On Being Gay....

It's the weirdest thing I have ever been. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I fall in love and I am attracted to feminine women. Yes, and they are usually straight!

When I was in my 30's there were no lesbians to be found anywhere in the town where I lived. The only ones I thought existed with the heavily Harley tattooed dyke's and they scared the hell out of me. I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian because I was not a dyke. I didn't want to be like them so I was very confused and troubled.

I didn't want to fall in love with women, (usually one of my straight friends) or desire them; yet I did. I dated every man that asked me out thinking that the right one would come along and something would click. Well, the last one was about as close to a perfect man as could be. I felt very feminine near him. He was very masculine, tall, nice hairy chest even. I felt protected. I felt so normal in his presence in my masquerade. I was with him and couldn't wait to see her. And she was a pain in the ass, a brat and why I was in love with her I"ll never know. We were nothing but friends. In those years I never approached a woman nor was I approached. I was lonely inside. My heart ached. Even in his arms in bed (and the sex was too. He was a good lover) I felt this longing for the warmth and tenderness of a woman, something I had never had. Something that was seriously missing.

After so many years of living a lie to myself, friends and family, I couldn't take it no longer. Guys instinctively knew I couldn't connect emotionally and eventually were gone. Some hung in there long, the last one about six years and one earlier about four. At about age 40, I was really looking good I began more active physically with running, riding, tennis, and working out. I had stopped smoking at about age 36. I was getting ready; I wanted to be the best I could be at 40.

At 40 I thought what if I'm nothing, asexual. What if women don't do it for me either. I soon hooked up with a woman from work and she moved in and we spent the next 15 years together. Yeah 15 years. We were compatible in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways I was not happy; in sex and in things we did and with the type of friends.

I think I spent the first few years in shock. Lesbians on the most part were over weight and masculine with short hair. But, see, I was always so in love with the cute little feminine women. What happened? Then we met a couple of lesbians who were straight looking and feminine and that was refreshing. I wanted to kiss her very badly, but couldn't because of her partner and besides I was afraid I would want more. I had so much desire then.

I turned that desire off until last about two years ago when I totally fell in love with; yes, another straight woman. She held me and I kissed (her cheek) it was wonderful. I longed for her 24/7 for months. I knew then that I had to change my life.

I did! I made extreme changes I split up the long term relationship and sold my condo and moved to another state and bought there. And I didn't tell my family. That was another issue too. I never belonged there! It was awful. I realized my whole life in every aspect had been I big ass lie to fit in and please everyone else but myself. No more!

I died and went to heaven when I met my 05 summer love (05SL). Little did she know she was loves gift to me. I could cry just thinking about it. It was wonderful! She was perfect! I loved her body! I loved her! She gave me life! She saved my life! And yes, I am truly a lesbian! Oh, she was perfect and feminine. Her hair! I loved her hair! She was sexy.

What more can I say! I wish to fine another like her..or close. It's my dream now! Hopefully very soon it will happen.

Yes, it's not the perfect life as far as society is concerned; the world is against you. I am odd! It would be so much easier to be straight and easier maybe to fine love.

Relationships, I guess are relationships, it is hard being single in the gay life as it was in the straight life. Couples appear happier than normal and there is that sense that you are bad karma to be around. And it's not me personally but the idea of separation. I may give someone the idea to break away, to cut out on their own.

I wanted love and passion. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to experience that just one time before I died... and I did. I was totally in love with her and it was wonderful and we had wonderful, wonderful sex. I could never get enough of her.. I loved her so much.

I should have been better...but old ways crepe in.. I should have been more affectionate. I should have been better for her. Maybe we both "don't do relationships"? Anyway, it broke my heart. I miss loving like that, with all my heart. I loved her with all my heart.. even on the bad days.

I think now, that if it every happens again. And I know it will because I am in charge of my life and my life's dreams and happens. I just merely waiting for her to get freed up...and ready for me. No, I don't know who it is yet. But, she'll be wonderfully feminine; a dream in reality, just like 05SL. I will live to love again and very soon. Her hair, her skin, her body, will be beautifully feminine and sexual. Her heart pure, loving, giving and well as receiving. Precious! Adorable! She's on her way!

And I'm looking good... I"m comfortable in my own skin.... so I"m ready. That's very important you know.. I have to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable with another.