and that is of not fitting in sexually anywhere. Well, I've dated men...no fit there. Oh, the sex was fine, a woman's body is designed to be aroused by kissing and soft caresses in the right places with direct signals to other parts of the anatomy. But there was no emotional or heartfelt connection. Men's bodies do not turn me on. Oh, I think some men are very sexy, the more masculine, made me feel very feminine and even sexually fulfilled. but I desire a woman's body and her heart; her emotions. A feminine woman...usually straight. Go figure!
See, so far, I don't fit anywhere. And to add to the negative, butch, heavy, forward, older out of shape, confident, gray do not turn me own! See! I don't fit anywhere.
Some women are more bold than men and forward and just grab and touch and scare the shit out of me. I've never had a man just grab my breast. I have gone out with many, and I must say most were gentlemen. If I wouldn't love the softness and femininity of a woman...I'd be almost temped to go back. But, I know I can't. Being with a man would be a hell of a lot easier. But, many of them like to preach and teach and have their way all the time. Wait a minute! That reminds me of a lot of lesbians too! And straight woman friends I have had in the past!
Now, I really don't fit! This weekend there was a lesbian retreat! Trust me, they are all in the pool naked. Oh my god, no thanks! They are of the above description for which I have mentioned. I would be scared. Times like this make me really want my 05 summer love (05SL).
Believe it or not we are a lot a like in many ways. Being controlling and having my way is a way of guaranteeing security for myself. I was going to say balanced; but, it's balance within not with another.
The bars? No thanks! They come in groups, and or critical when they are no better, and even worse than I could ever be. They are ignorant, petty and gossip too much! Most are hungry looking for nurturing and a ride. I don't need it. Women in the 40's look for women in their 40's; they don't look at athletic feminine in her 50's. Although I am firmer and look better than half of them. They are hanging on at that age and if they don't exercise by forty they better be thinking about it or will be turning very soft soon...losing muscle tone. Worst yet getting sick, like high blood pressure, High Chorlesterol, diabetes (what amazes me is that they are surprised yet when these conditions arise?) I recommend yoga. Most people do not like to rise a sweat or ex cert themselves into increasing their heart rate. Too bad, they do not realize this can save their lives.
Everyone wants everything to be done the easy way; even their appearance and their health. It won't work, to be healthy you must exercise and vigorously. This morning I ran in the park and I tell you that I do not fit anywhere. I see many couples strolling along fat and gray, sorry to say they are my age! I run pass them. They look at me like I am from outer-space with three heads. Actually, they are there as a gift to me, for when I see them, I automatically quicken my pace..I will try very hard to keep this straight back broad shouldered, nice tits, flat gut look. Nice thighs too! Yes, I will brag - I work hard and it pays off! It only takes a little work to get in the groove but people fight good health all the way! Not me, I fight aging all the way.. and I will continue to do so. I believe at being you best you can possibly be - at any age. I am the best that I can be now! I look damn good! Maybe it's because I have done without another's touch for so long.. but, I actually can turn myself on looking at myself in the full length closet mirror. I don't think life gets any better than that. I have always considered my body, my humanness a gift from god (the universe). I respect my body. I will be the best I can for it! It's not just self-preservation, it "appreciation" of a wonderful life! I have always felt this way! Yes, I am truly one of a kind, because most people do not appreaciate their bodies, their minds, or their good health and the fact that they are accident and injury free. I am very spiritual and believe that a higher power lies within each and everyone of us, if we choose to search for it and culivate and nurture that higher spiritual power.
See, I don't fit in anywhere! I told you! Oh but, I do fit in with the straight women runners who are around my age. They out do me and leave me in their dust! This is okay; because it forces me to quickly my pace. But, they'll never be my lovers. There is a butch. But, I don't do butch. If I"m going to do butch, I'll do a man first.
Well, I'm 58 and I am learning alot this time around (this lifetime). I have learned that emotional we change between our 30 and 50's. We grow, or I did anyway. Growing up I was very insecure and had low-self-esteem; trust me, my parents saw it! Both of them never praised me or told me I looked cute or did a good job. They wanted to hold me back as to not outshine them; society and the church did the same. There was only certain places and professions for women.
I am so sorry, I wasn't able to be out there dating feminine woman in my thirties and theirs. I missed out on oh so much! My only regret! Well, can't do it over! I was very lucky last summer. She was wonderful and beautiful. I loved her and learned a lot from her.
I'm stuck now! There is no place for me. I'm sorry, but I just can't do over weight, gray, breathing heavy, sweaty, sickly (due to no exercise). Sorry, I just can't do it! So, I'll do without! There is one couple I know that amazes me: One half is dark hair, 30's, slightly butch, exercises apparently and the other half is white haired and white skin and maybe even twice her age. Let me tell you. If I was the older one, I would certainly, dye it blond and buff up...come on. Anyone can do it at any age. There are no excuses.
And I think that is what disturbs me so. It's that these women are content being as they are. they do not even try to be slim and healthy. Yes, to be healthy, you need to be slim and exercise which will make you firm and feel good about yourself. It's not rocket science. Of course deep down everyone on this planet knows what it takes they just choose to make excuses or blame something else.
I truly wish that I was straight at times or dead! Now is the time to die and come back as a lesbian.. just think in only about sixteen years I could be having the time of my life with all the babes. So sweet! I never had a woman until I was 40 and then, it wasn't fire crackers and rockets like it was last summer. I was head over heels unbelievable (in shock) last summer.
Are their no sweet lesbians (Well besides 05SL)? I want one with a soft, sweet, sensitive heart. Gentle and with a beautiful body; one she worships. Most lesbians in their 30's are trying to prove something... how fast they are; how smart! Not good! Stupid, and a waste of time! No body cares for one thing! Come on - give it up. It's not a race! They don't know matters of the heart, only about outdoing and competing with one another - how male is that? They are competing as if in sibling rivally. Give it up. No ones gives a crap! Be the best you can be and let it go...competing makes you look weak at heart and spirit, as if you don't like yourself and are begging for your mother to notice you above the other siblings.
In the end, it's a good heart that wins out. See, I'm telling you, I just do not fit in anywhere which is fine with me. I can please myself, control the heat or A/C and drive the car the way I want all the while listening to the station or CD I want to listen to.
I am at a good place within myself. I see that I am different, maybe even at a better place than most; I think that I always have been in a better place. Maybe I just don't get other people. You see, I think 05SL is just way ahead of her time.. if I had to guess I would spiritually think that she has lived many lifetimes and was bored. She is brillant, very intelligent, quick, ahead of her time and wonderful. Now she I will always love, along with the doctor, my ex and my many friends, who if they read this would probably love me way less.
I have loved and still love others and myself. I do not need...it would just be nice to make love to a loving, compassionate, secure, firm, beautiful woman. But, if she isn't sweet and giving too, then forget it.
Okay, here comes the rain! I love the rain... better walk my rottweiler now..
I love my life! Namaste!
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