Thinkg and Feeling at 30 than at 50

When I was 30 I was scared all the time and lonely, wanting to please, needed love. I was out of touch because I fell in love with people who were out of reach like my straight girlfriends (I mean friends). I never told them. Well, I was the only non-obvious fem lesbian in the state. I dated guys but I just could't connect with them. While I was with them I thought of her and missed her. But we talked alot - about our dates.

I found that I fell in love with women who were like my mother..but maybe everyone else just knows where they are going and what they want. Maybe they are not needy.

I went against my last love's wishes and for that I am so sorry. I messed up. Or the time for us to be together had merely come to an end. Well, maybe for her, I still miss her. I miss what I felt for her and our intimate time together.

Anyway, this is my way of trying to connect the dots and figure it all out. But, I do know emotionally, I am more mature now. Okay, well, I'm working on it. Let's just say, maybe I understand better now.

It's the difference of being a freshman and a senior. When things are new they are scary. You think everyone is smarter and you respect authority. In my job I respected my bosses, well at first. Because I was so grateful to have a wonderful job. As time went on, I learned I had the bosses on a pedestral and they were idiots bascially. Maybe the job went better when I was new and afraid and respectful. Because when you see the real people in them, it's just nothing but irratating.

So what am I saying? Life gets worse as we go on? No, actually, not at all, we just get more comfortable in it and know better how to handle people and what to expect, because we have been there already.

I believe the "higher power" is our collected spirits. I believe that when we think positive thoughts about someone it brightens their day and makes their day go better. I believe they feel my thoughts in their soul. I hope they feel loved. We are all connected.

Have you ever felt eyes looking at you. I felt the doctor's. While riding bicycle in a group the other night on the street aggravating drivers, I felt the driver's eyes. When I turned in each case they were looking hard at me.

I felt a woman's eyes before I saw her, when I was running down the street and she in a group of bicyclist were coming towards me. I heard. "I xxxxx". My name. It was very sweetly said. Anyway, I was told that who I thought it was - it wasn't. So now I'm puzzled.

My friends, my age, have fallen into aging patterns and that troubles me. They surrender and almost encourage aging. I hear I can't do this, I can't do that at every turn. This hurts that hurts I got this. I'm bummed.

I only complain on line. I love blogging because it is very therapeutic for me. I'm talking to someone (in all reality, probably no one) but it makes you feel like someone is listening. It's actually a very cool thing, next to yoga, running, bicycling and my friends company.

I love listening to other peoples thoughts, feelings and ideas. It's how we get to know them. It's why I miss last summer so much. I over stepped the lines, I know. I blew it. Wish I could strat over. I pursued at first and then later on, when I felt she was pushing me away, I stopped. I was afraid then of rejection. I'm not sure now of what all went wrong.

I only pray for both of them, all of them, and hope all is going well. It's time for me to run now. It's cloudly. I had about six hours of sleep. I"m fine and think I will run in the park again. I'll drive there, not run there and take my book and laptop and sit outside afterwards.

Something gave me energy, was it reducing and getting a flat stomach. I love it! Was it the yoga? Is it the Energy Vitalizer free sample I got on line at drlark.com? Either way, I feel I must hurry and take my vitamins drinking them down with soy protein drink. Walk my rotty, then get out there. Tonight - great Caesar's ghosts with a group of my friends. We will sit on beach chairs, drink wine, and probably eat subway. I may cut up apple, cheese, and take crackers too. We'll be there almost an hour and half before it starts. I will think positive "dry" thoughts, so we do not get rained out.

Changing the subject. I saw the most adorable picture of an insurance advertisement in a magazine. A mother sleeping on a couch holding her little girl on her chest. Both content. The little girl conent and loved. You could tell by her gentle little smile. So precious. A beautiful picture. Their hair was the same color and curl. They were practically identical. Gorgous!

In my next life, I will definitely do just about everything differently from choosing loving, wonderful parents, to maybe being straight (ugh!), to probably having children. In this life I was so afraid I would be like my mother. I was trapped emotionally, I couldn't; but wish now that I could have moved away far to another state at a very young age. I was reminded that working where I worked (the company was in five states) that I could have transferred easily enought. But, I was trapped in fear...a few developed in a isolated childhood with no escape route or assistance possible.

Just reflexing and trying to figure it all out. Speaking of "out", I must be out of here.. and run.