Reading and missing the touch of a woman

is going first on my list this weekend. I want to finish "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown so I can lend it to L's girlfriend, G, before she leaves town again.

And I want to read "A Wild Heart" by Suzanne Rodriguez a biography of Natalie Clifford Braney, a story set in Paris in the time between the two world wars. The Left Bank book club meets Tuesday evening. Tomorrow I'll read by the pool after I run in the morning.

I'll ready tomorrow evening too. I'm laying low and not going out. I was heart broken with my last attempt at trying to connect with two people on line. Damn, I miss the touch of a woman.

I'm refreshing my memory by reading "The Lesbian Kama Sutra" by Kat Harding. Yes, complete with pictures, making sure I'm not missing anything about our bodies and love making. And the pictures are nice. If wishes, dreams, hopes and prayers come true and if the universe works with me...well, we'll see. I'm not giving up on this... I have waiting all my life. I have missed out on some much when I was younger, dating men. I did not belong there! I was living a lie like some many people do, I'm sure. Beat me, kick me, punch, but you will never change my heart. I miss the touch of a woman.

I believe in love at first sight. I did last year, when it happened. I still love her. I still love the good doctor too. I love my x but in a different way; she keeps me grounded as do my long term friends. I no longer associate with my, yeah right - family!

There are all kinds of familes and this particular blood family, is not one. I envy loving happy families who have fun and are not afraid of being themselves. Where everyone is accepted and honored and loved.

I envy young straight couples I see holding hands. It seems like life is so easy for them. But most of all I envy young out feminine lovers. I miss sex with a woman. I miss being in love. I found out last summer that I had been missing out on so much all of my life. I was alive last summer; I was so in love. She was beautiful, I loved every inch of her. I miss her terribly.

I want to be in love like that again.. I hope I get another chance to fall deeply in love. I want a mutually loving, caring, giving and affectionate relationship.. just because "we" fell in love..not for anything else.

I think people write too much into a relationship...let's just enjoy each other's time together, laughing, playing, loving. Let's not worry about what friends think or say. Let's not see them. Let's not see anyone! Just you and me, let's hide away in each other's arms. Let's sneak off and drive to the beach, where we'll sit in each other arms and watch the moon glow bounce on the waves and surf. And listen to the sounds of the waves crashing, sea gulles cries, and feel the mist in our faces, night breezes blowing our hair. You in my arms. Me holding you like the precious being you are; a gift.

You and I compromising, neither can please the other enough..wanting to please; kissing to please; begging to please.

Let us both feel that we are worthy of love. I believe that is where I messed up in the past. I have to learn that even though I didn't feel loved as a kid by my family; or by any man as a young woman. I felt loved by the doctor who held me just for moment; holding me. She sensed I needed to be held. She saved my life. A hug that only took moments, but brought me back to life; a feeling that will last many life times. God wrapped her arms around me and loved me!

Last summer's love appeared suddenly out of nowhere the cutest most adorable human being came into my life and brought me life once again. Only this time..I'll never be the same and long for more....I miss the touch of a woman. I miss her touch. I'll never be the same again for knowing her and loving her. She is most precious to me, even still. She'll never know this. I want her to know she's loved..she too deserves to be loved. She has a good heart. I hope she's happy.. I think she is.

Pride coming up..I hope I'm not too bold for too forward. If I see some that looks interesting, I"m going after her. If she is taken or not interested, she'll just have to tell me. I have learned that where women are concerned, I cannot sit around and wait; I have to make the first move, or the second.. whatever it takes.

Back to reading..... for now.