I think..

When I blog, I need to be a little more sensitive and not say that people look like idiots when they smoke. I need to be more understanding. I'm not perfect by any means so I have no right to get on my bandwagon like I am holier than thou. I know habits are hard to break and addictions even worse.

I know too that it's been claimed that cigarette manufacturers have added addicting ingredients that make cigarettes even more easier to get hooked on. Something to tell kids when they are very small that is another reason for them not to start smoking. Actually, it is quit ingenious marketing! Yeah, get people hooked and then you can raise the prices..but people are hooked..so they will continue to buy cigarettes no matter what. Brilliant! I hope that guy got a raise!

Question: Does your TV scream commercials at you? Do I have an option on my TV that could control that? I mean besides holding down the volume button on my remote during commercials. And who is around the remote all the time? I live in a building with other condos I can't have a screaming TV! The screaming commercials are so annoying and very bad during the day.. and I notice they lighten throughout the evening. And commercials yell , demand, and talk fast, at you anyway..especially car or racing commercials. I made it a point not to buy any product that is forced down my throat! I won't buy it! And I notice as I watch it's the commercial itself not just the cable people...or maybe it is the cable people. I bet products have to pay more to have their commercials screamed at you..it's just another money maker for the cable people. I wonder if satellite is the same? Does plain, vanilla, regular TV scream commercials at you too? I bet it's a cable thing. Maybe I'll get the full package with the telephone company. I'll get around this somehow. But, I can tell you now! I will not buy any of those products.

God, I love women.. I'm watching some dancers on Ellen! Oh my god! I love women! Shake those shoulders, girl! I'm into sketching..partial nudes. Excuse me while I turn down my TV, a commercial is screaming at me and I can't think. So, I'm turning it off! Hey, cable! See where that screaming technique got you!

Back to the nudes..I'm getting more info and larger sketch paper so I can attend the Artist Guild in my area and sketch nude models. I wonder if I can sit still for this. If I'm to distracted, I'll just have to leave. Anyway!

I'm seeing my lover tomorrow. It's a planned event. One that occurs every week for about five months now. If it ends, I'll be a mess.

Even in my straight days after I broke up with someone it was terrible. It's like your body gets slightly addicted. Slightly?

I'm wondering why I still think about a woman I had a huge crush on two years ago. A doctor. God I loved her. I think I still love her. She was easy to talk to and be near but, I almost tremble at the not that possible event of ever running into her. But, I long to see her. I know I would be very comfortable around her. If not her, can't I have someone like her? Someone with a heart, soul and warmth about her. I want to be madly in love! Oh well! Maybe it's not the best thing for me? Here I go sounding doubtful. If I want something from the universe I better know what I want for sure..otherwise my spirit guides do not know how to react.

See, I am making a big mistake as I think and write this I'm praying in a way. But, I cannot be doubtful about what I want. I cannot be fishy about it. The universe needs to know for sure what I want! If I decide I want the doctor I better be sure and be ready to face her with an affair plan.

Like the time I made up my mind after thinking about it for a year to approach the woman I then ended up spenting fifteen years with. I made up my mind and struck with it. Well, at the time I felt the commitment was important. I felt the world should know and realize that two people of the same sex can and do have committed lasting relationships. I buried myself in the process. I had fun..it was good for all of it..but, it was just time for me to move on. I kept feeling something was missing. I was sad. I needed a new beginning I guess. She and I are still friends and live near to each other. My biggest change was ditching the whole family and not missing them at all. Yes, it has been about two years now and I am as happy and as free as can be.

Why does the universe work this way with us? I know I met and fell in love with the doctor for a reason. I know I met her and fell in love with her so I would get out of the situation I was in and move away from my "family". And the time I was meant to be with my partner of fifteen years had come to an end. It was a time for new beginnings for me.

But, I still think about the good doctor! I see her face. I feel her heart and her arms around me. I miss her. Is it just me? Am I not happy unless I have a sense of longing in my heart? Will I ever be content? Will I ever allow myself to love and be loved? Do I just want afairs? Was a fifteen year relationship too much for me. Did I lose too much of myself. Maybe a weekly lover is the perfect thing for me. I wonder, could I add the doctor to my list? What if I pray for her? They say our wishes and desires come true.

I have gotten what I have wished for in the past. No, I never got straight Nancy. Thank God! That would have been a big mistake. She was very manipulating and bossy like my mother. I think that is why I'm screwed up. As a kid, and young person, I obeyed in exchange for a tiny bit of love that usually I didn't get anyway.

So, anyway, the longing in my heart remains.. for whatever reason I don't really know. I ache! I would love to make love to her unconditionally. Just make love to her.. the good doctor. You know last summer I prayed for my afternoon lover...she still in my life. Later I found out she was praying for someone like me too! The relationship won't go any further.. she is married. She won't ever leave him. Once more he knows about me. Is this a little weird? She has left him twice in the past to live with someone.

Only time will tell. Age has nothing to do with anything I am finding out. In fact. I love my age. I am ageless! I really am! I am the same and feel better than I did at age 35 or younger. In fact physically I'm better. No flab now on my inner thighs so no rubbing. I love it! What cracks me up is that I have no compliants and I heard women half my age complaining about this or that. Are they expecting problems? Yes! Me? A negative phsycial thought never enters my mind. Why? We are what we think! Hey, I'm a pain free, healthy, flexible, hot, thirty-five year old who is getting younger and cuter all the time. I have a youthful firm tight clear skin and firm slender tight body. I'm hot and getting hotter! Oh and I'm rich! I could be even more rich if I could you this bridge I own :)

Now see this lawyer is speaking to me on TV and she is not screaming at me. I bet these people are paying extra to cable just so they can annoy me and piss me off! I'm not buying the product!

Just how stupid do people think we are? Bush, the media, tobacco companies, auto makers, oil people - just how stupid and uneducated do they think we are?

Oh, now I see a commerical about "I turned 50 and so did my eyes!" Once again.. not necessarily so. Through commericals products are planting thoughts within our heads, or trying to. Actually, my eyes are better than they have ever been. Eat a lot of greens! Think positive thoughts. I know I'm blowing smoke again. Want to buy that bridge?