My Lesson

I know that I'm here, on this planet, to learn something and I wonder what it is? Why are people so important to us yet hurt us or make us feel uncomfortable at times when we are with them. Why do some of them want me down there where they are.

I try very hard to be fit, healthy, and look good. I feel my efforts and appearances are transparent at times because if they were noticed wouldn't these people try to be more like me? Wouldn't they want to get fit and healthy?

I guess not because they make no efforts but go on taking their high blood pressure medicine, High LDL medicine. Some are or will be diabetic. They take this, their declared right of passage, into stride and look sad.

Personally, with many of them, I'm depressed. Where's the fight? Aging doesn't mean sickness. My age is merely chronological, it means nothing to me I have greater capabilities than some women in their 30's. So age has nothing to do with it. Is it mental? Life is certainly a strange journey. And if our dreams come true, then why isn't she here?

Last night I watched the Banff Mountain Film Festival and saw amazing rock climbing, skiing, and bicycling endurance. Funny these people never knew the words "can't" or "pain". It's all mental isn't it, even matters of the heart?

Will, if it's all mental, today I have to turn my brain around and become happy, confident, and in charge again. I can't let people drag me down, with them, if they are not up at the physical, emotional, common sense level where I reside.

I need my spirits lifted today, so I guess I'll go for a swim. I'm running ten or more miles in the morning so I won't run today. Or maybe I will. My life is a endless marathon with no finish line. People hate people who pity themselves so I keep the agnoy of my emotions to myself.

Sometimes, I have to run real hard and just cry because I miss her so bad; that summer love. Who never really loved me - well I don't even care I loved the sex. I loved worshiping her beautiful body. I want to make love to her or the beautiful silent bela golden goddess who lies so near me yet so out of reach every week.

I want to celebrate the wonderful gifts and beauty of life I'm so hanging on to. It's all I wanted to do. I'm hanging in here with every breath and speck of fiber that makes up the whole of me. I'm hanging on for dear life. One of these days I'm goona say, fuck you all, I'm getting off, if only I didn't enjoy my own company so much. I'm fine with "me", it's the rest of the "people" who reside here with me..I keep gravatating to the negative..

I want to celebrate and appreciate the beauty of life and life's beauties.

Universe help me....why am I here. Spirituals says we have a plan we wish to follow all mapped out before we even decide to be born; and therefore, we choose the time we are born and who to. But, then along the way of life, we have to figure out all over again what the plan was to begin with. And overcome what society throws us when we get here and fights us all the way. Why couldn't I have been an acoomplished musican; why can't I settle. Why am I this eterenal restless spirit?

This just might be a day of meditation and self centering. I love myself its the other people who are not cooperating. If only I didn't have that physical contact need. If only we weren't drawn together in that way.

I can't figure it out. Why do I long for the touch of another and why am I so particular? Why am I attracted to the youthful and beautiful?

Is it because I have an eternally youthful spirit myself. What happens one day when my body can't keep up....I'll go on pushing. Or I may just have to end my stay here and pass on.

At this point, and it's sad to say, I still don't get the "why for". I am supposed to be enjoying myself here and I am not. I want to leave. I don't understand the reason for this painful lonely journey. And my heart is running out of energy.

I don't even want to try anymore. I don't get it? Why do I want so much and then again so little. I want to make love to a precious human being...I had her in my hands and she's gone now. That time of the year is fast approaching again and only will remind me with the flowering and greening of the trees.

I have no appetite today. Guess I'll go swimming and get things kicked into overdrive. Why do you tell me I'm a hottie, beautiful, cool, quite a catch, "what are you doing hanging with those old ladies" and you still don't want me - you're killing me here. Get off the meds..

I miss and admire my past summer love..because if things or people weren't right or fulfilling she moved on. I miss her very much, because I truly loved her and still do. She just didn't feel the same way. And it's not like I'm wanting to hang on; I just can't get past it. I'm trying like hell.

Is everyone like this; even people in relationships. Are we ever truly satisfied, getting all of our needs met?

I am ever searching...looking for home; for that comfortable loving feeling. I'm so messed up today. I'm just letting a little come to the surface today that's all, normally I surpress it but things that we said last night didn't help matters at all. I would have been better to have stayed at home - alone.

So you see the position I'm in. I need people; yet, I don't need people at all. I'm happiest at times in my little world. If only I didn't need to be touched and close to another heart at times....