Running Solo

Well, I ran over to Till es to run with the women and the run was going well so I didn't stop. It was hot and I wanted to get the run in and over.

I ran out of the park on onward; then, in a distance I saw the two leaders and the sister trailer. I almost yelled and joined up but today I felt that I wanted to be able to slow to a walk when I wanted to. It was hot. When I run with others I have to push myself or try to talk as I run; which is difficult for me.

So, at first I felt guilty or as I was missing out on something; but then, I realized I wasn't. Or do I join up on things to be able to tell other people what I have done. So I sound busy and social (must be something left over from my childhood - guilt) when flying solo may be just fine for me.

I can come and go and do as I want when I fly solo. Really, no one is that interested in what I have to say anyway.

Here is how my last two "people associated" events went: Tuesday, I practically got molested by a not quit normal youth which scared the shit out of me and his father merely suggests I should just slap him. I should?

And last evening at yoga a neighbor asked if I was available to help hold her dog down while she gave him a shot..so I can have the opportunity to be bitten! I hope she has a muzzle.

Now, you wonder why I want to "fly solo"! Is life just weird or what? Now grant it, there are people I truly enjoy; in fact I enjoy most people. This thing with the kid just really threw me off course for awhile. Oh, I'll get back on soon I hope. I just need a loving, very cute break..send me an angel. Someone sexual, fun, light-hearted, youthful, sweet, cute and wants me... oh and gay.

I know the purpose of people is not to enhance my day.. but theres. People are not out there to enhance my day; to do me any favors; to love me! That's a joke! So when will I learn to STOP looking! I think I am learning.

It's a long slow lesson when you don't want to learn the truth; when you don't want to learn the reality of it all and that is we are all out there just to get our needs met. It's called use and discard. It's a shallow world. And I am probably just as shallow as the next guy even though I like to flatter myself and think that someone adorable (like 05SL) is actually out there for me.

Well, it's summer now and 06SL is not happening yet!

I can't believe my heart got so ripped out last summer. I think I loved her so much more than I realized...she felt like home! It was wonderful! Yes, I miss her! I have let it go! But god, she sure felt like home! I got comfortable and began doing things for her, you know like a family person would do. She got mad....well, there was more.

Bottom line it was just hard to let go...even though I knew she was done with me! She gave me about three months and then she was done and it was time for her to move on.

There is another side to this too...I pushed her away...I needed some space but instead of telling her I think I pushed her away. My first night alone was my idea.

I think she wants someone there for her...but, she appeared standoffish. I don't know! All I know is that now I think I feel regrets.

You know what? It's been so long that I think I just love the memories...probably if I did see her again .. there would be nothing. Or I would be able to see right through her to the real core of her and I wouldn't care as much. In a way I am sort of afraid of that happening.

Sometimes it more fun and mysterious to desire the unobtainable. Sometimes there is more satisfaction in our thoughts of the perfect relationship.

At times I do miss Lou. I do miss the way our minds worked well together in planning and buying large items. In retrospect it wasn't that bad. I came out at 40 and she was my first and there was no sex life to speak of. There was no passion.

Okay now for that walk to the book store before the rain starts.. and then later some yoga poses..

I gotta tell ya.. that kid really set me back. I'm almost afraid to leave the house.. I'll force myself.. here I go!

With 05SL I felt extreme passion and it was wonderful! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!