A Haunting

Earlier this evening there was a phone call with an 800 ID. Maybe a calling card call. I didn't answer it. I screen all my calls. They left a message.

Several weeks ago I believe telemarketers called and didn't hang up soon enough and a message with a young man's voice was barely audible.

But this evening when I retreived the message the beginning sounded like my mother's voice. I quickly hit the three button and deleted it. Gone! Done! I'm not even curious as to what the message was. But, I know my mother. She tried nice voice at first and after a while she'll get pissed and hang up. And go away hopefully.

I wish she would just go to the hang-up part. I never want to see her again. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight. I usually do when I have thought about her during the day. There was never any happiness. I was trapped out in the country alone with these fools. God please help me find love and happiness.

I need my hollow heart filled. Why have a kid if you are never going to hug that kid. I was her helper. A flippin servent! She was never happy! Nothing was ever right! I was stuck with these people.

My eyes are closing so I have to go to sleep now. I fight sleep because of the dreams. I have fought sleep all my life to avoid the scary sad dreams.

Until the doctor held me - so close to her heart. I thought I died! I never expected her to hold me. I needed that so bad. I was at the end! I told Lou then about that time that I was this close (holding up my thumb and forefinger about an half inch apart). Some times I had to run miles to ease the pain.

When I want closeness and intimacy very badly I run too, and far.

I need to open my eyes and shut down my laptop. I'm having coffee with Kristi in the morning. She's a delight. A bit of fresh air and youthfulness.

Time to pray. God, universe, spirit guides, Ezekiel and Ramtha please protect and bless L,T, D, K and the young naked girl on the internet. Please keep her and them safe (oh, and me too), warm, healthy, protected from danger, recklessness, please keep theh girl safe from exploitation. Grant us love and happiness and wealth and riches. Grant me the compassionate affection and understanding that I need. I want to be in love. I love loving and being affectionate and I want that again. I used to think it was selfish to ask. Or, I thought, I guess I didn't deserve it, but I want to be loved. However, I want to maintain my identity, sense of self and freedom to maintain my healthy lifestyle. And compromise, there must be compromise. Love is about compromise.

Thank you for all of my blessings and this wonderful body. Thank you for their's too in case they forget to thank you.

Good night! Thanks for the good knees and good run today. You guys rock!

I have the power within don't I? See I'm beginning to discover that little secret the church doesn't want anyone to know about; thus they would lose control. They control with fear (sounds familiar? So does the government).

Please, I beg you keep my family at bay. Please! Tonight in my sleep I want to feel the doctor's arms around me and her heart close to mine.