. I turn it off. I've ran it a little slower today; twice before I ran 13.1 in two hours and 18 minutes; but it's okay, I did it!

I go into the little cafe that is in the park. Yes, I'm a little light headed but not bad, walking is heaven. I order soup but tell her to give me the cookie now I need it that I just ran 13 miles. She goes. "On my god; well, you certainly deserve it then." She's cute. I like Emma. I won't forget her name; it's my dog's name. One day I had my dog along. I was ready for the reaction when she asked my dog's name...pretty cute! "That's my name!" Guess, what my X met the golden retriever pup downstairs name Lou, that was pretty funny too! Yes, I said golden retriever. They are willing to pay the fine when he reaches full size!

I feel better now that I have vented. I was just feeling a litte displaced. Everybody was bothering me at the regular place on Tuesday and they bothered me tonight some. It's me I know. So, I guess I need a day to think or maybe a not to think. Soon, my x's girlfriend will be visiting and playing poker with us, it will be awkward. I'll have to be strong. I need someone of my own and a new life. Funny, though I love being single. I love having most days to myself; but there's this emptyness at times; if only there wasn't. I need help. I can't relate to these people. Tonight I feel like I need my batteries recharged!

I should just plan what I want my life to be like, who in it that is special and then leave it to the universe. I know then I will be fine! I have to trust in myself and the universe. I need to create a plan and believe in that plan and watch it materialize and my heart will stop hurting I know. I need to love and wrap my arms around.

I'll be seeing my good walking friend Sunday afternoon and K Tuesday and Wednesday to run when she is off.

Spring break is coming up....god, I have to stop thinking about her. Summer is long gone!

I hope that I am soon gone into another relationship...I don't think I do relationships..god, you'd think by now I would have myself figured out.

God, spirit guides, the universe, please take care of me and the people who are important to me: T, L, D, K and all my friends, oh and that little naked young woman on the internet (I'm not going into details, but I don't want anyone to hurt her...it's hard to believe, but she looked innocent to me).

Good night!