She bit me....

and it still hurts... I got a mirror. Couldn't see anything. Guess I'm okay. I'll see her Monday instead of Thursday next week.

Physically I'm okay! Emotionally? I'm a crazy and confused as ever. I'm feeling bad for my ex. She is at a turning point in her life. She is about to enter a relationship..seriously with the one who lives out of town and she had been visiting and talking on the phone couple of times a day for more than a year now. Well, in May she is moving here. She started already, box per box, by mail. I hope my ex is making a good decision? Because the woman is quiting her job to move here and in with her and depend monetarily on my her until she finds a job? I guess? Just when my ex is three years away from retirement. I guess she'll be fine. If it's rebound action it is lasting a long time. I don't think it is. I hope for the best because I want her to be happy.

It's a hard time for me too. I feel I'm losing her.. but I'll never lose her. Sometimes I get scared, just about life, and she is very important to me. I miss her when I don't talk to her for a few days. Just as long as she is in my life. Actually, her new girlfriend appears to be good for her. They get along well. But, my ex I think is the only one who understands me. I guess after you live with someone for fifteen years it gets like that. Anyway she's my family.

M says I should voice my concerns that after all she is my best friend. But, I thought that it was none of my business since I initiated the split in the fall of 2004. That was a hard time in my life; a time when the universe sent me an angel..the good doctor. I'll never forget the moment she walked through the door. She was a last minute subsitute doctor. The universe did good! Instantly she struck my heart. There was just something about everything about her. A little shy. Wonderfully warm and confident. Adorable! My ex's original doctor got too big with pregnancy to perform her surgery, she here she was....little did I know.. my guardian angel.

I miss the good doctor! I miss her! I wish she could just hold me and make it all go away and make it all better. I saw her face when I was making love. Is it my way of escaping reality of what is right in front of me? I think I can't see love that is directly in front of me maybe because I never had it. It was always out of reach. If my heart isn't aching.. I'm not loving? I have no idea. I put too much thought into it.

It's because I never knew touch and love when I was little. I guess that's it? It is something that is very hard to correct emotionally and mentally in my own head. It's hard to erase bad loveless empty memories. Worse yet, it's hard to "love" around them. I don't know love. I don't know how to love or what to expect from love. Or how to be myself in love or in a relationship. I need help! I ask the universe!

I wish she could just come to me and make it all better!

I don't know where I am with this? With M! At times I think she is not my type with many things unlike myself.

I'm very grateful for all of my blessings. Sometimes though , problem is, it just makes things worse. I set my expectations high for myself and expect them of others...only I'm the youngest 59 year old that I know. I only think positively for whatever that buys me. Still I have always been very fortunate. I don't want to hurt anyone! Or be hurt for that matter!

Well, here is hoping that I am doing the right things. Here is hoping that my ex is okay. I think she is happy. I hope so. Just so she stays around the corner and within reach.

Here is wishing all the best to M and our wonderful afternoons together...so healing.

Here's to the good doctor who has my love. It's odd how my heart aches for her. It's like she has the other half of the magnet. The opposite pole. Our hearts were in pain "that" day.

I am seeing one and in love with another - married women both.

I really didn't choose either. It just happened. Both! I see the former and not the latter. I only dream of the latter and miss her terribly.

Oh well! Time to color my hair and play my guitar then sketch a nude.



And I need to start on my book!