A Specturm..

of a board sequence or related qualities of gayness exists in society from extremely feminine men to extremely butch women. It's where life takes us from which we come from.

My friends tell me that on both coasts I would see more "mainstream" looking lesbians...feminine in other words, or more so is their dress. Personally, I like the more feminine woman.

But, I think none of the above matters, it's who we fall head-over-heels in love in with that counts. I once fell in love with a wonderful woman. I loved her totally. Everything about her from her darkest brown eyes that pierce my heart to her voice that soothes and send me stirring with emotions piling up inside and I still found it easy to talk to her. I felt her eyes on me. Why oh why did I love her so much?

She was my savior at a crucial time in my life; but I can't get her out of my mind. I think about her all the time and fantasize about her being with me..if only for stolen moments at a time. What did she do to me..so innocently. She had nothing to do with it. She had no clue until I let her know...and now I can't see her ever again..well professionally.

The psychologist told me to let it go that it was only infatuation. I told her what she wanted to hear..that I would. The psychologist was slightly strange in my thinking. She told me a couple (meaning straight I'm sure) dated and then fell in love. I told her I believe in love at first sight an idea that seems foreign to her. Personally, I don't believe in the gradual.. falling in love thing. I believe if it's right at the moment you meet them you'll feel as if you have been hit in the head by a ton of bricks...that's love! It's a sexual love..an all encompassing love. By that I mean I love everything about her. I love her body even though she may not. Her body is who she is, just as her life's experiences..everything she has gone through and yet to go through is what makes her so priceless and unique.. I love everything about her because it is who she is. I have never in my life felt this way about a man. I was born a lesbian. Oh, I've love men. There were two I had sex with and loved but I had more serious crushes on woman at the same time..and truth be told; if I could have had her.. whom I loved so much more deeply..I never would have gone back to him. But, society stinking as it is, did not allow me to even let her know how I felt about her. So, I dated him, cared about him; but was madly in love with her.. and she was on my mind when I was with him...

Love for someone is what we create in our heads? We draw mental and emotional pictures to get our needs met? Or perhaps they were sent to us to fulfill a service, complete a mission, and in time move on. Well, it seems to me that I just cannot get my stars lined up. I still love the good doctor and miss her. Since then I've fallen in love with a woman 23 years younger than myself. I loved her madly. I still care about her, even though now I understand her better from a distance, and I still care about her.

Then I fell in love with a sweet woman 33 years younger than myself..okay, common sense took over here. Her friends would think she was totally nuts and out of her head. But, there is a certain heart to heart tenderness I feel between us. She looks forward to seeing me and worries about me and I her, and I love her very much. I love when she speaks about something close to her heart and it touches me and I find myself having to put my arm slightly around her drawing her near and kissing her forehead and my heart so filled with love treasures the moment for hours after. Sometimes after a couple of margaritas while driving home I cry because I was born so soon. And when I get home I cry some more...hard last time I cried hard. But, I've even ceased to do that because of reality. I guess I'm all cried out. Now my heart just feels dull pain in those cases when I think of the sad years past..there are no more senseless, useless and needless tears to cry. I can't change time. I can only try to stay as healthy, active and as youthful as I can...because I so want a little bit of what I never had and so I pray.

It makes my heart ache if I think about it. If I think about all those wonderful young women touching and wrapping their arms around each lover and feeling free to love. And they love and look and act like women! I never saw any of that in my 20's or 30's..and in the Midwest..in my 40's I only saw butch in flannel. Yes, times where beginning to change. But, not until Ellen or Rosie did we have roll models and let's face it they are slightly butch. the L Word is about over the top...but only in fashion. Personally, I love dressing in women's boots and shoes and wearing women's jeans and sweaters, blouses and belts and jewelry. But, it's the inside of us that shows on the outside. Have you ever seen Ellen in a dress...it's a hoot!

But, I can't turn back the hands of time so no sense in crying about it. I may be cute and look youthful, but would you date up when you can date down in age? I don't get a second glance.. not at all. Hell, I did better and still do better in the heterosexual world..men dig me! No, I am not having sex with men and NO I will never go back...

No, I'm not going back to men! I enjoy making love to a woman too much. There is just such a connection..of the hearts that I love. I'm amazed at how much I love a woman's body and her mind and her heart and her sighs when I touch her and arouse her. I'm amazed. Men never did that to me at all. Oh, if only we were free to love who we love...I cheated all those men because I couldn't give back. Oh, the physical act, them touching me (I love foreplay) turned me on....but the rest of it....not so much! Their bodies never turned me on.. I could never give back... I had to force myself. If you were a guy would you like that? Oh, I know, guys don't care as long as they can get off!

I will always love women and will never go back to men...my heart would never be in it. I'm sorry but I don't believe that I have a choice. We are born the way we are born. We are spirits living as human beings visiting here on earth..sometimes we bring challenges from past lives with us.. sometimes we are merely here to have fun or to learn. I guess I'm here to learn. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen.. like it's just around the corner.. but she never gets here...it's like she's two miles away and stationary. However, far the distance I feel her in my heart...she feels me too.. I can sense it. That was her in that little plane too that flew near roof top level of my condo back then..when our heart came together. If there would not have been a glare on it, I could have looked right through the windshield at her. As it was I stood and smiled with sweet recognition. Little plane with blue striping..it was her.. I know it! I love the memory of her. My arms, my heart miss her terribly!

I'm amazed how shy I am to reach out and touch someone or hold or be held. I think it's because it means so much to me. I wish I could love the good doctor.. I wish I could make love to her.

She would think that I am totally out of my mind...totally! I must be insane. I don't know why this just keeps bugging me. Is it the repetitive synapses firing that I allow because I don't break the thought when I have it; there by perpetuating my strong love feelings for her. I have to break the cycle. But I don't want to.

I so want to be head of heels in love and in a sexual relationship with the same person...as it is now.. it's two different, totally, different people.

I need the good doctor to heal my heart.. to hold me..to take me for a ride way up in the sky. I can only imagine the magic of it..to sit so close to her.. to watch her in her glory...to feel my heart race. I fear I would cry in awe and wonder and want! Wanting her so badly! Praying she makes the slightest first move...to let me know..

I'll dream of her now.. and pray for her and want her terribly. I thought dreams came true. I thought wishes were prayers. I thought that thoughts were prayers...I'm still waiting. I want her!