And the sun did shine today too. The air was frigid and the wind blustering with wind chills near zero. I had four layers of pants on and four shirts and a coat. I tied the coat around me as we four ran in the sun with our backs to the wind. I wear "stay dry" and "wick away" which keeps the moisture away from the body. Cotton is the worse thing to wear because when it gets wet it gets heavy and it doesn't breath to dry.
It was a wonderful run! I was flying high afterwards on the way to breakfast with the group of runners.
For some reason as I drove alone to the coffee house, I felt so lucky to be single with no ties or worries about keeping someone happy. Or having someone correct me or talk over me. I can get up and talk to everyone at the table and just chit chat away without worrying about leaving someone sitting alone. I can leave when I want. I can order what I want without question or guilt. The last few people I dated didn't drink..so I didn't drink. No wonder when I finally got hold of a good margarita it tastes so good and I danced and danced and didn't have to worry about leaving someone sit alone or not wanting to be there at all.
I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be in love. But, love is blind and there is always a stronger personality than the other. It's never balanced or even, is it?
If I was head over heels it would be fun. No, rather I would like to "love" and not be so crazy about someone so I can be myself and not worry about every word I say or not say.
I think I need another love in my life..a part time lover. No, I don't want to live with her. I want her to have her own agenda and we get together only about two or three times a week. Perfect! I want her to be warm and loving and hold me. I'll know if she loves me.
I don't want much...just sweet affection and my heart beating close to hers and feeling so at home when I am near her like it was meant to be. Like it feels so natural to be standing near her. Oh how I miss her. Oh well! I don't think it's merely missing what I don't have or couldn't have.. I think I just truly miss her.
I think I need someone in my life..who is very cool and loves me. If she is very busy I will understand and see her when I can.
It's the quality not necessary the quantity of time that is shared that is important.
Anyway, I had a very magical day and I prayed for it and got it. Hey, it's magical when you can run ahead of younger people and do not ache at all. I have wonderful lungs. And even if I get out of breath going up a steep hill my recovering time is fabulous. Why just within a few breaths I'm back to normal breathing! I love it!
I truly believe that I need to push myself at times to gradually expand my lung capacity. I do this when swimming and yesterday and today while running. I think I made a discovery and it's cheaper than Accel Gel. My discovery? Drinking coffee and eating ginger and cinnamon cookies about an hour before I run. I ran for an hour on Friday and today up and down hills just fine. And the weather was cold, about 20 degrees yesterday and about 18 degrees this morning and I felt wonderful.
Yes, I believe that the universe was with me and telling me that I am not ready for a constant relationship like my young friend has. Maybe I'm just a free spirit. I need air! I need to breath! I'm free to sing at the top of my lungs as I drive and listen to the radio and move my shoulders in a dancing fashion at the stoplight! It's just really wonderful to feel like you want to sing and not worry about embarrassing her or yourself. I don't have to answer to anyone! What freedom is that?
I love my life. I love my loves that are in my life. But, I have this hunger. I want a certain someone I think. a certain someone whom I met in the spring of 2004. Wow! It's been two years! Why do I keep thinking about her?
Do I keep repeat firing the same old synapses of that old record of neurotransmitters? Is that why? Do I not try to break the chain of events I keep going over? When I get a thought of her or when I miss her I should quick think about something else.
But, what is really wild is that my thoughts of her have become even more vivid! And I can feel what I felt that on that speical day.
In a way she is with me.. in spirit? No, she is with me! I feel her soul, the wonder of her. I want to fly with her high. Iwant to watch her at the control.. and fall deeper in love and I know I would. It's just the wonder of her. It was just everything about her. It wasn't infatuation. It was magical! Pure magical! She is think wonder; this super being with a sense of calm about her and slow warm voice.. and I just fell so hard. Under her spell, I guess!
I know the universe sent her to save my life.. and she did. No, not physically, I wasn't bleeding to death or anything. although, it did feel as if my heart was bleeding out on to the floor. Her's too! she said it hurt her heart!
The spirits guide were really flying around in that room that day. I was the calmest I had ever been in my life. I studied her fact to remember it forever.
The universe was good to me and had her on discovery for me to keep in my heart. The day was beautiful. The universe set it up so I saw her again.. another beautiful day. And timing being everything was so perfect. I knew it was magical! Pure magic! There was another time before that..before I moved.. when she flew past...
The universe watches out for us and gives us many wonderful magical gifts if we allow it too. If we want it.
I got another magical gift this past fall.. on yet another beautiful day. I have always felt special and one with the spirit world on beautiful sunny days. Or when I'm traveling alone... I know they are there protecting me and watching over me.
Life is so magical.. if we allow it to me.
You I may think I want her; but, evidently the timing is not right or I'm totally off base. I always thought feeling so deep had a purpose that they were meant to me. That deep aching feelings of the heart was a magnet trying to connect you with another.
Both our hearts aches like hell that day and we both resisted knowing..the timing wasn't right I guess.
I'm here waiting..
Oh, if the universe sends me another I will understand and know it.. because she will be just like her in about the same package.
She was so cool! The way she stood. The way she looked.
If thoughts are prayers she is doing wonderfully and so is everyone in her life. She is brilliant and successful and everything she touches heals perfectly and is completed at perfection. Everyone loves her. She's an angel walking on earth.. what is not to love!
If thoughts are prayers then she knows I love her and think of her often and wish her the best and miss her and "I'm here for her!"
I no longer shy away from my feelings from others even though it would be more easy not to care at all. But, I young friend knows I love her.
I love unconditionally not expecting anything in return; but maybe I should and I am beginning to. I want that woman to love me back. I want her to need me if only for a few stolen moments.. I'm here for her. I could be her best kept secret.
If it is one thing I have learned in my life as a lesbian living in the straight world it is how to keep a secret. I can't tell you how many woman I have loved who never had a clue and only thought they were my friend and me theirs when I was so in love. Oh yes, I know how to keep a secret! And if someone asked me not to repeat something.. I won't. I am so comfortable with myself and my own security that I do not need to impress anyone with bragging stories of love or anything. I can keep a secret. She would have to trust me and she should know that she can trust me.
Life should be filled with many wonderful magical moments. Two people making love is very magical. It's a heart connection when I am with a woman. It's not just sex! It's a soul bonding. It's touching and holding a celebrating life. It's the reason spirit beings come to earth as human beings to be loved, and held and feel all those wonderful things that go along with that wonderful magical experience. Making love to a woman is the most magical, mystical, gift in life that there could possibly be. Maybe that is why I had to wait so long before I realized this... so I would truly appreciate it when I had it. I take nothing for granted.
When I make love to a woman it's the celebration of her being...the scars and the marks of what life had to deal her..it's a beautiful thing. It's as if I see her whole life before me, the aches, the struggles, the loves, the hurts. I guess it's a soul connection. It's a kind of worship to me. There laying before is this wonderful human being, a heavenly spirit in human form, with the signs of life so connected, the past, the present, maybe even some of the future. It's wonderful.
And the best love making is the silence with only the sighs to guide me.. and I love it! It is the most wonderful thing there is.. pleasing her.
I never felt that way with a man... oh I had sex and I even loved ... but it wasn't like making love to a woman.. never...
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