I thought about you today..

I think about you everyday just for a few moments. I hope you are fine! I hope someday I'll see you again. I'll hug you, you know, when I do. I couldn't for months, for fear that I wouldn't be able to let go. But now I think I would be okay. I only feel love for you... I don't expect anything in return. I don't expect you to love me or even like me.

I loved you before I made love to you. I think I loved you the moment I met you and looked into your eyes. You will stick in my heart for a very long time. If thoughts are a form of prayer; then, you'll receive an abundance. I told you that I would love you unconditionally forever and I will. I think you loved me too! Only you and I can't handle love very well! I doubt know, maybe you can now; but, I have a problem receiving love although I need it very badly. We tend to grow and learn from each relationship, I hope I have. I feel in my heart that I have.

Twenty years ago I was very scared and love was foreign to me. Everything scared me! Someone who say. "You've never see the beach?" and I would panic (as if they were going to kidnap me and take me there - make me go on vacation). At that time I had no desire to see the beach. My life was an emotional mess I just tried to survive from day to day.

But, since I've known L, I have been there - on the beach (yeah I finally went - with L, at least four times). It's a wonderful, spiritual place to feel god. It helps to have someone in your corner; someone you can count on. We are good friends and she taught me alot.

One of my dreams was to hold you in my arms on the beach. I know a wonderful woman's beach. It's secluded and romantic. I would love to just sit there with you leaning against my body. My arms around you, feeling your hair and cheek against mine. My arms wrapped together over your heart. My heart beating madly, like it did for four months or more last year. I know we are at different places. You don't feel the same. I really don't expect you to. It's doesn't matter...I still love you and that is unconditional love: I love you just because you are you, as complicated and has wonderful as you are. I love your heart. I think somewhere way down there in your heart you still love me...I love you too. Never forget that I do love you.

I want you to feel happy and loved. I hope you are content. Know that I love you and regret going against your wishes or being ignorant in anyway with you.

You probably just think that I am an idiot...it doesn't matter. Besides, I know better. I understand you more than what you think I do. I listened and observed very well to get pass the surface and the defense mechanisms to see your heart. You did fine! You do fine! You are a wonderful, brilliant human being. I feel so blessed that I got to know you. Another thing you helped me with besides what we had physically (so wonderful!) was you helped me at a time when I needed love and understandably most. You helped me understand the "family" thing. You showed me the way...that it was possible and that it happens, and that it's okay! Thanks to you and my many therapist through the years I am in a good place now - separated from them - with no regrets. I'm free! I'm safe! Thank you! Thank you for caring and loving me.

Some day you may need to feel something solid; someone solid in your life...just know that I'm here. My ex, L, is mine still. (She has someone. Yeah, I'm alone yet... I'm trying). I think if she wasn't in my life, I would be crying all the time because she keeps me grounded. I just need to know that someone cares about me and she is my rock. She is my family... I wanted you to be my family. Funny, I thought we would have the holidays together, you and I....I thought I would get the Cornish hen. I waited. I guess I messed that up.

The holidays were hard but I survived and felt free, anyway....actually, they were probably one of my best. I missed you though...but I understood.. you don't do relationships... you said that so I knew the end would be coming, I probably hurried it on a little... I think that is called "self-fulfilled prophecy". We think it's coming so we hurry it along..sometimes in doing so, we actually make it happen, where as maybe it wouldn't have..if we wouldn't have been expecting it so. I guess that is also called (in the spiritual world) creating our own environment.

See, I can't handle love either (will maybe you can, hopefully you feel loved and loving). Love is foreign to me..remember when I said "it was a thing of "trust".

The doctor saved my life when she wrapped her arms around me - first. She just sensed I needed to be held - she saved my life that day and I'm not kidding. I melted in her arms..I didn't expect her to hold me. I was dying and she sensed it somehow! I thought I pretended well enough that day, but she saw through me. God I love her! She was an angel. She was God (to me).

Then you came along and then I was truly alive. My heart beat madly I was so in love with you. You were a gift of love and life....and for that I will love you forever. You are very precious to me...know that in your heart. You were the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me..you came when I needed you most. It's so amazing how the universe can work miracles.

I know you have a good heart. I saw it in your eyes, I think. I know I saw sadness. I saw a scared little girl too! She won't leave my heart.. and it's okay, I want her there. You deserve to be loved. Yes, I remember everything that you shared with me! You still rose above it all, you rose up shining... you did good! You did okay...you did what you had to do.. You did very good for yourself and you should be very proud. I am! I am very proud to know you. I think you did wonderfully. You are very intelligent. You are brilliant and wonderful at what you do.. I know.

Just wanted you to know that. Well, will you put your arms around yourself for me..give yourself a hug... and when you do.. that's me... that's my heart you feel.

Smile big at me at pride...look me in the eye. I'm asking now. If I see you smile then I know it will be okay for me to walk up to you and hug you. I need to hug you.

Never ever feel bad about not loving me or caring about me, or even liking me...it's okay. Remember, I don't do love well... I mess it up. Somehow I can't fantom...I don't get it.