My Energy is Zapped Today

Could be the heat, it's 90 degrees already at 11:00 AM; but, it is probably the events of last evening that have me feeling lifeless, non-sexual (uninterested), depressed, and zapped emotionally and physically.

I think the youth's inappropriate sexual inclined staring and near touching conjured up depressed abusive memories and negative feelings I had so successfully ( I thought) buried from my youth. Last night was another kick in the gut. One less social event I will not be able to attend it appears. I won't go Thursday (tomorrow) evening. Hopefully, I'll feel better by Saturday morning. Today, I feel exhausted! Normally, I'm very active, riding, running, yoga, going to the pool...today nothing interest me. I'll give myself this one day and then pull myself up out of this condition. I am finding that we are "totally" alone regarding abusive events and our perspective of them..no one else can know how it effects us and we each are affected differently. This, I think, helps me to understand 05SL a little better, perhaps. But, I know, I would never know..it only makes me more sympathetic to abuse victims. This kid scared the shit out of me. "Just slap him?" I wanted to coil and turn to run, which I did.

I jumped up and got away from him when I saw his eyes were cold and non-connective..he was in his own world of raging hormones..one of these day, I fear a "slap" would only provoke him, giving him gratification from a heightened negative response from her. I am not alone in my thinking, many others in the group have expressed feelings of being "creep ed out". "He's creepy". I never paid much attention, in all honesty, until he go in my face, once last Thursday and twice last night...then I had had enough. He had crossed the line and his father's nonchalant response to the obvious in appropriate behavior was "enough" for me. I feel I was offended on both counts: the kid's inappropriate behavior and the father's casualness of the whole occurrences that took place. Again that slight smile, like he thought it was cute!

I know life is as we perceive it. My perception may differ from an other's due to background, and even past life experiences. I feel bad and guilty that I let this affect me as it did. Lou said do not feel bad, your feelings are valid.

I have no specific sexual abuse memories but I remember certain levels of verbal, mental and physical abuse that I encountered as a child from males and the cold distance and negativity of my mother. My trust was shattered in humankind. My mother was not supportive and turned a blind eye. At times even displaying pleasure from my pain with expressive faint smiles and cruel silent. I felt guilty, as if it all was my fault. I must have done something wrong to be treated like this. I'm feeling lifeless and vulnerable and hopeless like I did as a kid. I had no escape. I had no recourse and I had to wait it out and go along doing the best I could being quiet and fading to the background. I was backward, so my mother often described.

They were determined to keep me emotionally and mentally crushed in a trapped environment. I lived isolated in the country without a support system in an authoritarian society. It was clear, children had no rights, no social services to run to. I'm talking about the 50's and 60's where males were considered superior and women inferior and secondary. The authority of the thoracic church ruled!

Today, now, my heart aches and my gut hurts. Last night I was shaken with feeling of violation; today I guess the after affects. I feel hopeless.

Just when I thought I was getting along okay. Oh I dreamed everyday of the pretty girls and fantasized. Actually, it was quite healthy for me.

I have always found love via fantasies and daydreams of someone loving me. A woman loving me - holding me

I guess I need to go back into therapy; I don't want to because its too hard. It's torture.