The woman types without errors! That along makes her exceptional! Well, okay then she remembers to do spell check and most of the time I don't.
Funny, I'm reading her toy and kayaking pictures are flashing by on my desk top google pic flipper or whatever it's called.
Anyway, reading her stuff makes me miss her....she loves nature, cries over it. I read about the giving-blood arm bleeding; and when she first joined "the group". I miss her! Reading this makes me miss her.
I'm no intellect match for her; not even a science fiction match for her. We are as different as night and night. I'm dull!
She's amazing to me! She would never believe that! Here it is 1:00 A.M. and I'm tired and I need to get to bed and I'm reading her stuff and missing her.
Tomorrow evening for me is Shakespeare in the park with my ex and other friends. Somehow, I'm depressed. I want to keep the old life but I so desperately want a new life with sex, for god sake!
I just said to myself - "I hope I survive this!" Then I laugh realizing that no one survives life!
I'm a confused mess! I wouldn't know love if it kicked me in the face! All I know is I miss her. But in my heart, I know I pushed her away, and even suggested it. She doesn't do relationships and I can't stop loving when I love someone. What a mess I am!
I'm just cutting into my own time...I need to get over it and get on with life. But, most women I am attracted to, I know are straight! See, I'm such a mess! There is no one at M's for me, now that I can't go to see her. There is no one on line for me
I hope she comes to pride and walks by the booth and talks to me and let's me hug her. I need to do that...my heart needs to do that before I just flat out die!
Because really I don't care anymore. In the 80's when I couldn't love 'em, when it wasn't recognized, when I was the only one in the state. I was so lonely I wanted to die. Oh I dated men and had sex with them. With arms around me, my hugs then. It was easy when your heart is not in it! It was only sex! My heart was into her, who ever it was at the time, a best friend; she didn't have a clue that I was in love with HER. Someone straight, naturally! I'm a mess!
My life should have been totally different and now it's too late.. Oh well! I guess that this life is a learning life and the real loving one; and it better be filled with love, will come next time around.
I have all this love in my heart - and for what? I mess everything up.
Oh well! Other than my messed up head and heart, I'm perfectly fine. I'll run circles around you; I ride up hills like their flat. I bend and twist like 30. I have turned all my emotional pain into physical and healthy achievements. Push me down; I get up stronger than before. I had to use this same mind set when I was a kid.
Here I am complaining. The whole time I'm realing her blog, she doesn't complain. And I know she has or had, many things to complain about. And that touches my heart! In none of her writing does she complain. Although, the writings I love best are where she pours her heart.. just a little... about the kid's movie and who it made her think of. I want to hear the human side. The hurts, the aches, the pains, the fears...this is what love is all about. Anyway, for me. When I see those things, when I saw those things in her eyes, I fell fast and hard and forever. I saw those things there before she even told me about many of them.
I am so sorry I pushed her away. I wanted to be in her life. I'm just ignorant when it comes to showing or sharing emotions. And I don't know how to accept love or show it very well. We should have talked more.
So, this is what I am, a person who longs to love someone, but is so ignorant as to knowjust how to go about it or much worst, how to accept love in return. I was never shown love in my youth. There were no hugs, kisses, no nuturing. There were no signs that I was even wanted. But, I choose them to be my parents; don't ask me why. This much I have learned reading many spiritual guides books. So, why did I choose them? What is the lesson. Next time my parents will be like the good doctor, warm and affectionare and caring and just plain wonderful.
I still think I must be here this time around to learn lessons to carry me throught for my next life.
Universe! Please take care of all my loves. The one who got away and took my heart with her. The doctor who shows me more love (and I felt so much love) in ten minutes, than I ever felt in a lifetime. I will love her forever! I pray for her daily, as I do my last summer's love.
The incense has burned down long hours past, cable soundscapes wired via auxillary port to Bose would play on continously for hours. The back of my thights are sticking to this wooden hard chair. My hair has grown one-eighth inch since I sat down many hours ago after I came back from yoga class and a walk to the market.
I believe the love in my heart is so strong that it guides you and keeps you healthy, happy, strong, loved, wise, wealthy.. both of you! I wish you the best! I am grateful for the love you made me feel.. and still feel. I am alive, I know because my heart aches and I long for your touch.
And I'm not leaving this miserable planet until I have love in my life. Okay, I know, I feel the love .. I mean until I can show it and live it and touch it and feel it with another - once again! It may have meant very little to you, it was the breath of life to me! I was reborn. No, I was born. I had never loved that way, that much, like that before.
The doctor was my catalyst to change and you brought me life...
God I loved the doctor and I miss her. She sensed I needed a hug..she just walked right up to me and held me.. she had no idea it was her I was just telling her about.. how I fell in love and how I thought of this woman 24/7 for months now. And no, I wasn't seeing her, and how I was slipping out of my long term relationship..she didn't know it was her. she, was the target of my affections. I just knew if I saw her again, I wouldn't feel the same way, but I did. After all those months, I still did. I tried to memorize her face when I was there, I knew I would never see her again after that day. She knew before I left that day, how I felt. And she was very kind to me, very. No lectures, as there very well could have been, only kindness. She felt my pain. Through tears now, I wish I was back there, in her arms. As silly as it sounds. I would love to have her arms around me, her heart so close to mine; like that day. I had stood next to her too and it felt so right, so connected.
I'm ancient history, nor a second thought to any of the above. I am trying to move on and believe me all the doors to my heart are open...
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